Virgin Submissive

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Aly29, Jun 14, 2011.

  1. Aly29

    Aly29 New Member

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    I have been interested in BDSM from the time I was 16. I am seeking an online Master right now, but I am unsure of what to say when I am asked what my hard limits are. I am a virgin and having never done anything sexual, it is hard to say exactly what my hard limits are. What would be the best way of exploring my limits without a Master? Is there any advice you can suggest as a current Master or submissive?
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    It's hard to really explore BDSM without a partner of some sort. A submissive can't really submit to herself. Doms and subs require each other--it's sort of like the yin-yang symbol that way. You might be able to do a little bit of pain play on your own--like putting clothespins on your tits or your pussy and seeing how much the pain arouses you--but in general there's not a lot you can really learn on your own.

    You can make contact with a prospective master on this site's personals forum, or through a site like Collarme or Fetlife ( is another option, but it's a money sink). Just explain that you're new, you're a virgin, and you want to explore at a gentle pace. Any good dom will understand and not push you too hard too fast.

    Hard limits are things you know that you don't want to do at this point. Soft limits are things you're very nervous about but might be willing to do with a master you trust. So think about some of the things you see talked about on the fora here and decide which ones excite you and which ones scare you too much. Making something a hard limit now doesn't mean it will be a hard limit forever. As you explore and grow, you will probably find that some things that scare or disgust you now will excite you in a few years. For example, my slave was initially very resistant to being pissed on. He agreed to try it, and had a very negative reaction to it--it made him feel nauseous and disgusted with himself. But he agreed to let me piss on him as a gesture of dominance (he was doing something he didn't want to do). Gradually, he's started to remind me that I need to piss on him, and is coming to view it as a powerful ritual of ownership. He says he will only let me piss on him. I suspect that eventually he's going to ask for another master to piss on him, but that's just a guess.

    So think about some of the various forms of play I mention in my 4 Spheres of BDSM post in the FAQ and decide which ones interest or repel you.
    Would you like to:
    be tied up so you can move a little?
    be tied up so you can't move at all?
    be gagged?
    be blindfolded?
    be tied up, gagged, and blindfolded?
    have your tits tortured?
    have your pussy tortured?
    be spanked?
    pricked with needles?
    have hot wax poured on you?
    be required to perform fellatio on command?
    be required to perform oral sex on your master's friends?
    be kept naked?
    be kept naked around your master's friends?
    be required to have sex as others watch?
    be penetrated anally?
    be penetrated vaginally?
    be penetrated by your master's friends?
    have someone piss on you?
    be forced to drink piss?
    have obscenities written on you?
    be insulted?
    be insulted while others watch?
    be laughed at?
    be kept in cage for hours?
    be chained to a wall?
    be forced to clean house naked?
    be forced to act like a dog?
    be used as a footstool?
    be cut with razors and bled lightly?
    be pierced with needles?
    be branded?
    be scarred?

    Some of what I've listed here is fairly tame, some of it is quite extreme. Some of it requires enormous trust; some of it requires you to trust a master that his friends are safe. There's much on this list that I would never do, or would only do with someone I had known long enough to really trust. Some it I will do to my subs but not submit to myself. So don't assume you have to want all of these things or that you have to agree to do them. It's perfectly ok to decide that you are certain you don't ever want someone to use needles or scarring tools on you (or whatever). Or you could decide that you're willing to explore needles (temporary piercings), but only after your master has shown you that he has experience doing it safely, or only after your master has you that he's trustworthy through months of play.
  3. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    As well as everything Sebastian said, you could perhaps ask them to provide an example of what they want to do (no details of play, but things like 'flogging, breast bondage, and watersports' or whatever), so you'd have a chance to say that although you were interested, you're not okay with whatever.

    An idea would be to give them an idea of your hard limits, ask about some things like this, and set any further guidelines from there if you're both still interested.
  4. lonelyMaster

    lonelyMaster New Member

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    I would also suggest looking for a master who has much experience and/or interest in a novice, virgin sub. He may have more patience and a better understanding of what it's like for a sub to discover herself through this growing process. Many masters may lack these traits.

