Hi, I've decided to come on here anon for personal security reasons, not that I think anyone I know will find me here anyway but... it makes me feel better. Basically I've been struggling with feelings I don't understand and can't articulate for quite some time now, and since this seems like a mature and friendly community I will entrust you with my story, because I need some reassurance and perhaps advice also. Certain details may be changed or left out to protect my own privacy and the privacy of others. For starters I don't actually really know much about anything to do with bondage or the BDSM culture, except what I've had fed to me from movies and television which is not a very good picture. So I've always been a bit scared of it, being the naive geeky type of kid who was never exposed to very much of anything except what was within the four walls of my bedroom. I mean think about it take some socially deprived goody-goody type kid and imagine they accidentally somehow mistook "The Little Mermaid" tape for mum's hardcore bondage porn tape. That never happened to me but I was that type of kid, and when I got old enough to start seeing glimpses of this stuff I had no idea what it was, it just scared me. But I know one thing now - I was making a bigger deal out of it than need be, probably because when I was a kid I liked to tie myself up and do some strange self-bondage and masturbation. So seeing it when I got older really hit home, struck a nerve you could say. Especially when I saw everyone else's reactions - either squirms of disgust or mocking guffaws. I did not want to be on the receiving end of either reaction so I kept my mouth shut about my own fetish. I also forced down any dwelling on the subject, even when I indulged I tried not to think about it and tried to forget about it afterwards. Like it was dirty and I was dirty for giving these thoughts any time to blossom. There was a lot of self-loathing going on there. Just recently however something changed. I had kept this secret a secret for so long, while trying to avoid anything to do with bondage (like scenes in popular movies for example) that I'd developed a blind spot. I couldn't even look at this part of myself or think about it and it was like having a blockage in my mind. So I told my boyfriend in the most awkward manner possible (basically with a lot of stammering and a lot of wincing at the possible aftermath). He was sooo cool about it. I don't know why I worried. It was actually him who suggested I was treating it like it was a bigger deal than it really is. It's probably down to the whole childhood experience of it and avoidance of any info on it. That's why I'm here. I want to chat with a few folks here, perhaps learn a bit and dispel some prejudices I may have about it. It's talking about the subject that is starting to help me dislodge this stress in my mind and get my thoughts flowing more freely and clearly again. I'd just like it for it to not be a big deal any more. My boyfriend has helped, but he can only help so much because he really can't identify with how I feel. He's not into any of this stuff at all. I feel like I need to chat with someone else who does feel a similar way. So... hence this thread. If you read that wall-o-text, thanks for at least hearing me out, even if you don't reply. But I could really use some advice from a more mature woman (I'm in my early 20s). Oh, and I just want to say this: I really, really want to try a vac bed. Vac cube looks even better. How much I want to try a vac device cannot be described in mere words alone. But are they really no cheaper than $300? I mean ouch, that's two week's pay before tax deduction!