Concerns about dealing with psychologically unwell BDSMers


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Yes ClosetDom, I definately was more open to abuse when I was at my lowest point in life than I am now that I am happier and more settled in my current relationship.

I went through a very self-destructive phase - at that time I got to the point where I didn't really care what happened to me. There was a sense that I didn't have the courage to self harm eg. cutting or something, so letting someone else hurt me was the 'easier' option for me. Also with the sense of worthlessness I felt at the time, I did not feel that I was worthy of positive attention/affection and therefore did not seek out a more mutually beneficial relationship.
 
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ClosetDom

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Yes ClosetDom, I definately was more open to abuse when I was at my lowest point in life than I am now that I am happier and more settled in my current relationship.

I went through a very self-destructive phase - at that time I got to the point where I didn't really care what happened to me. There was a sense that I didn't have the courage to self harm eg. cutting or something, so letting someone else hurt me was the 'easier' option for me. Also with the sense of worthlessness I felt at the time, I did not feel that I was worthy of positive attention/affection and therefore did not seek out a more mutually beneficial relationship.

Yes, I can understand all that...it's a pretty scary situation to find oneself in, indeed.

When someone finds themselves in that (self-destructive) state you described above, how could a concerned Dom/me be able to tell that the person s/he is facing is in such a predicament? Are there any particular clues that you would be giving out...some sort of a disguised call for help that could be decyphered by paying attention to certain behaviors, words being said, etc.?
What would be that something that could allow the Dom/me to know s/he is dealing with such a situation, in your opinion?
 
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Aibo

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@ClosetDom: We have urges and wishes that are quite incompatible with the mainstream society we live in. No wonder a lot of us hit a low now and then. The submissives more often affected than the dominants for obvious reasons.
So even we got some in the thread that protest the fact, I can only confirm that you've spotted something I have been aware of for many years. A submissive female friend of mine I known r/l for many years go even further and claim that anyone who's into BDSM is a borderline personality. That is one overstatement, but the fact remain that she's onto something with that claim.
Had 4 suicides in my social life, 3 which were into BDSM.
And yes been there myself also, until around 30's. But only depressions and never took any drugs for it, and doc agreed since there we no swings in the other direction thank the gods.
but I been there, and would not belittle anyone who got it.
 
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below

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I'm looking at it the other way around...at the possibility of depression/mental illness being not a *consequence* of their failed love lives and inability to get their needs met, as my friend suggested, but rather a *requisite* at the base of their being drawn to the bdsm scene in the first place ...

Of course. They are hurt and suffering people who next an extra level of care in their lives, a more complex depth of emotion, perhaps.

I have OCD. :D
 
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MIRROR: Download from MEGA

Yes, I can understand all that...it's a pretty scary situation to find oneself in, indeed.

When someone finds themselves in that (self-destructive) state you described above, how could a concerned Dom/me be able to tell that the person s/he is facing is in such a predicament? Are there any particular clues that you would be giving out...some sort of a disguised call for help that could be decyphered by paying attention to certain behaviors, words being said, etc.?
What would be that something that could allow the Dom/me to know s/he is dealing with such a situation, in your opinion?

I think because the Dom I was with was a real twisted puppy anyway he wouldn't have picked up on any odd behaviour from me because he honestly didn't care what I was thinking/feeling so he's not a good example for me.

That being said, I think my current partner is pretty perceptive of changes in my moods but then we live together so I think it's easier than say a couple who only play together.

When we recently started exploring the D/s side of our relationship it was a bit much for me emotionally at first and I couldn't deal. After one particular event that brought back a very unpleasant memory - it was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown over me, I went from being enthused and vocal to almost mute and couldn't even look at him. After anything sexual we usually are touchy/feely and talk with each other but this time I just shut down and stayed in the room alone for a good 30mins afterwards before I could face him again so he knew something was wrong.

So I think that's the first thing is just to take note of any behaviour that is a little 'off' for the sub. Also a sub who seems to let you push their limits to the max without seeming to enjoy it would be an obvious one. Someone who is resigned to what is happening to them rather than an active participant if that makes sense (?)
 
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WrathofThor

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This is a really interesting topic, and like SLP said unless you do a comprehensive study (which I doubt has ever been done fairly), our answers are only based on personal experience and theoretical speculation.