    Just my 2 cents :)
  5. Aly29

    Aly29 New Member

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    Thank you everyone for such detailed responses, especially sebastian. Your guidance has helped me greatly I think I have found 2 potential Masters with the patience for the explorations you've all spoken of. I only hope I can provide a better answer to what my limits are for them. Thank you
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Lonely, you're right. It's much easier to explore when one of the two people has some real idea what they're doing.

    Aly: Stick around and keep us updated on your progress!
  7. kajmir

    kajmir Member

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    be required to perform fellatio on command?

    -Feels Ignorant-

    I think I know....but in english please?
  8. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    A fancy way of saying that you don't mind being told when and where to give a blow job kajmir
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Fellatio= cock sucking. Cunnilingus=pussy licking. Analingus=rimming/ass licking.

    Ok, kids, that concludes today's class on sexual terminology. Don't forget to practice your homework.
  10. MainMan

    MainMan New Member

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    Oh wow, I just had the great idea of classically conditioning a sub to perform fellatio at the sound of a specific bell ringing. The idea of having a sub salivate from hearing this bell and wanting to suck a cock at that very moment out of nowhere sounds like a blast!
    Pavlov would be very proud of the idea, I'm sure.
  11. ickle_cat

    ickle_cat New Member

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    hey, i just thought i'd add to this since i'm a sub and also a virgin :) i'm at that happy stage of still quite new so i remember how i started but into it enough to talk to other people and give advice.

    i think one thing you should have a think about is why you're a virgin. if it's just because you haven't had any offers (unlikely, you're very pretty), because you haven't found the right guy or because you're wanting to wait for moral reasons.

    for me, i'm a virgin because i'm a christian and i've made the choice to wait until my wedding night. for that reason, i've told my Dom that i won't have anal or vaginal penetration unless we get married, so that's a hard limit for me.

    i had limits before in previous vanilla relationships that included not rubbing my pussy with his cock or asking/ begging for sex. i spoke to my Dom and he didn't push those limits but said he'd like me to become comfortable enough to do those things with him and over time i've introduced it more during play (e.g. with begging "what do you want?" "i want to have sex with you").

    as sebastian said, your hard limits don't have to remain hard.

    the best piece of advice i can give you is be totally and completely honest with whoever you want to play with. talk about what you're comfortable with or what you don't like. when i spoke to my dom i wasn't sure what i wanted so we try everything once then talk about my reactions to it, if i hate it we might try it again to see if i could like it but never have to.

    being completely honest about what you feel is so important for a d/s relationship. and if the question is "what do you want to try first?" and you don't know then that's a perfectly valid answer.

    as far as establishing your hard limits, you might only think of one or two things you really don't want to do, which is ok too. you can always add to your hard and soft limits later.

    hope this helps!
  12. Aly29

    Aly29 New Member

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    I am a virgin because I haven't had any offers. I have never been kissed or even on a date. It is embarrassing to admit this...but I suppose the best feedback comes from honesty. Is it difficult to be a submissive without sex? I mean as ickle_cat in person or as an online slave.
  13. ickle_cat

    ickle_cat New Member

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    it's a really great thing that you're embarrassed but still willing to say. as i said before. honesty is essential to a relationship especially a BDSM one. in the same way that you need to be honest with your doctor so they can treat you properly, you need to be honest with your Dom/Master so they know what you can and can't handle based on your experience.

    from what you've said, i don't think you're ready for sex yet. in any relationship, vanilla or otherwise, you'll really want to know the person you're with, especially for your first time. i'd advise you to meet the prospective Dom and really get to know them and start experiencing things slowly and then you'll know when your ready to have sex and you'll know if he's the right man to do it with.

