Why am I attracting really weird people??

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sweetling91, Dec 17, 2013.

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  1. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

    Hi everyone,

    First I should say that I'm still relatively new to this lifestyle after engaging with it for a few weeks online up until now. I'm still discovering myself slowly and steadily and I've already noticed that I've gained a new kind of confidence in myself, which is really awesome for the way others see me. I've noticed that since I grew more confident in myself that more guys notice me than usual and that is a good thing for my ego right?

    But right now I'm starting to wish that I was more invisible again to the other sex because most of the interested guys are real creeps and that seriously creeps me out!! It's just that I've been asked out repeatedly by a still married grandpa and he was really touchy, feely with me although I didn't encourage him and tried to tell him no. He stayed at me for about 3 to 4 months until he finally gave up!
    More recently I've met really clingy guys who just don't take no for an answer either and that is seriously creepy. Considering I haven't even dated one of them and yet they still persist about asking me out and showing signs of jealousy when other guys look at me when I happen to be around those creeps.

    Does anyone else have the same problem or is something wrong with me? Why can't I seem to be able to attract the 'good' guys? It's not that I don't meet them because I do but they are mostly more buddies than potential boyfriends.

    Some answers would be appreciated ^^

    Sweetling
     
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  2. Hi sweetling,
    It all sounds relatively normal to me (apart from the creepy grandfather...shudder!).

    In terms of guys finding you more attractive, I think maybe your new confidence is causing that. So many people have a hang up about looks being all important, and I think we can all accept that this is a bad assumption. Confidence, and just being an interesting and fun person to be around makes all the difference.

    Have you heard of the concept of the "friend zone"?

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...he-friend-zone-friend-girlfriend-or-boyfriend

    It could be that you really are meeting the right sort of people, but you need to decide if you'd like to change the nature of your relationship with them.

    BTW - great to hear you're feeling more confident and happy.
     
  3. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

    Hi Stanley,

    Thanks for your reply ^^

    It helped me to read that it's not uncommon to be in my situation. It did freak me out but thankfully I have great friends, who helped me deal with some of it (the old grandpa is still a source for bad dreams though) by talking about playing some practical jokes on some of the admirers. The friend who suggested that and made me laugh is a really nice and admittedly cute and somewhat handsome guy. We've been really good friends since we met and have been doing lots if things together like studying math together and going to events.
    He's been very attentive and acting very much like a boyfriend would at some times towards me but I'm still too shy to even try making it a more intimate relationship. Plus he is really confusing me by switching back and forth between the way he acts towards me. Oftentimes I think my head is spinning out of control by the way I try to figure him out. I do like him a lot too but I just don't know how to go about it all. It's just that I wouldn't mind us going further but I'm not sure if he's into me that way too. He does show signs sometimes, it's just that he confuses me too by pulling back subtly if I try to find out about his feelings through indirect questions or sentences. I haven't heard of the "friend zone" before you suggested it and I think our problem is kind of like who wants to make the first move. It was a good read though and I'll consider reading more of the topics shown.
    Thank you again for replying.

    Sweetling

    P.S. I think I repeated myself a lot but I didn't have the time to read it all over again. Please don't think I'm a nutcase because there are so many repetitions. And I know I'm not that good with describing my situation in this case.
     
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Internet creeps are a pretty common phenomenon. There are a few qualities a person can have that particularly attract creeps:
    1) female (men are encouraged to think that women owe them something and don't have their own views and desires that are just as valid as men's)
    2) young (young people are generally more physically attractive than older people, plus they're more likely to be insecure and inexperienced, which makes them easier to aggress against)
    3) inexperienced (inexperienced people are easier to aggress against because they don't always understand social rules well enough to realize when they're being taken advantage of, and they are less confident about asserting their rights)
    4) submissive (subs often think they are supposed to take whatever someone chooses to do to them).

    So, if you fall into all four of these categories, you're going to be a creep magnet until you learn how to protect yourself and fend off creeps. Mostly this means learning to remedy point 3, because once you understand some of the rules and develop the confidence to assert yourself, you'll know how to recognize problems sooner and how to address them.

    I have less problems with creeps and assholes than you do--I'm older, male, dom, and more experienced, but I still run into guys who creep me out in various ways--they won't stop sending me messages, they demand my attention, they keep asking me to change my decision when I say no, they keep looking at my profile pics, they fall well outside the standards I ask for but beg to play anyway, and so on. Occasionally, when I turn one down, he gets nasty and sends me insulting emails. So everyone who's online gets these guys.

