Susan Strict
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Chapter Eight - After the Sorting
The Sorting was over. After Peter there was very few new students left to sort, and somehow it all seemed something of an anticlimax. The students were led out of the hall by the senior post-graduates, and towards their own particular dormitories and common rooms.
Fesswarts University was a maze of passages, staircases, rooms and chambers, some hidden and some appearing unexpectedly out of nowhere for no particular reason. A passage might be there one minute and gone the next. A door that previously opened onto a room or hallway might open instead onto a blank stone wall, or simply disappear completely. It was rumoured that even the staircases moved, although no one had ever seen them move and with the constant changes to the passages, doors and rooms no one could be absolutely sure that an unfamiliar staircase was unfamiliar only because everything around it had changed rather than the staircase itself.
"Here we are," announced Olivia Birch, captain of Grindonner House, who was leading the way.
"Where?" asked Peter, trying to see anything different in this particular passage from the dozens of others they had been along.
There was nothing. They were in a long passage without any sign of any door or opening. The walls, like the walls of many of the passages and rooms at Fessewarts, were lined with paintings. Peter had looked at some as they passed and had a strange feeling that some of the figures in the paintings had moved, turned to look at him, as he went by. It was most disturbing.
Someone was laughing. Peter looked at the students all around him, partly to see who it was and partly in the hope of seeing what it was that whoever it was found so amusing. There was no one even smiling.
"Right here, of course," said a voice. "You must be Peter. I've heard about your clump of green hair just to the right of your genitals shaped exactly like a peacock."
"I'm not surprised," replied Peter, still trying to see who it was and now quite sure that whoever had laughed had also just spoken.
"Show us," demanded the voice, "And I won't ask for anything else."
"Anything else?"
"The Fat Facesitter always asks you to perform a task before she will let you into Grindonner Tower," explained Olivia Birch.
To Peter's amazement, he realised that it was the figure in the large painting on the passage wall who had spoken. She was a very large woman, completely naked as were many of the figures in the paintings, seated comfortably on the face of a semi-naked man. To his embarrassment, everyone in the group of students was now looking at him expectantly.
"Come on. Hurry up," said the Fat Facesitter. "I can't sit here all day waiting for you."
""What else would you do?" asked Peter, quite fascinated despite his embarrassment. It seemed to him that a figure in a painting could hardly have much else to do other than to carry on with whatever she had been painted doing.
"I'm becoming bored with Chancellor Grundle," said the Fat Facesitter haughtily. "I want to go and find one of the other old Chancellors to sit on."
There was a scurry of movement, although not from the waiting students and not from the painting of the Fat Facesitter in front of them. Figures in other painting all along the passage had, quite simply, disappeared. Peter saw one figure rush across a painting, disappear, reappear in the next and rush across that too before vanishing completely.
"Yes, hurry up Peter," said Olivia Birch. "You should all be thankful she didn't make me thrash you all with a cane before she let us in. That's what she usually wants when it's a group of new students."
Reluctantly, Peter pulled up his robes.
"Very nice," said the Fat Facesitter. "The clump of green hair just to the right of your genitals shaped exactly like a peacock isn't bad either. All right. You can come in."
The painting swung outwards, revealing a doorway behind it and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The students followed Olivia Birch up the stairs, and the painting closed behind them.
At the top of the stairs was the Grindonner Common Room, a cheerful, comfortable area, surprisingly spacious with a blazing log fire in a huge fireplace at one side of it. Three archways led out of the Common Room, as well as the opening at the top of the spiral staircase.
"That goes to the male dormitories," said Olivia, indicating the archway on the left. "And that goes to the female dormitories," she continued, indicating the archway on the right.
"What's that one?" asked Don, pointing to the archway straight ahead of them.
"Your name?" asked Olivia.
"Don," said Don. "Don Weenie."
"I hope you're less trouble than your sisters," said Olivia seriously. "And I advise you to stay out of that room until you have been here for a few terms at least. That's the Chamber of Unlimited Needs, Thrills and Satisfaction. It's magic. Whatever you feel like doing, that chamber will have everything needed to make it happen. The risk is, of course, that someone will come in whose desires are different to yours, and you suddenly find yourself doing something you hadn't intended."
"But then you just go out and come back in again, surely?" said Herniame logically.
"It doesn't quite work like that," Olivia told her. "Naturally, any female needs will take priority over male needs, that's obvious. It's just that the Chamber won't let anyone out until at least one desire has been fully satisfied. As I said, wait until you've been here for a few terms before you try it. Your skills need to be learned and developed before you go in there."
The new students took a few minutes to absorb this information. Without exception, every one of them wanted to go into the chamber, and without exception every one of them realised just what the consequences might be. The silence was broken by Olivia.
"I'll leave you to get better acquainted with each other," she said. "You'll find other Grindonners drifting in and out of here regularly. Ask any of them if you want to know anything. Your personal luggage has already been taken to your dormitories and is waiting on your beds. I'll see you all later."
It was all rather overwhelming. Peter found himself the focus of most of the attention, much to his surprise. It had been disturbing enough to find that every knew about and wanted to see the clump of green hair just to the right of his genitals in the shape of a peacock, but now it quickly became clear that everyone wanted to know everything about him.
"There's not much to tell," he insisted. "I was brought up in a perfectly ordinary home by a perfectly ordinary couple of non-magic people. That's all there is to it."
It was not quite true. Peter's upbringing was not normal by any standards. His mistreatment at the hands of Eustace and Inger Bottomley would, by even the lowest of standards, be considered intolerable. However, it was not this that interested the other students but the story of how he had come to acquire the clump of green hair just to the right of his genitals in the shape of a peacock and, if the rumours about it were correct, how he had actually survived his encounter with He-Who-Must-Never-Be-Sat-Upon.