    i believe you said you were 17? if i were you i'd spend as much time as possible researching online as you can and maybe meeting people for friendship and advice rather than as prospective play partners. i don't know how long it is until your birthday but if you're in the UK you'll be very restricted with what you can do until you're 18. play parties and clubs are generally for 18+ only and if you're in america then it may be over 21.

    the best thing you can do is go to munches. find one that's local, contact the person that runs it and make sure you can be there (my local munches are at pubs that may have an over 18/21 policy) and identify how you'll know who they are (my first munch the guy i spoke to wore a red leather jacket and they have a specific book on the table to identify them).

    as far as being a virgin and a sub/slave it's completely possible. ensure that you're clear that you are a virgin and aren't going to be ready for quite a while. something that is a little strange when you start out is that as a sub, you set the limits and control the pace. i have conversations all the time with my dom about this thing i read about that i want to try/absolutely hate the idea of/ saw on someone and wanted to know how it was done.

    i'm not sure what you're looking for entirely, if you want the relationship to be non-sexual or just not have intercourse.

    if you want it to be non-sexual domination of course that is possible. make that clear with anyone you meet or if you use any dating site then make it clear on your profile. if you're looking to be a slave then your pleasure will be in performing tasks for your master. these can be non-sexual (e.g. folding the laundry), semi-sexual (e.g. washing your master's feet/legs/hair/torso) or completely sexual (e.g. performing blowjobs on demand). the pleasure gained as a slave on these tasks will be that you are pleasing the man who you care for and recognition of that and rewards will also give you pleasure.

    i imagine that you don't want a completely non-sexual relationship though, so something that you can do is non-penetrative play. you can build up to different things and where you start is completely up to you. something that my dom is really interested in is bondage. the stuff we do is intricate and decorative and can be intense or mild as well as being restictive or not and it can be sexual but in itself isn't a sexual act. when we started i was being modest (more because i thought i should be than being shy) and the first time i was tied up i was put in a decorative knot that put a little pressure on various body parts (if you look up karada you'll find it) and changed as i moved. i did this in a shirt and pants but could've done this in leggins if i was more shy. we built up things that were more restraining such as a handcuff knot and did the same karada except tightening it to put more pressure on my breasts and labia to increase the sexual stimulation of it and more recently we've been combining it more with sexual play so i was fingered while my arms and legs were bound to create something very sexy and very restrained.

    if you think you might be into something like spanking, that can be built up too. you can be spanked through trousers, knickers, bare bottom, harder, softer, with floggers or paddles, on different body parts, etc. all these things can be built up slowly.

    if you're looking for online domination this is probably easier to remain a virgin and may be a more gentle introduction to the world of BDSM and sex. online you will most likely be set tasks to perform, such as wearing a skirt with no pants that day or being asked to play with yourself perhaps using a specific toy. as with an in-person relationship it's important to talk about what your limits are and your lack of experience so that your online dom/master can set realistic tasks for you to perform (saying you need to be naked all day isn't realistic if you have school/work that day). something you can do is have online domination with someone who is local to you and possibly move it to in-person domination. though be careful with this one as you feel like you know people online and can be careless if you've been talking to them online for a while, please be safe with this!

    so, the important things here are being communitive and honest about what you want/need/can handle and being safe. i'm sure you've been reading online about safety during play and i'm sure you know about being safe with meeting people online (always meet in public, let people know where you're going, when you're planning on being back etc.)

    i'm aware that i'm not on here all that often and really want to be able to help you as much as possible. i'd suggest that you make a fetlife account (i'm on there most days) it's free and kinda like a kinky facebook and then i can message you more often. add me on there with a message about who you are. my name is the same on there as it is on here.

    hope to hear all is well from you soon and please keep asking me specifics. if i know more about what you want then i can help you more and talk to you about all the strange things in BDSM and being a virgin sub. :) x
  14. naughtyslv1

    naughtyslv1 New Member

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    will facesitting and licking ass cause any trouble....?
  15. ickle_cat

    ickle_cat New Member

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    what do you mean by that?

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