When people just don't get it

Nairbrother · Oct 13, 2012

So today I had to break up with a gal. She really did not 'get' my lifestyle choice as a submissive male. Hmmm, D/s is strange therefore Nairbrother is strange.

I tried my best to explain it to her about it's not about sex(she kept thinking it was about sex), that I am fulfilled when a woman bosses me around.

She was raised and grew up men running all over her and hurting her, so when I offered for her to take control of the relationship, she said I was a freak and there is no way she would do that and why would I want to serve her?

There was a huge blowout and we broke up, for the better I believe.

What do you do when you have a completely vanilla partner who won't even try nor think about D/s relationships?

Smallest · Oct 13, 2012

There are suggestions for it in the newcomers FAQ (written for fsubs with vanilla boyfriends, but that's basically the same as you want with genders switched), but the big thing is just talk it out, keep things open, show your research and specific interests so they don't make assumptions, and try your best to make it non threatening.

I think that, from what you've said, you did very well, but your girl just was not at all receptive. That's not a bad thing about her necessarily, but it means that there'd just be no chance in her mind for a BDSM relationship.

Another option would be to specifically look for someone kinky to date, but it narrows the dating pool because even though lots of "vanilla" people are receptive to kink, or are already somewhat into it, that doesn't mean they would attend munches or use fetlife/collarme/smplace/whatever.

sebastian · Oct 13, 2012

Yeah, I think from what you've said that you and she are simply incompatible on the issue of power exchange. It sounds like she has some fairly serious issues in her past that mean that she's not likely to ever be comfortable with BDSM. So the only alternative to breaking up would be for you to stuff your desire to be submissive down, which in the long run would probably make you unhappy.

Nairbrother · Oct 14, 2012

Thanks gents for your replies, it's encouraging.

Thank you for the welcome to the site, i'm on FetLife and Mistress Destiny's FemDom Forums as well.

Sebastian, I just couldn't stuff my submissive side down, it's who I am and she just wasn't having it. I would have been pretty unhappy probably right away because I've always been submissive to girls I've been with, and nearly all of them enjoyed it in one way or another.

I am hoping to have a BDSM relationship soon and hope it is fulfilling.

Thanks guys,

Nair

Knots · Oct 14, 2012

Shame when things don't work out, but it looks like breaking up was the right choice for you.

Lillith · Oct 18, 2012

If you aren't committed due to having a family, I would say the relationship is not worth holding onto. My husband is very vanilla and is repulsed by my ideas and I am quite a 'lightweight' in the kink department. Because of this, we rarely have sex and I have had other sex partners.

I totally understand what you mean about it not being about sex and more of a fulfillment.

It's kind of irritating to be viewed as a sex creep. I suggest finding a full time partner that you can support you in this way one way or another. Either by supporting you as you explore it with others or by exploring it with you. Otherwise, you will be rejecting a part of yourself.

Nairbrother · Oct 19, 2012

I agree with Lillith. I don't have children and haven't even been married (i'm 24 btw). Yes, she was repulsed by that idea.

It is very irritating to be viewed as a pervert. I try to be discrete and keep it in the closet if I can.
I can't put my submissive side/fetishes away, it's who i am. I might as well become asexual if I do that.

I extend my thanks to all who replied and gave a voice of support. It means a lot to me and I really appreciate it.

-Nair

sebastian · Oct 19, 2012

Keep in mind that how you present your kinky desires to a vanilla partner can make a big difference. I discuss this in the Newcomer's FAQ. Vanilla people often know nothing about BDSM except what they see in the media, which is very negative. And BDSM is paradoxical; sub desires are essentially the opposite of what vanilla people want, and dom desires can seem very harsh. So vanilla people have trouble understanding what a kinky partner is interested in. So rather than just saying "I want you to spank me", it's probably better to approach it through the locus of control--"I want you to tell me what you want me to do. I want to focus on giving you pleasure, because when you're pleased, it makes me really happy." Explain that you want to give them the right to ask you for whatever form of sexual pleasure interest them, whenever they want it. That's dom lite. Once they've gotten used to taking control, expressing their desires and getting them met, talk to them about trying other forms of dominance, like spanking.

The essential problem is that kinky people understand why kink is hot, and they often, though not always, realize how kink is different from abuse. But vanilla people don't understand that. So you need to help them see inside your desire, help them separate kink from abuse, and help them recognize that harsh play like spanking, verbal abuse, bondage and so on are not about expressing hatred toward a partner (which is how a vanilla person will tend to understand it) but rather about expressing love in a non-traditional way.

Nairbrother · Oct 19, 2012

Sebastian,

I had read the FAQ and a lot of other articles on introducing BDSM to a relationship and I followed that exact advice. Tried very hard to focus the conversation on HER satisfaction, HER feelings, HER control, not me and it still failed miserably. She just does not want ANYTHING to do with it.

sebastian · Oct 19, 2012

Some people are just not kinky. It's not their fault; they just aren't wired to understand the contradictions of kink. And no amount of explaining will help them get it.

When people just don't get it

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