Vanilla husband with no interest in BDSM

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by VeryCurious, Sep 10, 2012.

  1. VeryCurious

    VeryCurious New Member

    Hello. I am new and as the title says have a vanilla husband whom I have tried to coax into what I need as gently to his ego as I can over the past year or so. He has tried the being rough sometimes and spanking once, but seems constantly surprised that it excites me. Most time he doesn't even bother to try to give me what I want. Nowadays he has no sexual interest at all. I am at loss and feel lonelier than ever. I have tried researching clubs/groups in the area with no dice. Any advice or direction would be appreciated.
    p.s. I am 43, been married for 22 years, am submissive that likes bondage and spanking.
     
  2. Roland

    Roland Member

    A year has passed with you doing this and he is still showing little to no interest, and in sex in general. It sounds like you are doing the right things from your end to let him know you have needs that need satisfying. There are a few possibilities for his reaction.

    1. He is just not into BDSM.

    2. He is afraid of hurting you and/or doesn't understand why a little pain or restraints turns you on.

    3. External factors are hampering his sex drive in general such as money issues, performance anxiety, impotence, etc.

    4. He is losing sexual interest in you or is cheating on you (sorry to say that but it is a possibility).

    First off let me tell you how sorry I am to hear you going through this. But what is your goal here? Are you giving up on him and looking elsewhere to have your erotic needs satisfied (as you said you were checking out local clubs/groups). Can you give us any ideas as to why his sex drive may have waned (was it sudden or gradual)?

    If you haven't read the newcomer's FAQ, please do so at http://www.smplace.com/forum/23598-newcomers-faq-read-before-posting.html

    How much have you communicated to him about BDSM and what the lifestyle entails? Have you watched any movies or read any books with him (my wife and I love the film, Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal).

    Give us so more info and hopefully we can help.
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Another possible issue is medical. Some middle aged men lose interest in sex due to a drop in testosterone. If he's not interested in sex at all, this may be a factor. He should consider getting his hormones tested--it's simple blood work. That won't address his lack of interest in being dominant, but reviving his sec drive may help him find some sexual aggressiveness.
     
  4. westpier

    westpier New Member

    Regarding this issue, I had experience of the reverse where my partner was vanilla but she let me spank her softly. But I didn't enjoy it as I didn't want to hurt her plus i found the 'soft' spanking frustrating.
     
  5. DreamInTheDark

    DreamInTheDark New Member

    Hi,

    I think you should consider the fact that he might feel really insecure. You guys have been together for a long time and I wouldn’t blame him if he feels like he has never been able to fully satisfy you and give you what you need. As for his missing sexual interest… I can only imagine how difficult it might be to dom if you deep down feel insecure. Sometimes the fear of doing something wrong causes people to do nothing at all, then at least they won’t do anything wrong. I hope you’ll find what you need.

    DreamInTheDark
     

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