Wife-to-be not turned on by BDSM but willing...

renzomaester · Feb 4, 2010

Hi all,

I am a middle-aged Caucasian man engaged to a beautiful Nigerian woman in her 30s. We have been exchanging letters for over three years now and I have met her on several occasions while I was over there on business trips. I am convinced our thing is true love.

Anyhow, I found out long ago that I had a strong Dominant side within me, but I kept it inside me during my past relationships. This time, as we became engaged, I wrote to her about my sexuality and my fantasies and asked her how she would feel about adopting a BDSM lifestyle. Her answer left me perplexed: to sum it up, she said something in the line of: "I don't think I would like it at first, but I will do it if it makes you happy and I will learn to enjoy it."

So here is my first question: is it at all possible for someone not into BDSM to "learn to enjoy" this lifestyle if she is willing to? I want to have a fulfilling sex life, but I also want my wife to be happy in that life.

I have a second concern. My fiancee comes from a very poor family. She has little education and has three children whom she has raised alone until now. She kept telling me how I was "her savior" and how grateful she was that I accepted to become the father to her children. Therefore, in addition to the D/s relationship, she will be financially and emotionally dependent of me. Is this multi-level dependence an issue in a D/s relationship?

Thanks in advance for your responses...

Mistress_Andrea · Feb 5, 2010

I could be totally off base as I don't know you or her, but to me, it sounds like she's more afraid of losing you and the security she finds with you if she doesn't make herself enjoy what you want out of her sexually.

9onthedime · Feb 5, 2010

To be honest, I think she's just trying to get a visa out of you. There are plenty of American women available.

Obedient Little Puppy · Feb 5, 2010

Sorry, but I agree...this does sound like a con

sebastian · Feb 5, 2010

It's possible that she has ulterior motives, but that's not really the question he asked. We have no way to evaluate what she really feels about him (and presumably he's aware of this sort of con and has concluded that she's genuine), so let's assume that he's correct in his assessment and that she does genuinely care for him. He's asking two separate questions: 1) Can a vanilla woman learn to enjoy d/s play with a dom husband? 2) How does her financial dependence on him affect his desire to establish a d/s relationship?

1) The simple answer is yes. Some vanilla partners can learn to enjoy d/s play. I have a good friend who is vanilla but willing to indulge her boyfriend's dominant instincts. I don't know how far into the scene she had gotten when she broke up with him, but she introduced her next boyfriend to d/s play and it was an element of their sex life for a while, until they started having other issues. So she enjoyed it enough to want it in her next relationship. That is not, however, to say that your fiance will definitely adapt to it. Some vanilla men and women simply don't like it or are unable to set aside their cultural conditioning enough to become comfortable with it. Her statement that she is willing to try it seems clear enough, but the fact that she said it doesn't mean that she's be able to get comfortable with it. But maybe even if she doesn't really enjoy it, she will be willing to indulge it enough to satisfy you.

2a) This is a rather more complex problem, I think. D/s play is founded on consent. It would be, in my opinion, immoral to put a sub in a situation in which she felt that she couldn't withdraw her consent for fear of the consequences it would have, because at that point she is essentially being coerced into giving consent. So you're in an morally tricky situation. She has said that she will consent out of love, but she may secretly worry that if she doesn't consent, you will abandon her and leave her in poverty again. It seems to me that you need to have some very honest discussions with her about what her options are if she doesn't consent, and how you would react.

Let's say hypothetically she decides that she doesn't consent (she's tried and found it unpleasant). Would you still be willing to marry her and give up d/s play for the foreseeable future? If the answer is yes, then you should re-assure her that her decision to not consent won't put her back into poverty because you'll still marry her. If the answer is no, you won't marry her if she won't consent to this, then you need to find a way to be certain that her consent is truly voluntary. You might, for example, establish some sort of fund to help raise her children even if she doesn't marry you. In a situation like that, her financial future is not dependent on her consent, and therefore her consent is likely to be genuine.

Now, you may disagree with my position that it is immoral to semi-coerce a sub into consenting. For me, consent is the bedrock foundation for d/s play, but you may draw the line in a slightly different place than I have here. You may feel that her consent is valid if she's willing to return to poverty as a consequence of withdrawing it. But I do think you need to think about what is necessary for you to know that her consent is essentially sincere and not coerced through her financial needs.

