Is it too much

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by IsabellaCullen, Jun 12, 2010.

  1. IsabellaCullen

    IsabellaCullen New Member

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    Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read this. i am new to the life of a submissive and feel i am fitting into the lifestyle with relative ease. i am having some issues with the level of control my Master wishes to have. He has been building on what he controls and announced last week that from this point forward only he is allowed to insert anything in me, i agreed, but didn't think it through, or missed a key element.

    To the point of my period started yesterday and He got very angry when i inserted a tampon....He held me down and removed it....and i was harshly punished, before he cleaned me up and inserted a new one.

    i am feeling very conflicted, He hasnt spoken to me all day which shows He is angry and i am not allowed to break the silence. Is this level on control acceptable, or more importantly usual.

  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    that kind of control would bother me, because I feel I should still be allowed to do my own things without having someone always watching my back and constantly conforming to strict rules
    buuuut that might not be you, and he obviously feels he has the right amount of control

    Talk to your master about this, he's the one you should really be having a discussion with. Every sub has the right to talk their master/mistress about important issues
    If you're not happy or comfortable then it isn't okay and you need to discuss/draw the boundaries with him

    If you're not allowed to "break the silence" then you need to find a way to signal to him that you two need to have a discussion, outside of your D/s relationship if need be. I believe that it is unfair to prohibit communication, but once again that's just me.

    (welcome, btw!)
  3. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

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    If I had done this with my sub (and he was a girl), I'd leave inserting a tampon to her (but, as SLP said, that's just me).

    I agree with SLP, you should try to talk to your Master. I also think it's unfair to prohibit communication, since that is one of the bigger aspects of a D/s relationship.
  4. Darktruth

    Darktruth Member

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    Is your Master new to this as well Isabella? How long have you been in this lifestyle (Weeks, months, years)?

    To me, personally, this comes under the “need†category therefore I have no right to try and control this therefore I wont. For me this is akin to telling you off for breathing. Some Dom’s might like this amount of control and some Subs might like it as well but I don’t really see what the problem is. If a Dom is going to be so vague then he might as well tell you off when you eat…at the end of the day your “inserting†something into yourself then so where’s the difference? Fuck it, lets have the same for cotton buds (que tips) and when you go to the dentist for a check-up.

    The vagueness in this is horrendous, the point is well meaning but this hasn’t been thought out if at all. Controlling your sexual incisions would have been much clearer and, to be honest, more sensible.

    I hate the silent treatment but I will say one thing. If he’s punished you why is he still giving you the silent treatment? Punishment is the end of the offence…you’ve been punished, you’ve said sorry so now it’s time to move on. I don’t like the silent treatment at the best of times but, to me, lack of clear communication caused this therefore you should be allowed to talk to your Dom and iron out the major creases in his idea.
  5. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    I do not completely agree with the above posts. While I do see this as a "Need" issue as well for sanitary purposes, I understand from your post, your master made a decree, and you agreed. Just because you chose not to ask specific questions before such a decree doesn't mean he has no right to punish you for not understanding the confines of the agreement. As an alternative, you could use pads instead of tampons and therefore eliminate it as a need.

    While yes, I agree it is rather vague, perhaps that was the point. Depending on the lifestyle the two of you are striving for, it seems to me your Dom is interested in TPE (total power exchange) and in such this level of control is not uncommon at all. If that level isnt good for you then you need to communicate that fact.

    There's definitely a breakdown in communication here, whether if be from lack of experience or something else, you two must, and I stress MUST, communicate of this will only end bitterly. Good luck, let us know how it goes, and welcome to the forum.
  6. doloroso

    doloroso New Member

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    I totally agree with Darktruth. It seems to me that there is still a lot to be discussed between you and your master. There are for certain some situations in life, where there is no place for domination . My first rule is that both partners shoud feel confortable in each situation, no matter how hard and painfull the "treatments " are. And with confortable I mean mentall and not physical comfort. If something fails during your sessions and you feel unconfortable, you shoud have a possibility to stop it using a safe word and your master is obliged to comply to it. Than you two should discuss the issue.
    For action described abowe I would say that is just building of somebody`s ego on account of submissive person.
    And silence is never the riht way to any relationsship let alone BDSM.
    But that is me, I am more in SM than D . Hope I am wrong :)
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2010
  7. Darktruth

    Darktruth Member

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    But that’s my point entirely. Nobody could possibly understand the confines of this agreement. If he wanted to be so vague he should have punished her when she ate for the first time after this agreement because she had to insert a folk into her mouth in order to eat.

    Why is she being punished for this but not for eating or cleaning her ears with a cotton bud after she showers? If you’re punishing for this then you punish her for everything else as well, you can’t just pick and chose.

    That’s twice in the same day somebody’s agreed with me. Lol. Seriously though, as you say, there is a lot to discuss between Isabella and her Master.
  8. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    id like to point out, darktruth, that as i said, while sanitary care is a necessity, tampons are not. Eating is a necessity that cannot be subjugated, and therefore, is moot, however he could prohibit her from using utensils... As for the cotton swab for the ears, not everyone doesn't that, and it is by far NOT necessary to do.

