What happens when a dom really betrays a sub?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by garbageslut, Mar 3, 2012.

  1. garbageslut

    garbageslut New Member

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    As is known the d's relationship is built heavily on trust and control. How do you move on when there's a great breach of trust in the relationship? I'm asking more from the point of view where the dom and sub are in an actual relationship... my dom recently broke a rule he thought would be in our best interests but, in fact, has shaken us some. His intentions were pure but the actions were a bit much for me to handle and I was wondering what kind of advice there may be. Either for rebuilding trust or just moving on in general :)
  2. Strict

    Strict New Member

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    Start by talking it over, I'd say. Nobody is perfect, neither sub nor Dom. Even if we Doms don't like to hear that :D Mistakes happen. What counts, in my opinion, is that the intentions were not malicious. So I suppose it's not beyond repair, if it doesn't happen again and again.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Talk with him. Then talk some more. And when you've figured things out, have another talk. Seriously, communication should be the first thing you do when you run into problems. But it sounds like you're doing that, so what do you do after that?

    Well, as Strict said, you need to remember that doms aren't perfect. We can't be. So accept as given that he's going to make mistakes occasionally, just as you are. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take them seriously, but unless the mistake is an absolute deal-breaker, I'd say look for ways to forgive him.

    You know why he did it, and you know his motives were basically good. So the challenge is to figure out what caused the mistake. Some mistakes arise because of bad communication (he thought you were ready to have a limit pushed, or he misunderstood what you would enjoy), so then figure out how to communicate better. Some limits arise out of sloppiness (he didn't understand the safety techniques for wax play or something like that); this would mean he needs better education. So figure out what lay underneath the mistake and work on fixing that.

    You also need to rebuild trust. That mostly takes time. I'd say pull back a bit on your power exchange for a while so you can learn to trust him again. For example, let's say he thought you were ready for him to bring a third person in to your play, and that freaked you out. Pull back a little bit and agree that for the time being, you have to meet any potential third party. Or agree that you're going to safeword more often when you feel nervous. In other words, take back some of the control you've surrendered long enough for you to feel safe again, and then surrender that control again.

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