How can i teach my parter to be more dominating?

kiera26 · Jan 28, 2011

I fantasise about my boyfriend completely dominating me almost every night. I have asked him to start with small things before like slapping me or calling me names, but he isnt that into it and everytime i do get him to start, he will do it a little and stop because he isnt into it.
How can i let him know he could do anything, invite anyone, or use anythiiinnggg on me!! im at a point where im craving it and dnt know what to do

sebastian · Jan 28, 2011

Pain play is not the best place to start, because it's the least socially acceptable. Your bf has been told constantly to treat women nicely, so he's worried that being rough with you means he's a bad person.

Start with control instead. Let him know that he gets to have complete control over sex. He gets to have it anytime he wants, any place he wants, any way he wants (within whatever general limits you set, so you could say no sex after midnight on a work night or no anal sex or whatever). Most guys fantasize about that, so he will probably get into that. Once he's learned to be comfortable being in control, talk to him about adding rough sex or verbal abuse or whatever else it is that you're craving. Make it clear that you like being slapped or being called a dirty whore, so thatcwhen he does that he's not being mean; he's being loving, because he's giving you the sex you want. And point out that you're giving him the sex he wants (any time, any place, any way), so he has an obligation to try to reciprocate.

Also, when he does something you like, like slap you, play into it and show him you enjoyed it. Don't fake an orgasm, but make some noise, show your enthusiasm, or say "thank you, sir, may I have more?". In other words, help him feel competent at it. In general, men need to feel like they're good at sex ( has to do with that need to keep their little friend hard), so they tend to do the stuff they know works. Teach him that slapping you means he's a stud, and he'll slap you a lot.

Finally, agree on a safe word to stop play if youre unhappy. He's worried about hurting you and about upsetting you (remember, he probably doesn't like being slapped, so can't figure out why you like that. He keeps thinking it will make you upset with him). So tell him that if you're not using the safe word, that means you're happy with what he's doing.

L8NightQ · Jan 28, 2011

kiera - Your boyfriend doesn't want to hurt you or be mean to you. He's been taught most of his life to be kind and loving to those he cares for... especially women. You might need some help getting him to understand not only that you like this, but that what you are asking for is not what "he" perceives it to be.

Here's a link, originally posted by sillylittlepet - called BDSM for Nice Guys

http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html

If your guy really cares about you, and it sounds like he does, have him read it so that he can understand you better.

Sebastian has also suggested that you start with telling him that he can have sex with you anytime he wants, any way, anywhere he wants, to getting him use to using you on demand, and move on from there. But I think he will comment on this himself.

There is also a book you may want to get and share with him. It's called "When Someone You Love is Kinky" by Easton and Liszt.

If he has an inclination to move forward, get him "The New Topping Book", also be Easton.
It will take him further in his understanding, and has a humorous approach to domination.

The best book you could give him is "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren. I mention this last because it is mostly for people who already know they are dominant and want to understand more about themselves and what to do about it.

I gotta warn you though kiera, that some guys just don't come around, usually cause they're just a little too hung up to actually let it go.
We've all dealt with it before, in one way or another.

I believe that all people (male and female) have either a little Dom or a little sub in them. Getting it to come out is different.

For some, and for most of those that would approach this site, we know early on what we are. Sometimes, we know even before we reach puberty. We pay special attention as children to cartoons or movies where someone gets tied up or spanked, or gagged.... I think you know what I mean.

Hope your guy comes around. Hope these things help.

By the way... Welcome to the forum.

Stick around and let us know how things are going.
There are many who don't post, but have the same problem as you and would like to follow your progress.

Lastly - Please read through the beginners FAQ for additional talk about this kind of stuff, and some stuff you need to know, especially if you decide to seek out someone else who "will" dominate you.

L8NightQ · Jan 28, 2011

Guess it took me a little longer than I thought to post this.

I agree with Seb's comments also.

WildsweetSwitch · Feb 2, 2011

kiera26 i know exactly what you mean.

I have a wonderful man, who more than satisfies my vanilla needs.

I know his kinks, and he knows mine. His kinks tend toward really sloppy messy sex, and mine lean toward bondage and submission, as I am a masochist. I also have a sadistic side and used to be the top in any relationship I had, but I don't get to exercise it anymore since my man won't be topped, he doesn't enjoy it.

I have made it really clear that I want him to dominate me more, even going as far as calling him Master to indicate that I'm into it, giving him restraints to use on me, taunting him so he'll slap me in bed... He might talk dirty to me, asking me if he should get the shackles, or a crop and swat me. I beg him for it. But I think he is paying lip service to what I want because he loves me, and because truly, for him, talking about it and then getting off is good enough.
I guess that is what it comes down to: sometimes getting off isn't enough for me, I want to feel dominated, humiliated, hurt and bruised.
I sometimes think that maybe he feels intimidated by the idea of having fun control, or maybe he doesn't get that enjoying pain for me is crucial for my enjoyment...? I don't know. I haven't been able to figure it out yet.

I feel you, kiera26. I feel like frank conversations aren't making any headway. No verbal cues I give him during a sexual encounter seem to make him understand.
I don't really know what to do. Sorry I'm not much help.

sebastian · Feb 2, 2011

It's estimated that about 10% of the population are interested in some form of bdsm play. That's a lot of people, when you think about it (more than twice the estimated number of gays, for example), but still it means that 9 out of 10 people are vanilla. Some of those vanilla people can be converted because they possess kinky instincts but don't recognize them for what they are. But most probably can't be converted in any meaningful sense. Some of the unconvertables can still learn to play kinky to satisfy a partner, but they won't actually enjoy the kink per se, only pleasing their partner. But many of those vanilla people can't convert and are unwilling to explore kink to please a partner (perhaps it scares them, or violates their sense of morality, or they simply can't learn to fake it convincingly, or they've encountered abuse and can't risk approaching that live wire). So when you try to convert a partner to kinky play, it might work, or it might work well enough for government work, or it might not work at all. There's probably no way to know beforehand, but there's no reason to not try it.

This is probably the singlemost common question to come up on this forum. So browse the threads and read the many different suggestions that people have offered on this question. Read the FAQ--it has some stuff that will help in persuading a partner that bdsm isn't abuse. And realize that no matter what you do, your partner may simply not be able to play kinky.

Ruelee · Feb 2, 2011

You know, I wonder what things might be like if it was 10% of the populace that *wasn't* into BDSM...

ickle_cat · Feb 6, 2011

i have no experience in this area but i know that a lot of guys wouldn't mind a bit of light spanking during sex. maybe you could ask him to slap you on the arse and then respond in a positive way when he does.

this could be a back-up plan if the other, more sensible and detailed plans don't work?

How can i teach my parter to be more dominating?

kiera26

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