"Hairy Peter..." for those with a sense of humour


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Chapter Eight - After the Sorting

The Sorting was over. After Peter there was very few new students left to sort, and somehow it all seemed something of an anticlimax. The students were led out of the hall by the senior post-graduates, and towards their own particular dormitories and common rooms.

Fesswarts University was a maze of passages, staircases, rooms and chambers, some hidden and some appearing unexpectedly out of nowhere for no particular reason. A passage might be there one minute and gone the next. A door that previously opened onto a room or hallway might open instead onto a blank stone wall, or simply disappear completely. It was rumoured that even the staircases moved, although no one had ever seen them move and with the constant changes to the passages, doors and rooms no one could be absolutely sure that an unfamiliar staircase was unfamiliar only because everything around it had changed rather than the staircase itself.

"Here we are," announced Olivia Birch, captain of Grindonner House, who was leading the way.

"Where?" asked Peter, trying to see anything different in this particular passage from the dozens of others they had been along.

There was nothing. They were in a long passage without any sign of any door or opening. The walls, like the walls of many of the passages and rooms at Fessewarts, were lined with paintings. Peter had looked at some as they passed and had a strange feeling that some of the figures in the paintings had moved, turned to look at him, as he went by. It was most disturbing.

Someone was laughing. Peter looked at the students all around him, partly to see who it was and partly in the hope of seeing what it was that whoever it was found so amusing. There was no one even smiling.

"Right here, of course," said a voice. "You must be Peter. I've heard about your clump of green hair just to the right of your genitals shaped exactly like a peacock."

"I'm not surprised," replied Peter, still trying to see who it was and now quite sure that whoever had laughed had also just spoken.

"Show us," demanded the voice, "And I won't ask for anything else."

"Anything else?"

"The Fat Facesitter always asks you to perform a task before she will let you into Grindonner Tower," explained Olivia Birch.

To Peter's amazement, he realised that it was the figure in the large painting on the passage wall who had spoken. She was a very large woman, completely naked as were many of the figures in the paintings, seated comfortably on the face of a semi-naked man. To his embarrassment, everyone in the group of students was now looking at him expectantly.

"Come on. Hurry up," said the Fat Facesitter. "I can't sit here all day waiting for you."

""What else would you do?" asked Peter, quite fascinated despite his embarrassment. It seemed to him that a figure in a painting could hardly have much else to do other than to carry on with whatever she had been painted doing.

"I'm becoming bored with Chancellor Grundle," said the Fat Facesitter haughtily. "I want to go and find one of the other old Chancellors to sit on."

There was a scurry of movement, although not from the waiting students and not from the painting of the Fat Facesitter in front of them. Figures in other painting all along the passage had, quite simply, disappeared. Peter saw one figure rush across a painting, disappear, reappear in the next and rush across that too before vanishing completely.

"Yes, hurry up Peter," said Olivia Birch. "You should all be thankful she didn't make me thrash you all with a cane before she let us in. That's what she usually wants when it's a group of new students."

Reluctantly, Peter pulled up his robes.

"Very nice," said the Fat Facesitter. "The clump of green hair just to the right of your genitals shaped exactly like a peacock isn't bad either. All right. You can come in."

The painting swung outwards, revealing a doorway behind it and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The students followed Olivia Birch up the stairs, and the painting closed behind them.

At the top of the stairs was the Grindonner Common Room, a cheerful, comfortable area, surprisingly spacious with a blazing log fire in a huge fireplace at one side of it. Three archways led out of the Common Room, as well as the opening at the top of the spiral staircase.

"That goes to the male dormitories," said Olivia, indicating the archway on the left. "And that goes to the female dormitories," she continued, indicating the archway on the right.

"What's that one?" asked Don, pointing to the archway straight ahead of them.

"Your name?" asked Olivia.

"Don," said Don. "Don Weenie."

"I hope you're less trouble than your sisters," said Olivia seriously. "And I advise you to stay out of that room until you have been here for a few terms at least. That's the Chamber of Unlimited Needs, Thrills and Satisfaction. It's magic. Whatever you feel like doing, that chamber will have everything needed to make it happen. The risk is, of course, that someone will come in whose desires are different to yours, and you suddenly find yourself doing something you hadn't intended."

"But then you just go out and come back in again, surely?" said Herniame logically.

"It doesn't quite work like that," Olivia told her. "Naturally, any female needs will take priority over male needs, that's obvious. It's just that the Chamber won't let anyone out until at least one desire has been fully satisfied. As I said, wait until you've been here for a few terms before you try it. Your skills need to be learned and developed before you go in there."

The new students took a few minutes to absorb this information. Without exception, every one of them wanted to go into the chamber, and without exception every one of them realised just what the consequences might be. The silence was broken by Olivia.

"I'll leave you to get better acquainted with each other," she said. "You'll find other Grindonners drifting in and out of here regularly. Ask any of them if you want to know anything. Your personal luggage has already been taken to your dormitories and is waiting on your beds. I'll see you all later."

It was all rather overwhelming. Peter found himself the focus of most of the attention, much to his surprise. It had been disturbing enough to find that every knew about and wanted to see the clump of green hair just to the right of his genitals in the shape of a peacock, but now it quickly became clear that everyone wanted to know everything about him.

"There's not much to tell," he insisted. "I was brought up in a perfectly ordinary home by a perfectly ordinary couple of non-magic people. That's all there is to it."

It was not quite true. Peter's upbringing was not normal by any standards. His mistreatment at the hands of Eustace and Inger Bottomley would, by even the lowest of standards, be considered intolerable. However, it was not this that interested the other students but the story of how he had come to acquire the clump of green hair just to the right of his genitals in the shape of a peacock and, if the rumours about it were correct, how he had actually survived his encounter with He-Who-Must-Never-Be-Sat-Upon.
 
