urges

beckstitch · Oct 28, 2012

hey guys,

wondering if you could help me out, i have just turnt 18 and i have been experiencing these urges during sex. i always liked to be scratched and groped hard during sex but then the urges started getting bigger. i would ask my parnter to pull hard on my hair and bite me, then i would ask him to slap my skin. my urges kept getting bigger i would ask him to tie me up and blindfold me. he suggested i was a masochist, i know very little about it, i think there is something wrong with me. why do i like pain so much during sex?

Smallest · Oct 28, 2012

Had you tried reading the Newcomer's FAQ?

sebastian · Oct 28, 2012

Beckstitch: There's nothing wrong with you. You enjoy the intense sensations that pain play involves, or perhaps the contrast between pleasure and pain. While not normal (in the sense of being what the typical person enjoys), your desires are entirely normal for someone who's wired to be a masochist.

As for the why, that's something kinksters endlessly debate and theorize about. It's possible that there are things in your childhood that conditioned you for BDSM (many subs report some physical abuse during their childhood). It's also possible that something happened during your discovery of sex in your teen years that might have programmed you for kink (for example, pain during your earliest sexual experiences might have built an association in your mind between pain and pleasure). But it's just as possible that you're just hardwired this way. In my experience, some people are 'hardwired' (as we say in the gay community), meaning that tit play gets our cocks hard very quickly. Others simply aren't wired for that, even though they wish they were. So maybe there's something in your past that will help you understand why you like this, but maybe there isn't any specific reason. Maybe it's just the way your body and your mind work.

beckstitch · Oct 29, 2012

thank you for your help, there was a few reasons in my childhood and your comment has helped me understand more. thank you

Lillith · Oct 31, 2012

I question my fetishes sometimes too. I am sure most of them come from my childhood experiences. I am conflicted over if I should do some type of Cognitive Therapy to rewire my sexuality or if I should further delve into my fetishes and fantasies. I fear that if I go too far down the rabbit hole of my fetishes, I will never return out of it. On the other hand, I fear I am missing out on some amazing BDSM experiences and actual GOOD SEX.

sebastian · Oct 31, 2012

And Lilith brings up part of the problem of trying to figure out the origin of your kinks. Let's say you were spanked a lot as a child and therefore learned to associate spanking with love. If your partner doesn't spank you, you feel like they don't love you. Because you associate spanking with sex with a lover, you learn to find spanking pleasurable.

Does the fact that your attraction to spanking grows out of what some would say was childhood abuse mean that your desire to be spanked is bad? Is it a sign that your sexual desires are wrong and that you need to learn to not enjoy spanking? Trying to 'rewire your sexuality' is going to wind up making you feel guilty about what arouses you, and it might not actually work. So you might end up hating yourself for enjoying spanking.

I think it's helpful to understand what drives our fetishes, but I'm not sure that we can unlearn things that we absorbed at formative moments of our lives. They're simply part of us, for better or worse. My feeling is that unless your kink is leading you to do actively dangerous things (for example, if you have a fetish for unprotected sex), you're better off just learning how to manage your kink--how to enjoy it in a way that doesn't disrupt your life or cause you problems.

Lillith · Nov 3, 2012

I believe once one gets deeper into their BDSM desires and finds partners with similar fetishes to explore things, the easier it becomes to accept that this is 'normal'. The care that is taken in a D/s relationship between partners is extremely intimate and caring. There is some kind of strong connecting force between lovers who push limits together. They can gain great heights. I think that is a good focus rather than, "Oh my God is something wrong with me." I am seeing there is a way to place bdsm into one's life and it feel like the most appropriate to express oneself in the world.

Thanks for your points on the topic Sebastien.

badcooky · Nov 5, 2012

What consenting adults do in their own company is theirs and theirs alone , no one can or should judge them.
Enjoy.

Lillith · Nov 6, 2012

So much has changed so quickly. Thanks to all my bdsm friends. I had a wonderful Master friend help me with some things. He acted as my slave for a session of torture. Very empowering and beautiful.

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