Concerns about dealing with psychologically unwell BDSMers

Smallest · Jun 15, 2011

ClosetDom, I know it seems like an unfair bias, but as I said, it's not wrong to be wary. You don't know whether you'll be able to meet their needs, nor they yours, especially emotionally, and you also don't know whether they're playing it up for attention. It's not that one shouldn't ate people who are depressed or suffering any other disease, mental or not, but you do need to be sure that they are what they claim, and that you and they would be able to cope in a relationship. It's the same as someone not suffering anything, of course, only with a little extra caution.

And SLP, you're right about sample size, but it would be shocking to have six of ten women you spoke to advertise their mental condition readily. Even 'I am completely mentally stable!' is a bit odd, let alone a plethora of depressed girls.

Hiding_Changing · Jun 15, 2011

Just thought I could give indifferent viewpoint here since I am a submissive with bipolar disorder. Not sure what is being considered parading around an illness but I will say I do not keep it a secret because I don't want it turning into some skeleton in the closet someone can pull out and use against me.

I do not feel at all that my desire to be submissive is related to me being ill. One thing I try and watch myself for though, so I supposed Doms should watch out for subs with similar conditions, using the lifestyle as an excuse or disguise to be self destructive. When I get that way it is not me being submissive it is be behaving like a crazy person ( I suppose literally ) hoping something goes wrong. Doing things normally out of my comfort zone with people I do not know. When I do stuff like this I am not submitting, I am trying to hurt myself but having someone else actually do it.

Nuka · Jun 15, 2011

I (Nuka) am the Dom and I've been through depression, self harm, blah blah blah. And my family has a heridetary history of depression.

My SO (ashlie) the sub has also been through depression, self harm etc. So then in our case there isn't really a correlation between the two.

If you were to say that there could be some link between "normal" people being more vanilla than those with some sort of "mental imbalance" (no matter how small or large) than that may be an easier hypothesis to explore.

Those in BDSM just because of the BDSM nature, are generally different to others who don't engage in the practice. Whether it's because of sexuality, experiences (like childhood type thing), backgrounds, even economics, lifestyle etc. But really I think when people try to "explain" why people enjoy BDSM, it's because they can't accept it as a part of life, they see it as abnormal and so have to justify it as such.

Would be interesting though to see if there was an actual medical explanation to it xD

sebastian · Jun 15, 2011

Hiding: I wasn't trying to suggest that that being honest about a mental illness is a sign of faking it. Sort of the opposite really. What I was trying to say is that in my experience, some people will talk about a supposed mental illness in a way that implies that it makes them exotic and fascinating. They never seem to be inconvenienced by their condition, just melodramatically affected by it. For example, I knew one woman years ago who insisted she had multiple personalities. During her wedding, each of her personalities came forward to swear vows to her husband.

Those who are genuinely afflicted with a mental illness normally acknowledge it to those around them (at least when it comes up for some reason) but don't go out of their way to seek sympathy. In other words, they acknowledge it so people understand what happening, whereas those who are faking or exaggerating symptoms do so more from dramatic effect and the attention it garners them.

I'm guessing that you'd rather not be bipolar, that you hate taking your medicine and so on. The 'illness queens' I've met seem to enjoy their supposed illness and act as if being cured would somehow diminish them by making them less interesting.

kajmir · Jun 17, 2011

I have clinical depression, it can show any time, anywhere, no particular reason. Got it in my early 20's, never had sub'ish feelings till I was 32ish.

Also a great number of anti-depressants kills sex drive...Not a reason to kill your therory, but something to consider...

sebastian · Jun 17, 2011

Hey, Kaj! Nice to see you again.

subarama30 · Jun 17, 2011

I have suffered depression a lot in the past and I'm a sub, drs have tried to medicate me in the past but I've never taken anything.

Anyway, I have never given a lot of thought to the connection between the two. I was definately in a place for a while where I accepted unacceptable behaviour from my (ex) Dom because I thought I didn't deserve any better but that also stemmed from serious self-esteem issues too and I know not everyone who has these problems is a sub.

Personally, I think it's something that is just in you, like being gay I guess, you just know even if you didn't know what it was that was 'different' about you as a teen or whatever, if that makes sense?

Nuka · Jun 19, 2011

subarama30 said:
I thought I didn't deserve any better but that also stemmed from serious self-esteem issues too and I know not everyone who has these problems is a sub.

Yeah I have quite low confidence and such, and ashlie knows it, yet I retain the Dom status, persona and lifestyle; and we're 24/7.

I think it's down to the individual not the... condition eh?

ClosetDom · Jun 22, 2011

Hiding_Changing said:
Just thought I could give indifferent viewpoint here since I am a submissive with bipolar disorder. Not sure what is being considered parading around an illness but I will say I do not keep it a secret because I don't want it turning into some skeleton in the closet someone can pull out and use against me.

I do not feel at all that my desire to be submissive is related to me being ill. One thing I try and watch myself for though, so I supposed Doms should watch out for subs with similar conditions, using the lifestyle as an excuse or disguise to be self destructive. When I get that way it is not me being submissive it is be behaving like a crazy person ( I suppose literally ) hoping something goes wrong. Doing things normally out of my comfort zone with people I do not know. When I do stuff like this I am not submitting, I am trying to hurt myself but having someone else actually do it.

Yes, HC - thank you so much for your input - that's exactly how it has been coming across to me when being shared by the subs online I talk to who claim to be affected by such conditions ... not as some sort of parading around their situation, but rather wanting me to know about it for the sake of honest communication. Of course, this type of self-revelation has only taken place after talking for a while and at the point where we started sharing at a deeper level about ourselves and our preferences. I have to say that I have kept witnessing this high incidence of such conditions ... I've been interacting a lot with subs on several boards over the past several weeks... So I'm lead to believe that there must be a link of some sort, indeed.
Of course, this does not apply generally to everyone in the lifestyle, but there is certainly a high incidence of it, at least in the context of my own experience.

As to the second part of your post, that's exactly what motivated me to start this thread and to inquire further into this type of dynamics. One thing is when we have two adults in full possession of their ability to make healthy choices for themselves who decide upon some form of play in the context of the limits they feel comfortable with. I see it as a healthy way of expressing the innermost parts of ourselves, and it's wonderful that today we have such freedom and to such extent. Quite another thing is, however, and as you described, when bdsm play is taken to extremes and used by those in temporarily unstable/unhealthy states of mind as a means for high degrees of self-destructiveness/self-injury. I imagine it could even become a slow form of painful suicide, should the condition persist over time. This is something I do not want to be a part of.

Is anyone else among the Doms/Masters concerned about this issue as much as I am? My concern stems from ethical, moral and spiritual considerations. If yes, how are you dealing with this issue, specifically?

ClosetDom · Jun 22, 2011

subarama30 said:
I have suffered depression a lot in the past and I'm a sub, drs have tried to medicate me in the past but I've never taken anything.

Anyway, I have never given a lot of thought to the connection between the two. I was definately in a place for a while where I accepted unacceptable behaviour from my (ex) Dom because I thought I didn't deserve any better but that also stemmed from serious self-esteem issues too and I know not everyone who has these problems is a sub.

Personally, I think it's something that is just in you, like being gay I guess, you just know even if you didn't know what it was that was 'different' about you as a teen or whatever, if that makes sense?

Do you (question directed at others similarly affected as well) feel that your willingness to accept unacceptable behaviors from a Dom/Master increases when the depression deepens and takes more of a hold on you?

Concerns about dealing with psychologically unwell BDSMers

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