    I would suggest reading through the FAQ--there is some material there to help subs figure out what their basic rights are and how to recognize that a prospective dom might be a problem. Remember that submitting is entirely voluntary; no one has a right to demand that you submit to them (unless you've agreed to give a dom that right), and they sure don't have that right before they've demonstrated that they're sane, safe, and will respect your right to say no when you need to. When chatting with a prospective dom (or really, anybody at all) online, it's ok to assert your right to be treated respectfully and to set limits about how much you disclose or how far your conversation goes. So don't be afraid to tell a guy that he's made you uncomfortable. Intelligent doms will respect that, and the ones who won't are either problems or inexperienced. A lot of the guys who present themselves as doms online are only exploring a fantasy and have never actually successfully been dominant with a willing partner; some of them are just assholes, while others haven't figured out what they're doing wrong.

    Most websites have options to block creeps, so don't be afraid to use the block function. I typically give guys two chances. I'll politely tell them I'm not interested, and I'll repeat that if they ignore it. Then I block them if they don't stop.

    I assume that you're using basic precautions for online dating--don't post or send fully-nude or explicit photos of yourself (my rule is my naked body and my face never appear in the same pic, and explicit pics are kept private). Get yourself a free gmail or yahoo email that can't be used to identify you (don't use your real name or your work email or whatever). Don't give out your phone number or your last name until you feel comfortable with someone; you might consider using a fake first name until you feel comfortable (all of my online accounts use 'Sebastian' or 'Sebastianb', and I just let them use that until I feel ok giving them my birth name). And when you meet for the first time, do it in a public place like a coffeeshop or a well-frequented park.

    When you set a clear limit, don't be surprised if the guy responds poorly. He might tell you you're not a real sub, or that you're a 'bitch' (horror of horrors!). But that's bullshit. A real sub stands up for herself except with people she's agreed to submit to (and occasionally even then), and being a bitch isn't a bad thing. The guys who say shit like that are mostly misogynists you don't want to get to know, so consider yourself lucky when they show their true colors so quickly.

    Also, realize that it takes a long time to find a good partner for BDSM. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince of Darkness. The first few weeks I was online, I couldn't even get anyone to pay attention to me (that thing I mentioned about being a little older…) So it's normal to take a while, and you're batting about average, I'd say. It took me three years to find my currently slave, and in some ways I got lucky. I played with a pretty good number of guys before that happened, so I wasn't missing out on sex, but most of the guys I played with just weren't what I was looking for in terms of a long-term partner. So don't get discouraged. These thins just take time.

    Hopefully Smallest will jump into this thread. She's a femsub, but I've seen her do an amazing job of shooting down creeps on Fetlife. So she probably have some good tips for you.
     
  5. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

    Hi Sebastian,

    Your answer was appreciated but I wasn't really referring to creeps online, since I do know how to fend them off if they are too creepy and persistent. My problem is more with the real world outside where I seem to attract creepy guys like a magnet but not only creepy and very straightforward but also very persistent. I still appreciate your very long and detailed answer though. In fact I've been following a lot of your posts here because I think they are very useful and helpful. My problem right now is that I know that people can't really hurt me if we just meet only but I'm scared a whole lot different way if I meet random people on the street and they are that creepy and demanding. Don't understand me wrong, I still say firmly no if they creep me out but it's a whole lot of stress if they are kind of stalkerish and I don't know how to avoid them.

    Sweetling

    P.S now you've made me curious about smallest tips against creeps. I really do hope for her to respond now and thanks again
     
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  6. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Smallest's Tips! Recommended by the Sebastian.

    In response to your thread title, it's because you're an awesome and good-lookin' lady.

    First off, this is great and you should use it. Develop that confidence into turning people down and feeling assured when someone is creeping you out. I know that sounds like I'm simplifying it and it probably is harder than that, but being firm and standing tall is one of the best defences. Even before approaching you, they should see that you have the air of someone that doesn't take shit.

    Was this happening in public or private? I'm going to give you advice even though it's over.

    In public, the best thing you can do is make a scene. "Get your hands off me! Pervert!" especially if there are parents, police, or protective-looking grandmas nearby. Yelling 'police!' can't hurt either.

