Single, Monogamous, Dating And Kinky?

WmaGuy · Apr 8, 2010

So I find myself at 44, single. After 13-years, I am launching myself slowly out into the world again. Part of the reason I joined this forum was to reconnect with what once was a huge part of my life, but has been absent for many years now. Though I haven't posted the final part of my story, Of Rope Stockings And You, (still searching for the disk with the last two chapters), part of my reason for posting it, was a kind of letting go. That story was not written on fantasy and whimsy, but was an actual night from more than a few moons ago. We had incredible sexual chemistry - I mean incredible, pinnacle chemistry. Sadly, we could not translate that compatibility into our daily lives and we gradually grew apart. We have not had any intimate contact in nearly 3-years...

I haven't really discussed much of my departure from my relationship - the sensitive part of me that cares what people think, (even strangers on the internet), didn't want to appear that I was here trolling for dates. I did and do of course, check out the classifieds, but don't see much for people actually wanting to date, with the possibility of something long term. What I see is certainly titillating, but in the end not what I'm ultimately searching for.... Same holds true for Alt.com, which brings me to a quandary...

I would have to say that I've led a pretty charmed life in the "kink department". I've mostly had long-term relationships, so my round count is not that high for someone 44, (I'm no playa...) - can 44-year olds even safely say "playa"?...

With the exception of one short-lived relationship, I've been pretty lucky at finding women who at least had open minds - to one degree or another. What I'm left with is wondering if my luck has run it course? On the one hand, I try not to have prerequisites when it comes to sex, but on the other, I have developed pretty focused tastes, (with a mind open for developing more) and a desire to connect with someone on a level which obviously makes me a member here...

It may sound odd for someone my age seeking dating advice, but that's exactly what I'm doing. I feel as if I don't have a lot of time to waste developing relationships - only to find out that compatibility is lacking. Does anyone have advice as to how I can approach this early on in a dating environment? Should I just come "out with it"? Are there any sites where people who like to "dance on the wild side" are also seeking meaningful, long-term relationships?

Any help, comments or guidance in this arena would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for entertaining my ramble....

sebastian · Apr 8, 2010

Wma, I can feel for you. I lost an 8-year relationship a few years ago, when he chose to leave me (for someone much heavier than I was at the time--let me tell you, there's nothing in American society to prepare you for getting dumped because you're not fat enough). I've been picking up the pieces and it was only after I started getting my shit together that I discovered my dominant side. I too would prefer to date and build a relationship rather than just have a string of enjoyable but essentially shallow hook-ups (not to denigrate the bonds I've formed with a couple of the guys I've played with--sex can build strong friendships).

You're not too old to start again. My lesbian mother didn't come out of the closet until her 50s and had two long term relationships and several shorter ones. If she can do it, so can you and I. I can't give you a ton of advice, because the dynamics of the gay community are very different than those of the straight community. But there are certainly kinky women looking for guys your age, and given that subs often prefer older doms, you may find some hot young things who are desperate for your attention. Lord knows I have.

Have you tried Fetlife? It's Facebook for kinksters, and lots of people advertise there in their profiles. I've gotten one or two hits on that site, and there are lots more straights than gays there. If you were gay, I'd recommend Recon and Gearfetish, but maybe there's a straight version of those sites somewhere.

Don't give up. You've got decades of tying up women ahead of you.

WmaGuy · Apr 8, 2010

Thanks Sebastian - that's sound advice. I've never heard of Fetlife - in fact, much of these online fetish groups are very new to me. In my relationship, we posted a profile on Alt.com looking for another female sub, but got anything but - lots of posers and some excessively creepy people. We found our playpal by accident, (right in front of our noses). Other than posting on LYC, (Lovingyou.com), we pretty much kept to ourselves.

In a way, I wish the straight community was a bit more "out there", (in a good way), like the gay community. There doesn't seem to be a lot of guesswork, (but that's only my perception of it). It also however seems to have that element you describe of a lot of "shallow hook-ups" - I wish there were a happy medium and perhaps there is - I'm just venturing out there, so maybe I'll find it...

I can't even fathom being dumped for not being fat enough Sebastian - I can't really fathom being dumped for not being anything enough physically. I suppose again, I've live a charmed life that way and break-ups were more of an emotional nature. I suppose I'd better buckle up...

** Edit ** You know what's funny? When you mentioned the "hot young things", I have been considering dating outside my traditional age range lately, (30-44, with my ex being 47). I had a recent, but brief YIM exchange with someone in their 20's and found it quite nice, if not a tad intimidating...

sebastian · Apr 8, 2010

Since I started advertising myself as dominant I've had guys in their early 20s throw themselves at me with pleasing regularity, to the point that I can be choosy for the first time in my life--which is a very odd feeling. I have to actively remind myself that I don't have to seriously consider ever offer I get. At least in the gay community, there are a lot more subs than doms.

Being gay generally forces you to get comfortable with being outside the sexual norm. This makes it easier for gays and lesbians to consider other forms of "deviant" sexuality. Indeed the sub who helped me recognize my dominance talked about "coming out" as a sub. And let's be honest: once you get comfortable with the idea of syicking your dick up a guy's ass, the idea of tying up and beating someone isn't _that_ shocking. As a result, queers tend to be more ok with d/s stuff than straights. In that area, I definitely have it easier than you do.

Ceilidh · Apr 10, 2010

WmaGuy said:
** Edit ** You know what's funny? When you mentioned the "hot young things", I have been considering dating outside my traditional age range lately, (30-44, with my ex being 47). I had a recent, but brief YIM exchange with someone in their 20's and found it quite nice, if not a tad intimidating...

*gasp*

Shoes, you find me intimidating?

I know you aren't talking about me, but I just could not resist saying that.

sebastian · Apr 10, 2010

What's intimidating about a 20-something? They're generally inexperienced and have often not had a skilled lover yet, so your superior level of experience goes a long way with most of them. Many subs want an experienced Dom and look for older men as a result, and some love the idea that their Dom has had scores of playthings (at least in the gay community, the image of the sexually insatiable Dom with a stable of boys is quite common). You're also probably not shocked at what they're looking to find, which can be a pleasant surprise for them. And some are looking for a daddy-dom. So the fact is, they're probably more intimidated by you than you are of them.

Ceilidh · Apr 10, 2010

sebastian said:
So the fact is, they're probably more intimidated by you than you are of them.

Doesn't that also go for mice, snakes, spiders, bees, wasps and other creepy things?? (*shudders* I have spheksophobia.) They are more afraid of you than you are of them?

Single, Monogamous, Dating And Kinky?

WmaGuy

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Ceilidh

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