when to actually use the safe word?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by JettOnly, Oct 8, 2011.

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  1. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Ok I know this sounds basic, the standard answer is 'when it gets too much'
    But how do we actually know when is too much?

    I have always been a pain chicken
    No tattoos, ears peirced once

    But mentally I am very stubborn

    So of course I am aware some of this stuff is supposed to hurt, and more than possibly hurt a lot so being in pain is not a reason to stop things

    But I also rationalise that humans have been able to bear limbs being blown off and stuff so what I'm feeling is tame

    So I'm at a point where I'm writhing around wimpering and wailing, unable to think of anything other than making it go away, trying to bite myself to move pain somewhere else, trying not to puke
    I ask to stop ( not safeword)
    And I'm told 30 min
    So I choke it down, and manage my 30 min

    Get a nice sense of acheivment and a 30s high

    Then a little act causes me to crash into a crushing low which I know will make me less mentally strong to deal like this again
    Is this normal? Bad luck, or am I supposed to stop sooner?
  2. Knots

    Knots Member

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    How experienced are you? Has this happened multiple times, or just once?

    Part of playing responsibly is knowing your limits. There comes a point where it should not continue, due to it being too much for you mentally or physically. Really, "when to safeword" is entirely up to you, you need to make that decision for yourself based on what you know you can handle.
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2011
  3. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    I'm not experience at all, pretty much first time at any pain play
  4. Knots

    Knots Member

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    Two points:

    1. You should probably "play safe" for a little while; perhaps adopt the green (everything is super cool down here!) - yellow (starting to approach my limits, honey...) - red (stop! OH GOD PLEASE STOP!) system. I can't say whether you safeworded too late, as I'm not you; you really need to make decisions based on what you personally think you can cope with.

    2. Though this goes for all BDSM, particularly heavier sessions, the first few times can be pretty intensely emotional afterwards for everyone; this is why aftercare is imortant.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Knots is basically right. If you're new to play, err on the side of caution and safeword when you feel that you want to stop, even if you think you might be able to go further. How's this for a starting limit: when you stop enjoying what's happening, call red. As a novice, it's ok to not take everything the dom wants to dish out. After you're done, have a chat with the dom about what you enjoyed and what you didn't enjoy, what you want more of and what you want less of. The next time you play, push yourself a little further, but still don't try to endure everything.

    The danger here is that you don't know how you will react long-term to the torture (and by long-term, I mean anything after the play session). The depression you experienced after the session is known as 'subdrop' and it's fairly common after intense pain play. The high you experienced during the session is caused by endorphins released by your body to manage the pain. As the endorphins dissipate, the high goes away and is often followed by a crash, which is caused by the fact that your body was using a lot of resources to manage the pain. You're physically and emotionally exhausted. A good dom checks in with a boy the day after an intense session, to make sure that the sub is doing ok and doesn't need emotional support.

    Having said that, enduring half a hour past where you think you wanted to stop sounds like good endurance for a new sub.
  6. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Thankyou both, that makes a whole lot of sense.
    I guess I was sort of thinking a safeword is admiting defeat but it is much easier if I think of it as setting a limit for me to push the next time
    I had actually never even considered what was going to happen afterwards, it is actually interesting how your mind and body reacts to things
    Again Thankyou both, it is has really helped me set things right in my head
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Here's another reason not to push. Picture this scenario: You're determined to not safeword, because you want to make your dom proud or because you want your dom to enjoy him/herself to the utmost. So you let yourself be flogged (or whatever the play is) until the dom stops, even though you are struggling. The next day you realize that you're badly bruised (or burned from hot wax or whatever) and need to see a doctor to make sure you're ok. Your dom starts to feel guilty; s/he think s/he should have recognized the signs that s/he was pushing too far. S/he starts to doubt her skills and begins to really hold back out of fear of injuring you. The end result is that you've undermined your dom's confidence and enjoyment of pain play, which means that you're no longer getting the treatment you enjoy.

    Good doms pride themselves on not harming their subs; doing so unintentionally can be very upsetting to a dom. The safeword isn't just to protect you; it's also to help the dom figure out how far s/he can safely go.
  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    It's definitely not admitting defeat, it's making sure no real harm comes to you, physical or psychological (the second of which might affect your dom as well, as sebastian said).

    Now I'm all worried, not safewording's scary. I don't often, but knowing I can without pressure is something I need.
  9. ickle_cat

    ickle_cat New Member

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    i just wanted to pick up on one other thing you said, it seems you're sorted about how to use your safewords but i saw that you said you sometimes have an act done that suddenly snaps you into a low.

    i don't think this is really really normal but i do get it myself. normally it's just a building of intensity that gets past my limits then all i want to do is curl up and cuddle. we're trying to push past this but i'm just letting you know you're not alone with this one.

  10. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    I missed that part of the post, but ickle cat, you're right. It happens to Doms as well, besides.
  11. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Thankyou guys, it all helps alot
    It is nice to not be alone :)
    I think the difficult thing was we cant see each other for a while so were playing online - I was doing what he told me too, so really I was just silly cos no way at all did he know what level things were hurting
    and I guess I got more down cos I was totaly alone

    But it is much easier to deal with something if you understand what it is :)
  12. Aibo

    Aibo Member

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    @Jett_only: No using a safeword is not 'admitting defeat' at least in real play it is something a real dominant rather encourage. If a slave have a mental breakdown, or get physically hurt. It will not be able to serve master fully anyhow. So you are not a bad slave for using it - you're rather a bad slave for NOT using the safeword.

    @ickle_cat: My ex could suddenly 'curl up' and go cat-atonic. There were no way around it like talking or whatever. Only to give her time and she got back, but it were a very long landing in her case.

    @smallest: Yes it is sometimes called to 'crash out' of the session.
    And yes, it can happen to dominants / 'masters' also, during slave torture we often get into a feeling of wellbeing where we run on automatic. Before all this have be come routine, it happens that suddenly the subconscious starts yelling at us and we snap out of it all with a 'WTF am I doning?' kind of things. As bad a cold shower. Haven't happened in recent years, but I do remember some sessions getting spoiled completely that way.
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