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Chapter 8 - continued...


Unfortunately, Peter was unable to tell them anything about it. He had known nothing of it at all until the previous day, and little more of it now. He resolved to find out everything he could, particularly as he now it it was in some way connected with the death of his mother.

If nothing else, the intense curiosity of the students meant that Peter came to know them all very quickly. He could remember few of their names, however, and apart from Don Weenie and Herniame Grimwaite the only one who stuck in his mind was Merry Shagger, a shy, sad girl who rarely said anything unless someone asked her a question. It was only much later that evening when Peter thought about what he had seen of Don on the train when Don had the problem with the Every Flavour Condom and when he considered how slim and light Herniame really was, he began to wonder just how many of his fellow students had quite inappropriate names. He considered his own: Peter Petter. It could be worse, he decided, even if it did sound like a character from a comic book.

The conversation in the common room continued until Olivia Birch once more appeared at the top of the spiral staircase and announced that if they did not all find their way to the main hall in the next fifteen minutes then they would miss dinner that evening. She was nearly knocked down the stairs in the rush, and even then three of the new students, as well as Neil Shortass who was not new and should have known better, became completely lost in the maze of passages and had to go to bed hungry when they eventually turned up back at Grindonner Tower.

"I suppose you want to see the clump of green hair just to the right of my genitals in the shape of a peacock before you let me in?" said Peter to the Fat Facesitter.

The Fat Facesitter yawned. "Not particularly," she said. "Seen it. Let's keep it simple. I want you to kiss the first female who turns up, and not a peck on the cheek either. I want open mouths with tongues, and I want to see you both enjoying it."

"This is a crazy way to have to get into my own common room," complained Peter. "Why can't we simply have a password or something? After all, you could ask anyone to do anything and you would let them in whether they ought to be in Grindonner Tower or not!"

"A password?" said the Fat Facesitter, fascinated suddenly. "What a really good idea. I wonder why no one has thought of that before?"

As she was musing about the possibilities of a password and asking her seat what he thought, Merry Shagger came up the passage.

"We can't get in," Peter told her. "Not until I kiss someone. It's ridiculous."

"Think yourself lucky it's only a kiss, young man," said the Fat Facesitter, waggling one finger at him sternly. "Last year I made two of the new students make love on the cold floor of that passageway for three hours before I let them in, and the year before I had the fattest girl sit on the skinniest boy until morning. You are very fortunate indeed that I'm tired and I really can't be bothered with doing too much tonight."

The Fat Facesitter's seat muttered something that, to Peter, sounded very much like 'Thank goodness for that!', and Merry Shagger pulled at his arm.

"Here," she said in a small voice.

Merry was just about as tall as Peter, although her quiet and withdrawn character always made everyone think she was much shorter than she really was. Before Peter realised what was happening, Merry's open mouth was clamped onto his and her tongue was thrust as far towards his tonsils as she possibly could which, in the case of Merry's particularly long tongue was an extremely long way.

"Wonderful," said the Fat Facesitter, clapping her hands enthusiastically. "You can go in now."

The painting swung open, and with a noise not unlike a rubber plunger successfully unblocking a drain, Merry broke the sucking grip her mouth had on Peter's and rushed up the spiral staircase without a word. When Peter recovered and followed, there was no sign of her in the common room. He assumed she must have gone straight up to the girls' dormitory.

It was not long before the common room began to empty. Most of the new students were tired, and although others came in and chatted for a while, few stayed more than a few minutes. Soon there was no one in sight at all.

Peter stretched and yawned, deciding that it was time he was in bed too. He stood up, and it was only then that he noticed Herniame slumped in an armchair staring morosely at the fire.

"Oh. Hi," said Peter. "I didn't see you there."

"No," agreed Herniame, "You didn't. If you had, then you might have rushed off to the dormitory before you had to talk to me."

Peter sat down in the chair opposite her. "No I wouldn't," he told her. "I would have come over and talked to you."

"Really?"

"Of course. It's all a bit confusing here, isn't it? It's nice to have someone to talk to, even if we only met on the train at least we know each other a bit," said Peter, not sure why Herniame seemed so miserable and determined to do his best to cheer her up.

"Confusing? It's horrible. They hate me. They said so."

"Who hates you?" asked Peter, really surprised. "I think you're nice. Really."

"Nice? After I sat on you like that?"

"Well, yes," admitted Peter. "I rather enjoyed it. It was so much nicer than... than... than the others."

"I had an orgasm," said Herniame. "Did you notice?"

"Um... yes," said Peter. "I guessed you did. That was nice too. Actually..." he hesitated, not wanting to upset her any more than she was already upset, "I've been meaning to ask you. I mean, on the train you seemed so... um... so knowledgable with the Every Flavour Condoms and all that. I'm surprised the Sorting Seat didn't want to put you into Suckenpuff instead of Grindonner."

Herniame looked blank, so Peter continued hurriedly. "I just wondered how it was that the Sorting Seat said you were a facesit virgin. Perhaps I didn't hear it right."

"I was a facesit virgin," said Herniame miserably. "And no experienced sitter would have orgasmed the way I did. I can't help it. I've only read about most of it in books. I suppose everyone will find out sooner or later, so you might as well know now then you can hate me just like everyone will do when they find out."

"Find out what?" asked Peter.

"Find out about my parents," said Herniame miserably. "I was hoping to keep it quiet, but I can see it's pointless."

"Find out what about your parents?" asked Peter, beginning to wonder whether it was something really terrible that Herniame was about to tell him.

She turned her face to him, and Peter could see there were tears in her eyes.

"They are both vanilla," she said.


 
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