2b) Having said all that, some 24/7 d/s relationships do involve the sub being totally dependent on the dom financially. In a situation like that, the sub may have an outside job but turn over her income to her dom so that she has no control over the money she's earning; perhaps she receives an allowance. Of course, in a situation like this, if the sub chooses to withdraw consent and leave her dom, she has her job to support herself with. If your wife is not working, she is truly financially dependent on you. Historically, this arrangement was very common in 19th century marriages (Nora in Ibsen's Doll House and Edna in Kate Chopin's the Awakening are both in this sort of situation--in fact, reading this works may help you clarify your feelings about this problem), and many couples found such an arrangement natural and workable. Although I don't know much about Nigerian culture, I'm willing to bet this sort of arrangement would seem more acceptable to the average Nigerian woman than the average American woman (though I'm sure that many Nigerian women would dislike it). But, if your wife really is financially totally dependent on you, this does raise the problem of how she could genuinely consent. Perhaps you need to insist that she get a job, to ensure that if she withdraws consent and has to leave you, it is possible for her to support herself.

I hope this has at least shed some light on the problem for you. Good luck working it out.

Tawsedpaws · Feb 5, 2010

My advice would be don`t marry her.
I married my wife 32 years ago and thought that she was the one for me as we had played dressing up games and she even was using a riding crop on my backside to make me keep the rythmn whilst making love.That was great and in the early days of our marriage she would be give my backside a good spanking and strapping before making love.
As the years passed it became obvious to me that she was only acting the part to please me and not getting any great satisfaction from her dom role for herself.
I`m still married to her as I love her in other ways,but for my sm pleasure,I have made acquaintance of a couple of female friends who don`t want a relationship but just the fun of the roleplay and cp or I go to a pro domme.
So if she is telling you now that she doesn`t like the idea,go find someone who does,it`s much easier nowadays than it was over 30 years ago when I was looking.
Good luck whichever choice you make.

Tawsedpaws

kittengrey · Feb 6, 2010

sebastian said:
2b) Having said all that, some 24/7 d/s relationships do involve the sub being totally dependent on the dom financially.

Actually, I'm in this now. My Master has a good enough job where I don't need to work and where he can comfortably support the both of us (plus spend some extra cash on games and such)

Taking in everyone's posts (even though some of them were a bit...errr....harsh and unhelpful, sorry to says guys but some of them were a tad rude) I would say to give it time. Don't marry her yet. Instead, spend some time with her and try being with each other, including the sexuality part. Talk a lot, and make sure that, before anything else, you build trust. Make sure that you two are willing to discuss each other's needs, and are willing to talk to each other if either of you are having problems. Yes, there is a possibility that she will consent because she is scared of losing you, but this is where you need to make sure that either you can be with her whether she consents or not, or if you need someone who can consent to your dominant side. I have a very submissive side, and it broke up my last relationship because my ex-master just wasn't dominant, she was only trying so she didn't lose me. Hell, it got to the point where I was going out of my mind I needed the dominance so badly and I almost choked her to death cuz I lost my temper. Make sure that you don't surpress your dominant side, because it will grind your nerves if you surpress it.

sebastian · Feb 6, 2010

I'm curious, kitten, how do you feel that being financially dependent on your master affects your relationship? Do you feel like it influences your ability to consent?

kittengrey · Feb 6, 2010

Well, I started talking to Master again back in October (we had been apart for 1 1/2 beforehand) for the sole purpose of giving myself fully to him as a slave. As a lover, the financially dependent thing slightly annoys me only because I want to be able to help him raise money for our future, but I can't. But, in another point of view, it shows me that he wants to have me with him and that he loves me enough to support me fully even though I've offered to get a job to support myself and he's said not to worry about it. In the lifestyle point of view, its partially motivation for me to submit to him more, because I say 'he's supporting me, feeding me, and taking care of me. I need to express my gratification to him through submitting to him'. I normally associate that with the house chores though, cuz its kinda like I'm 'working for my keep' by keeping the house up.
So yeah, relationship wise, the 'financially dependent' thing makes me feel more secure that he cares for me and that he's with me because he loves me and not because of looks or submission or anything like that. For the consenting, it does influence it in a way, even though I see it more as incentive then anything. But, whether he was supporting me financially or not, I would still want to give myself to him fully, it would probably just take more time for me to consent without the incentive.

sebastian · Feb 6, 2010

That makes a lot of sense. I'm glad it works so well for you. Seems like it would be a very meaningful thing. But it sounds like you already had an established relationship with your master when you decided to take this step. So your situation is really quite different from Renzomaester's.

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