Yep, So I Feel Like the Worst Domme Ever...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Foreverbunny91, Feb 24, 2013.

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    I like to go slow with subs just in case... I know it's not the hottest thing ever, but the last thing I want to do is cause someone psychological damage. I met a particular sub who is REALLY into pegging and pain. We met up once and did some light play. He was grateful but ultimately unsatisfied with this. He detailed out a scene to me that involved quite a bit of pain and some hardcore anal play. He said he was used to all of this. So he brings his toys (the boy has a pretty damn impressive toy collection for a sub!) and we play. Lots of pain, but the scene ended abruptly after his bum had started bleeding. He insisted this was okay, but I stopped the scene, because I don't want to be responsible for any injuries. He got a bubble bath and then we went to Taco Bell.

    Before we went to bed, he said he wanted me to keep his toys and he believes he'd just lost interest in submission. I tried to protest keeping his things, but he said he had no use for them. This really, really bothers me.

    I suppose perhaps it bothered him that I didn't get off. (I never do with other people. I have tried a LOT, but it's just not how my body works.) He had asked me at Taco Bell what I get out of doing things like this. I told him playfully that it satisfies my sadistic side. (I didn't particularly feel like getting into why I like to top.) Or perhaps, he actually does want to play more but he finds it odd using his toys and prefers they be mine... Or maybe he really has just lost interest and I shouldn't internalize it.

    I need all sorts of advice right now. What do I do? What do you think happened? Is it my fault? Did I do anything wrong? If not, how do I stop from blaming myself?!?!? Advice ASAP would be appreciated.

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    Hi FB,
    First of all, why are you blaming yourself for this guy's reaction?

    It sounds like you did what he asked for. OK, there was some minor injury, but you were responsible enough to stop the scene.

    To me it sounds like this guy has some issues anyway, and you were just somebody he could use as an excuse to "vent". His reaction seems extremely immature to me.

    Do you think he was upset because you didn't seem to be sexually aroused? That's how a pro-Domme would if you choose to be that way too then I'm not quite getting why he would be so disappointed.

    But most of all I do not believe you should be blaming yourself in any way.


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    I take D/s very seriously. Submissives put their lives in your hands- sometimes literally. If I caused anyone any unwanted anything, I'd feel awful.

    I don't see how he's immature... He possibly has some issues. He wasn't being dramatic or anything. He wasn't blaming me. He just simply stated he lost interest and would like me to keep his toys. I'm not sure why he wanted me to top him in the first place. He was actually used to ProDommes and his past few girlfriends had been experienced ProDommes.

    What on earth do I do with his stuff? I mean, it's like $200 worth of things he's collected over years, and I don't want to keep it all if I never see him again! He seemed like he maybe wanted to play again after he left. I'm unsure. I'm just really uncomfortable with this whole situation. I may invite him over once more and sit him down and talk to him and tell him he needs to take his stuff and I don't think this is going to work out between us... He seems... off... IDK how. I like how masochistic he is, but I'm unsure if he's my kind of sub.

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    I don't think you are at fault. It sounds to me like you did everything right and that you are quite an amazing Domme

    I think having him over again to talk is the only proper course of action in your case. Unfortunately you've been put in quite a perdicamant but I'm sure you can handle it. Just be honest with him. I'm sorry I don't have any further advice.
  5. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    Clean his stuff good if you ever intend to use it on someone else.

    I'd put his things aside for a while. Don't badger him about taking it back, but if he doesn't want to play with you again, contact him after a while (a couple weeks, maybe) seeing if he'd like it back. If it is just that he wants the Domme to hold the stuff, you ave no problem. If he doesn't want it or you back feel free to use or sell it (but give him a last warning before you get rid of anything, of course).
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Bunny, I agree that you didn't do anything wrong here. You behaved as a responsible domme should. I had a somewhat similar thing happen two years ago--gave a boy exactly what he requested, he told me both in person and in an email that he enjoyed himself, and then the next day sent me an email telling me how horrible a person I was, that he had been crying constantly, and offering veiled threats to contact my employer.

    Some subs are either not emotionally ready or are emotionally broken enough that they shouldn't play. This boy sounds like he has some experience, but he has some sort of psychological issue. It might have been something you did, but it might just as easily have been something that has been building in him for a while. Or, for all you know, he does this with every domme he plays with. He may feel deeply conflicted about his desires, ashamed of what he likes. Or maybe it's part of his fetish, to freak out dommes.

    I would suggest you give him a chance to sit with his desires, because they're probably going to come back eventually. Stick his toys in a bag and put them in the closet for a few months. Then contact him again and ask him what he's feeling and whether he wants them back. If he doesn't, keep them as compensation for the anxiety he's put you through, or throw them away. There's not much of a market for used sex toys (I wonder why...), so I doubt you'll have much success in selling them.

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