    You (and most young women) have probably heard that predators don't want you to make a scene, but that isn't why I'm bringing this up. Clearly, he wasn't just a one-off guy on the bus trying to expose himself, so we can't use the logic for that. However, drawing attention pretty much automatically gets you a protective bubble- no one wants you to be assaulted, and especially in the case of an older or stronger gentleman than you, they are not going to assume you're joking (they won't if he's smaller and younger either, but they might assess him as less of a threat).

    If it was in private (and hadn't thankfully ended already), I'd say to start by making it clear you don't want him (as you already did). Being loud still helps, as it is jarring and harder to take as hard-to-get. Threaten to tell his wife, and if he continues, do. The same with the police. Say it, and as soon as you're out, do it. Like I said before, stand tall and be firm. Since he did not, I am assuming he wouldn't try to pin you down and attack you, so get out of there. If he did try to trap you, just fight as hard as you can.

    In private or public, since this was repeated, I wish you had told the police. You could and should have if it were a one-off thing as well, but the repetition and fact that he was married mean you probably knew who he was. They can be scary and some can be jerks to women reporting assault, but most of them really want to help you, and doing it can get you an advocate, help in line for in case he tries again, a record for him, or a restraining order. Even if you could stop him on your own, those are what will really show him that his behaviour was not okay.

    My post was too long for the forum, so I'll just put the break here.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2013
  7. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Avoid getting alone with them, for starters. It isn't your fault if it happens somehow, but do what you can. Make it ridiculously clear that you don't want them and aren't theirs- "Look, I DO NOT like you, you are creepy, and you have zero claim on me. Leave me the fuck alone." If this is in a bar or club, alert the bouncer. Fetish clubs tend to be especially angry about harassment. Try not to show if you are scared to them, because if they are predators (they may just be socially awkward jerks), they will like feeling like they can scare you.

    Walk away when you see them. Hang out with your nicer buddies so you have some protection. As with before, don't be afraid to make a scene if they start really creeping on you. If you're out in public, day or night, and they are following you, go to a restaurant and store, and if possible let them know someone's following you and creeping you out. Even if they don't kick them out, the other patrons and staff will be there, so they can't do anything. If you're really worried, go to a hospital or police station.

    It happens to everyone, and it's a bit of a confirmation bias. You notice the forward assholes more than you notice someone who says hi and gets your name, then leaves you alone. They also make you less likely to notice the nice guy who is also around, giving you a friendly look.

    And if you like your buddies as buddies, that's great. They'll be good friends, and most decent guys are friends with other decent guys, and you will meet someone eventually. Keep your eye out.

    If you want to go out with one of them, just ask. If he says no, you can still be friends. If he says yes, you're already friends who get along great and communicate, you should be able to make a great relationship, and even if it ends, keep that.

    a) I might have some resources to help with bad dreams, and will either post them or pm you when I dig them up or do a better job of typing them
    b) It is awesome that the jokes made you feel better, but although you should feel better, don't let a 'revenge' like that make you feel like their actions are less severe.

    As above, ask. If he asks first, great, but especially due to all your unwanted attention lately, he probably is worried that he'll make you uncomfortable, lose you as a friend, or end up being one of those guys in your eyes. The worst he can say is no.

    Also, though I love you Stanley, both of you be careful with the friend zone thing. Although in this case it makes some sense, most women consider it crap and most guys who believe in it use it in abusive ways (funnily, as almost all of them consider themselves 'nice guys'). They tend to believe that 'friend zone' is a bad thing, and you 'put them there,' so they must overcome it to date you, rather than acknowledging that being friends with you is great and though dating you would also be great it's not your fault that you aren't interested in him. They also tend to get angry about not having their long-term friendship with a woman 'move to the next level,' and think friendship is a lead up to dating, otherwise you're stringing them along.

    Likewise, I'd read up on 'Nice guys' (in short, guys who are all "why does no one date me I'm such a nice guy!" even though actually they just think they're better than other guys because they are the bare minimum of non-abusive and, like the friendzone people, get pissed off when girls don't give them what they want).

    Your guy sounds actually nice and the friendzone thing sort of applies since you're friends and don't know how to ask each other out. The above information is just some extra background since you've been dealing with assholes enough lately.

    Again, stay firm and strong, enlist the help of those around you, and don't be afraid to be loud or alert the authorities. They need to be properly told off, and sometimes even a firm rejection doesn't do that.