Still there are a lot of fundamental questions here that slip between the cracks. What exactly is depression anyway? I think it's an umbrella word for an array of human emotions that tend to get lumped together under a single label, and this causes a lot of confusion. Life is always changing and sometimes in the ebb and flow it's natural to get depressed, so I guess the ailment of "depression" refers to an irrational or supposedly unwarranted maladjustment to life or to oneself. How we view the disease and our bodies depends entirely on our assumptions about the world and ourselves. In ancient times they had depression, but they didn't have neuroscience or psychology in the way we understand things today. But they had treatments and cures. On the most basic level, we are collections of energy that have gathered somehow into the form and function that makes a human being. Our prosperity and sense of wellness is contingent on the free flow of this energy, like a river adapts to its environment. When something is blocked, or stuck, there is maladjustment, stagnation, or even violence (a dam bursting). Neuroscience and endocrinology can trace the cause and effect model of neurotransmitters and hormones and how they relate to our sense of well-being, but this basic pattern still holds.

I think there's a false depression that's a byproduct of our society. The vast majority of people with "depression" don't have anything wrong with them from their nature. We have the luxury of being lazy, and unhappy, and still being able to survive since we don't have to go through physical trials in order to eat or have shelter. Most people are forced to stick to the same routine to go to the same bullshit job with the same people for years - how could that NOT create depression and stagnate the person's growth as an individual? In general going out with friends, exercising, and having a healthy sex life balances it out and people get by, but when one of these is missing people feel stuck. I think BDSM is a great way for people with this kind of depression to overcome it and deal with their stress. It's an intense physiological event that can induce the same hormonal output as a fight or flight reaction, which will quickly end the tediousness of modern life.

Then there are people who are grieving over a tragedy. Then there are people who are coping with transition in their lives. Then there are women in menopause who are suffering from a shift in hormones that will pass in a few years. And then there are people who have been traumatically disturbed in their lives. Others maybe have a constitutional predisposition to it. There may be some people with emotional trauma that gravitate towards BDSM as a result of it, but to say it's a "prerequisite" isn't true because many of them don't, and many who like BDSM are normal functioning people. However, there might be some truth in the fact that people get used to being treated a certain way and may be stuck in a certain pattern of human interaction. A lot of women who are being physically abused protect their partners because they don't know any other way to be, and their minds have accepted it to be normal. This is the kind of person to watch out for that could be dangerous for the Dom since they are dangerous to themselves.

Speaking from personal experience, my girlfriend and I only get kinky when we're both feeling great. We haven't had any kink since she was hurt in a car accident because it's nurturing time and healing time, and I've put my feelings as a dom/top completely aside to be there for her. But she's highly strung by nature so as she gets back into the swing of things, I imagine she'll need a good spanking in no time :)
 
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WrathofThor

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Is anyone else among the Doms/Masters concerned about this issue as much as I am? My concern stems from ethical, moral and spiritual considerations. If yes, how are you dealing with this issue, specifically?

I have a suggestion on how to deal with this. A lot of play comes from catering to the submissive person's wishes out of necessity for safe sane and consensual play. But in a deeper D/S relationship there is a power dynamic that extends into the person's life. In order to balance out someone who's held back in their lives, they sometimes need to be forced to do something out of their comfort zone that you, as a dom, may see will benefit them. If they want pain play to feed into a pattern of self-destruction, don't give it to them. If they are anti-social, make them go out. If they can't say no, make them stand up for themselves. If they have repressed anger, piss them off and get them to yell it out.

Example: My girlfriend feels overly self-conscious around people she doesn't know or in social situations, and is always wondering what people think about her. My suggestion: do something completely against your nature that forces you not to give a fuck about what they think. Literally two days later she got pressured into singing Karaoke and she's been on fire since then.

Another one: I've been scared to dance all of my life, but always wanted to. I forced myself over and over again to do it no matter how stupid I looked and knew if I could do it, then I could do anything. Finally, after 3 years, I'm comfortable enough that if someone asks me to dance I can get up and have a good time without looking like an idiot!

So I think the thing to keep in mind is balance. If you're just doing what they say, you're not much of a dom, you're just a glorified technician of ropes or pain and any asshole could take your place with a little practice. The tough part is if it's a casual encounter... you almost have no way of knowing the depths of that person's emotion. In that case, I think as long as you make sure the person is happier after you played with them than before you're doing ok.
 
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