Chapter Eight - After the Sorting
The Sorting was over. After Peter there was very few new students left to sort, and somehow it all seemed something of an anticlimax. The students were led out of the hall by the senior post-graduates, and towards their own particular dormitories and common rooms.
Fesswarts University was a maze of passages, staircases, rooms and chambers, some hidden and some appearing unexpectedly out of nowhere for no particular reason. A passage might be there one minute and gone the next. A door that previously opened onto a room or hallway might open instead onto a blank stone wall, or simply disappear completely. It was rumoured that even the staircases moved, although no one had ever seen them move and with the constant changes to the passages, doors and rooms no one could be absolutely sure that an unfamiliar staircase was unfamiliar only because everything around it had changed rather than the staircase itself.
"Here we are," announced Olivia Birch, captain of Grindonner House, who was leading the way.
"Where?" asked Peter, trying to see anything different in this particular passage from the dozens of others they had been along.
There was nothing. They were in a long passage without any sign of any door or opening. The walls, like the walls of many of the passages and rooms at Fessewarts, were lined with paintings. Peter had looked at some as they passed and had a strange feeling that some of the figures in the paintings had moved, turned to look at him, as he went by. It was most disturbing.
Someone was laughing. Peter looked at the students all around him, partly to see who it was and partly in the hope of seeing what it was that whoever it was found so amusing. There was no one even smiling.
"Right here, of course," said a voice. "You must be Peter. I've heard about your clump of green hair just to the right of your genitals shaped exactly like a peacock."
"I'm not surprised," replied Peter, still trying to see who it was and now quite sure that whoever had laughed had also just spoken.
"Show us," demanded the voice, "And I won't ask for anything else."
"Anything else?"
"The Fat Facesitter always asks you to perform a task before she will let you into Grindonner Tower," explained Olivia Birch.
To Peter's amazement, he realised that it was the figure in the large painting on the passage wall who had spoken. She was a very large woman, completely naked as were many of the figures in the paintings, seated comfortably on the face of a semi-naked man. To his embarrassment, everyone in the group of students was now looking at him expectantly.
"Come on. Hurry up," said the Fat Facesitter. "I can't sit here all day waiting for you."
""What else would you do?" asked Peter, quite fascinated despite his embarrassment. It seemed to him that a figure in a painting could hardly have much else to do other than to carry on with whatever she had been painted doing.
"I'm becoming bored with Chancellor Grundle," said the Fat Facesitter haughtily. "I want to go and find one of the other old Chancellors to sit on."
There was a scurry of movement, although not from the waiting students and not from the painting of the Fat Facesitter in front of them. Figures in other painting all along the passage had, quite simply, disappeared. Peter saw one figure rush across a painting, disappear, reappear in the next and rush across that too before vanishing completely.
"Yes, hurry up Peter," said Olivia Birch. "You should all be thankful she didn't make me thrash you all with a cane before she let us in. That's what she usually wants when it's a group of new students."
Reluctantly, Peter pulled up his robes.
"Very nice," said the Fat Facesitter. "The clump of green hair just to the right of your genitals shaped exactly like a peacock isn't bad either. All right. You can come in."
The painting swung outwards, revealing a doorway behind it and a spiral staircase leading upwards. The students followed Olivia Birch up the stairs, and the painting closed behind them.
At the top of the stairs was the Grindonner Common Room, a cheerful, comfortable area, surprisingly spacious with a blazing log fire in a huge fireplace at one side of it. Three archways led out of the Common Room, as well as the opening at the top of the spiral staircase.
"That goes to the male dormitories," said Olivia, indicating the archway on the left. "And that goes to the female dormitories," she continued, indicating the archway on the right.
"What's that one?" asked Don, pointing to the archway straight ahead of them.
"Your name?" asked Olivia.
"Don," said Don. "Don Weenie."
"I hope you're less trouble than your sisters," said Olivia seriously. "And I advise you to stay out of that room until you have been here for a few terms at least. That's the Chamber of Unlimited Needs, Thrills and Satisfaction. It's magic. Whatever you feel like doing, that chamber will have everything needed to make it happen. The risk is, of course, that someone will come in whose desires are different to yours, and you suddenly find yourself doing something you hadn't intended."
"But then you just go out and come back in again, surely?" said Herniame logically.
"It doesn't quite work like that," Olivia told her. "Naturally, any female needs will take priority over male needs, that's obvious. It's just that the Chamber won't let anyone out until at least one desire has been fully satisfied. As I said, wait until you've been here for a few terms before you try it. Your skills need to be learned and developed before you go in there."
The new students took a few minutes to absorb this information. Without exception, every one of them wanted to go into the chamber, and without exception every one of them realised just what the consequences might be. The silence was broken by Olivia.
"I'll leave you to get better acquainted with each other," she said. "You'll find other Grindonners drifting in and out of here regularly. Ask any of them if you want to know anything. Your personal luggage has already been taken to your dormitories and is waiting on your beds. I'll see you all later."
It was all rather overwhelming. Peter found himself the focus of most of the attention, much to his surprise. It had been disturbing enough to find that every knew about and wanted to see the clump of green hair just to the right of his genitals in the shape of a peacock, but now it quickly became clear that everyone wanted to know everything about him.
"There's not much to tell," he insisted. "I was brought up in a perfectly ordinary home by a perfectly ordinary couple of non-magic people. That's all there is to it."
It was not quite true. Peter's upbringing was not normal by any standards. His mistreatment at the hands of Eustace and Inger Bottomley would, by even the lowest of standards, be considered intolerable. However, it was not this that interested the other students but the story of how he had come to acquire the clump of green hair just to the right of his genitals in the shape of a peacock and, if the rumours about it were correct, how he had actually survived his encounter with He-Who-Must-Never-Be-Sat-Upon.
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