a little help from my friends ...

Luna · Sep 18, 2011

I spent a good deal of time this evening going back through FAQ's and it really is a great starting point. And thank you Sebastian, for sharing that wealth of knowledge. You are very good with words, and you explain things well.

The witching hour approaches and I am off to visit with my lover in a few weeks. We see each other at best, maybe a week every three or four months. Every encounter we have we delve a little deeper into our desires. His desire is to be dominated, which we have 'practiced' however we have promised ourselves that this holiday will be about truly exploring our desires and discovering each other.

I posed to him the question of what it is he wants, what he expects of me. His reply was more of 'why he desires this' and not so much 'what he desires.' I tried to elaborate on where the limits are because I believe he underestimates my ability and again the reply was more of 'I have no limits.' So how do I coerce a real answer from him, get the ball rolling so to speak. Between us communication is very good and I'm not sure how we got snagged on this.

sebastian · Sep 19, 2011

When a guy tells me he has no limits, I usually respond with, "Great! So I can cut you till you bleed, shit on the cuts, and beat you until I leave scars!" At that point, they usually discover that they actually have a few limits.

Knots · Sep 19, 2011

Sebastian is quite right, and sometimes people saying they have "no limits" or even not thinking of a limit can lead to other less obvious scenarios.

To give an example, I'd been doing things with my pet for months, and we'd discussed limits/how we felt about certain things/etc a lot, and so far as I was aware she was fine with all body part activities, but we had never discussed feet individually, and she hadn't thought to mention that although it wasn't a limit, she was very much unkeen on the idea; much to my surprise when I randomly did foot related things one day (rather spur of the moment, hadn't "planned" it), only for her (after the scene was over) to get slightly upset about it and feel ill for a few hours afterwards.

All is fine now of course, and it's now an ambition to overcome her diffiulty with feet through training, but this is a rather tame example of something which could have been much more...damaging.

Luna · Sep 19, 2011

So in other words, be blunt. Throw out there something so extreme that it really makes him think.

sebastian · Sep 19, 2011

Yeah, more of less. There are people out there who are into very extreme play. And remember that extreme is relative. I used to think that stuff like pup play and water sports were really extreme. After doing some exploring and realizing what the essence of those kinks are, I find them sort of normal. I completely understand why people do them. So point out some of the possible things that a domme might enjoy doing with him, and ask him if he would accept those things.

Smallest · Sep 19, 2011

I'm curious, Sebastian, what's extreme for you?
Edge play, or?

kajmir · Sep 19, 2011

I say we put Seb on solving world hunger and world peace...should have it fixed by Friday.

But I've used Seb's example myself and find it holds true...it's either a lie or more often then not an honest ignorance.

Luna · Sep 19, 2011

I will take it at honest ignorance. And in fact it did work, and we now have some ground rules to expand upon. So thank you, everyone. I am learning some very interesting things about this relationship.

sebastian · Sep 19, 2011

Smallest, yeah, edge play: blood, fire, breathe control, scarring, branding, that sort of thing.

Knots · Sep 20, 2011

sebastian said:
Smallest, yeah, edge play: blood, fire, breathe control, scarring, branding, that sort of thing.

I think most people who're aware of the risks have real breath control as a hard limit. Something I don't think I'm ever going to be prepared to participate in.

a little help from my friends ...

Luna

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