    I can't remember if you have me on Fetlife (Smallest there as well), but you can see many online examples there. There is a (admittedly somewhat obnoxious) group called Return to Sender, if you've not heard of it, that is made up of women's responses to creeps, mostly online. I do not suggest you use that group as a reference. It just happens to be where I have my posts.

    My main things when dealing with creeps (many of which are broken by RTS members, which is why I don't suggest it as a reference. Entertainment, yes.)
    a) As soon as you are creeped out, say "no" and do whatever you can to end the interaction (online I break this rule occasionally, since it's less dangerous). Don't pussyfoot around it, don't go 'well maybe that was a slip of tongue.' Just stop.

    b) Don't make a game of it. Don't 'tease' (eg Guy: "[something creepy]", you: "wouldn't you like to know hehe"), don't be sarcastic, don't have some clever quip. Just be clear and firm. Despite me saying 'don't tease,' don't let ANYONE tell you you were "being a tease" even if you have said something like that.

    c) If it is in a kink context, do what you can to tell them off without feeding into a humiliation or making-girls-scared fetish. Although it obviously shouldn't, it encourages them. "Piss off, I don't like you," is one phrase that doesn't feed either. As before, be ready to notify bouncers (or dungeon masters), and to make it loud and clear to those around you that if they do something that looks kinky in violation of you that it is not play. As you have obviously seen here, kinky people are angry when consent is violated.

    d) As Sebastian said, do not let people try and say you're not a "true sub" or anything. They obviously know nothing about the lifestyle, and don't belong wherever they are. If they keep being an ass/creep, follow the other advice.

    Aww, I didn't know you noticed! :blush:
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2013
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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    So I'm 'the Sebastian' now? Am I officially an institution?

    I concur whole-hearted with all Smallest's tips. Especially her point about not treating it as a game. That makes it seem like you're flirting, and you want to be unambiguously clear about what you want. If someone harasses you at a kink party, you can try saying "I do NOT consent to what you're doing!" That ought to make clear to the other person (and people around you) that you're not being coy or doing the submissive 'no means yes' thing.

    And her point about confirmation bias is important too. You're noticing the examples that fit into your idea that only problem guys hit on you, because when you get hit on in a positive way (like by a guy you find attractive), you like it and don't factor it into your notion that only problem guys hit on you. It's sort of like thinking, "every check-out line I get into slows down". So unless you really think you're getting harassed way more than most young women, it's likely that you're just noticing the unpleasant attention more than the pleasant attention.
     
  9. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

    Smallest,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for the really long reply. I think I needed to hear all that since I've been told that I'm too nice and timid for my own good sometimes. After reading through your response I've realized that I did egg some of them on at some point although I really didn't mean to. It's just that do many thoughts run through your mind and I just panic. Right now I'm trying to go with a group of friends if I need to go near one of those places the guys hang out at and I'll just look really busy.

    I guess I have to learn to be more forceful about saying no is no and actually come off as a strong and confident woman. It's just hard seeing me as that confident woman since I'm so small compared to them. Anyway, I'm just happy it's not too often and that I have great friends who cheer me up.

    Oh, and it would be great of you if you could share your resources about bad dreams with me smallest.

    I didn't go with playing a prank on one of m admirers since I didn't want to drag my friends into it and possibly make him angry.
    I'm not sure if I should follow all the advice on the friend zone thing anyway because I don't feel quite ready yet after the scares I had. But thank you all again for responding.
    Sweetling
     
  10. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Although this is mostly what I was talking about when I said to just go with a firm no (and if you didn't mean to, it wasn't your fault, so don't worry about having 'egged them on' in the past, just be careful in the future)- the other thing is that if rather than just rejecting them, you have a witty quip or make a joke or something, you have a higher risk of pissing them off. If these are already weird and rather unstable guys this could be a dangerous situation to get into.
     
  11. The Friend Zone article isn't really meant to be a recipe to follow exactly, because we're talking about human feelings and interaction here, and that contains a huge element of randomness.

    At the end of the day it's really about you having confidence in yourself, and trusting your judgment about these guys you're meeting.

    There's been the usual great advice from Smallest and Sebastian, and I know you've read through it carefully.

    You may find that sometimes you just need to take a chance on somebody. We can never be 100% sure.

    My assumption about the Friend Zone advice was that, by reevaluating your relationship with somebody you know well already at least you have something to go on if you decide to take a risk.

    The only other piece of advice I'd give is don't settle for something less than you want. You're worth so much more than that.

    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
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