Unwritten rules

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Sally, Jan 2, 2012.

  1. Sally

    Sally Member

    i was at a BDSM gathering not too long ago, there were several couples there and i was with my Master. There was a discussion between two of the Dominant on a case i had an advice. i said what I meant, but soon noticed that this was not appropriate to say. i'm new to BDSM, so there are many unwritten rules. so you Dominant out there, what is okay for someone else's sub to do at a meeting and what is really not acceptable?
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    You're not everyone's submissive; as long as you're respectful and your dom is letting you speak, you can say what you want. If you're uncomfortable, say it through your dom.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yeah, I would tend to agree with Smallest. Unless your club has specific rules about subs not speaking or only speaking to certain people or at certain times, there shouldn't be an issue. Some doms do have ideas that subs should not speak to them unless invited to, but personally I think it's appropriate for a sub to politely address a dom. But I suppose there might be some variation on this stuff--I don't have a ton of experience with clubs.
  4. Sally

    Sally Member

    thank you so much!
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I think another thing that might be relevant here is whether a particular dom views subs as inherently inferior or not. Some doms assert that all subs are inherently inferior to all doms and must therefore treat all doms with respect and deference at all times. Other BDSMers (myself included) think that subs and doms are equal until a particular sub agrees to submit to a particular dom, at which point the sub becomes inferior.

    If you think all subs are inferior to all doms, it stands to reason that subs should be, at a minimum, extremely circumspect at a munch. If you think that subs are only inferior on a case-by-case basis, then subs have equal rights to doms at meetings, except where the terms of their submission to a specific dom are relevant.
  6. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    On sebby's first post, there's often a rule that you're NOT everyone's dom or sub, and though subs should be respectful to everyone of course, they don't have to do what another dom says, or submit to them if they don't want to.

    On his second post, I think it has more to do with the second part- whether you view subs as inferior. Without being told, you don't know if the dom thinks that. But even if you do, you can speak through your master, or be very contrite, or so on.
  7. Don_of_Iniquity

    Don_of_Iniquity New Member

    Ask your Dom's permission to speak.
  8. Sally

    Sally Member

    it is a very good idea, think i'll ask him from now on.

    It is so nice that you say that i did not do anything particularly wrong, the episode made ​​me not want to go back. i know my Master likes to be there, and i liked the people there, but i felt so stupid. thanks to you i can go back with a smile, thank you so much!
  9. Andre

    Andre New Member

    It could also depend on the conversation. As in, were they speaking in general or were you butting in to something that was really just between them even though you were of course standing right there, know what I mean?

    So, was the conversation something like this:

    A- Wow, we're having great weather, isn't it nice out? I heard it was going to rain tomorrow though.

    B- Really, I didn't hear that.

    You- Channel 5 is reporting snow.

    OR, was it more like this:

    A- So, B, what do you think of the weather tomorrow?

    YOU- I heard Channel 5 is reporting snow.

    See the difference?
  10. Sally

    Sally Member

    yes it can be. they talked about the Temperature the wine, and how to make it cool, and I came with my opinion. one said they would do it this way, the other on another and I suggested something in the middle.

  11. I've been nervous about the idea of attending any sort of club... I always get afraid the other people are going to be either way more into it than I am, or there will be some creepers hanging about.

    Let me clarify that I don't think people who practice BDSM are creepers, I just think it's common for creepers to be in any sort of club or gathering. The fact that the subject matter is taboo only adds to my fear of creeps.
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2012
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Sally, if you get the impression that you've violated a rule of the club you're at, I think the thing to do would be to apologize and ask for an explanation of the rule so that you don't violate it again. Explain that you're new to the scene or the club, and had no intention of violating a rule.
  13. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Also check their website for conduct rules. Whoever it was could just be like that...
  14. Sally

    Sally Member

    it is more like a meeting than a club. and I do not think it's so hard rules, they would have told me when I became a member. I was thinking more about the rules for all the subs that I should have understood. but since you say it is individual, I'm probably just paranoid, or meet a very strict Dom. anyway, I feel much safer now. and I'll talk more through my Master.

    Thank you all <3

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