    While I agree they need to discuss it and get clarification on a lot of things, she needs to do so BEFORE agreeing to it, not after. What her master has done is totally NOT uncommon in TPE relationships, which is why i brought that up. Consider this... some subs arent allowed to use the bathroom without permission, and if they have an accident, they are punished severely, but its not seen as such an obscure stipulation to put on a sub... how is this request any different? Both are necessary sanitary functions, the only difference being this one can be dealt with differently.. Tampons are not a requirement of menstruation.
  9. Sate_Sprie

    Sate_Sprie Member

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    I think this is mainly a failure of communication by all parties.

    I really don't think his actions are excessive or harsh, but I'm assuming as Sparrow said, you're both into TPE. He needs to be more clear, and you need to clarify the depth of his commands when you're discussing it.

    As everyone had already said, and will say many many more times, this will not work without proper communication. I know this from personal experience as well. Master and I have tried this twice. The first time if felled miserably because neither one of us were really talking about it. This time, it's regularly discussed and it's working out perfectly. There will always be occasional communication breakdowns, but for the most part those should come very seldom. This will not work if you can't talk to him. It just won't. That's the only way you're going to get what you need to function accordingly.
  10. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Am I missing something?

    Isabella - First...... Welcome to the forum. Glad you decided to seek out this kind of forum and ask.

    Didn't you say you are new to this lifestyle? (as a submissive),
    and now you've graduated to TPE?

    Was this requirement part of your training?
    What are you're rules regarding communication?

    You will find as you continue here that the majority of us feel this kind of relationship requires and demands more communication than most.
    We are not limited to the "what normal people would do" parameters when it comes to things like this, and many other aspects of our relationships.

    DarkTruth said it pretty much right, and if you're not comfortable with what's going on, then remember that even Total Power Exchange is still consensual.

    Remember one thing please. In any relationship - at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself.... Am I better for having been with them? Did they make me seem more whole, or less?

    Haven't seen any responses from you so far. Hope you're not gone.
  11. Boundperil

    Boundperil Member

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    Welcome to the forum.

    I have agreement that it is time off when my sub has her period, but that is just me. I think that time is important to refresh ones body and soul, then again, we don't live a true 24/7 life, though it does leak into every aspect of our lives.

    As others have said, you need to talk this out. I find it very immature as a Dom to act that way.
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    It seems to me that Isabellla's Dom is primarily at fault here. Let's review the evidence:
    1) She's new to being a submissive and he's already taken her a fair distance toward TPE. That seems awfully fast to me. If she's this new, I would think a prudent dom would be going somewhat slower, making sure that she has the understanding and the tools to do what's expected of her. (It's possible that she is progressing very quickly and he thinks she's completely ready, but that's not the sense I get here from her overall post)
    2) He gave her a very broad command without making it clear to her exactly what that command entailed. Sparrow's right that he has the right to do it and she could have found a way around it, but it seems to me that he should have given her more guidance. Remember, she's new to this, not an experienced sub.
    3) He punished her in anger, which is generally supposed to be a no-no, and then gave her the silent treatment, AND forbad her to speak. (Read her post closely--she refers to punishment and then to his being silent) Given the importance of regularly communication, he is not only refusing to communicate with her, he is forbidding her to speak to him (although presumably she could write a note). So instead of punishing her and letting that be the end of it, he is nursing a grudge in a way that makes a real resolution of the problem more difficult.
    All of this makes me think he is either inexperienced as a dom or that he has unrealistic expectations of her given her newness. Either way, I think she needs to insist on a serious conversation about what's going on, why he's pushing her so far so fast, and why he thought that cutting off communication was appropriate. Now if she were an experienced sub, his actions would be much more reasonable.
  13. Darktruth

    Darktruth Member

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    My point wasn’t eating nor the cotton buds, they were merely examples of inserting something into your body. Without specifying what the rules were they count therefore my point isn’t moot at all. While the eating example is clearly an extreme example my point was to show the vagueness of this rule. I have no problems with the rule at all but I do with the vagueness of it. Isabella needed to clarify what this covers before she agreed to it but her Master should have as well. I don’t get the feeling this was deliberately vague in order to teach her a lesson either because, if it was, then her Master wouldn’t be giving her the Silent Treatment; he would have spoken to her after her punishment and told her why it was so vague and that next time she should fully understand what she’s agreeing to before she agrees to it.

    Seb – Good post. I was going to point out the fact that their relationship seems to be moving a little too fast but I had a hangover and I needed to go out so I didn’t have time. Lol. I knew somebody would pick up on it though. :D As you said though, maybe she's a quick learner so far be it from me to comment on that. :)
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2010
  14. Martello

    Martello Member

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    Admittedly I didn't read over everyone else's posts as well as I usually do. From what I read from the first poster, I was just aggravated to the point where I wanted to get to the bottom of the screen.

    I don't believe any personal habits involving health and hygiene should be dictated by a Dom at all. Regardless of BDSM, I personally think him holding you down and forcibly removing it is wrong. I'm sorry I don't like it at all.

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