Unsure starting point

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by decoyicus, Mar 2, 2011.

  1. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I have recently started a new relationship with a girl, although she had no prior knowlege of BDSM after a few conversations on the topic she has expressed an interest in trying it out. My only problem is I'm not sure where to start I have asked her but she has less of a clue of what she would be into than I do. This leaves me at a bit of a stand still, at first I thought I would just start with the general stuff but then I realized I'm sure of what "general" is. I not sure how I should proceed I don't want to start her off in the deep end as that could put her off but equally I don't want to start off to mellow because she could find it boring because I certainly do.

    So pretty much my question is where is a good middle of the road starting point for someone new to BDSM
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, are you more interested in domming or subbing? Put differently, what role are you hoping she'll play?
  3. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    All my experience of BDSM has been as a dom so that would be the role I would be hoping to play as for her I think she would be sub as she has a rather subbmissive personality. although I would be willing to switch I think starting off with me as the dom and her as the sub would be much easier because as I said before all my experience is as a dom
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok. So my advice is going to assume that she's a little bit on the conservative side--presumably if you already thought she was kinky, you wouldn't be asking this question.

    I'd suggest starting with mild bondage. It's the least threatening form of play for a sub. I remember once someone (maybe on this site--my apologies if I get any of this wrong) saying that he had a sort of kinkiness test for his girlfriends. During sex, he would grab her wrists and pin them down (or above her head), not too hard, and watch her reactions as he continued what he was doing. If she seemed to enjoy it, he figured she was 'corruptable'; if she didn't enjoy it he would stop, and usually he looked for a reason to move on from the relationship. I've never done that test, but it seemed like a good idea to me.

    So try tying her wrists behind her, not too tightly, or spread eagle. Maybe use some silk scarves or something not too threatening. Then just work on her sexually--lick or kiss her, light biting, stroke or tickle her, and maybe fuck her. The idea is to make her feel like being tied up is fun, and only just a teensy bit scary. Give her a safe word (although you might not have to explain the whole idea--just say "if you need me to stop, say 'red'"). If she enjoys it, you might graduate up to a blindfold. Or gradually introduce other sensations--feathers, ice cubes, a dildo or vibrator, gentle spanking.

    The idea here is to get her exploring kink without telling her that you're doing bdsm. If you start out telling her you want to do bdsm, she's gonna immediately picture whips, chains, and leather corsets. Once she's discovered that she enjoys being submissive, then explain that you and she and exploring bdsm, and there's this whole world of kinky play that you and she might investigate. Obviously how she reacts to your initial sessions is gonna tell you a whole lot about her kink potential. If, the first time you tie her up, she stars moaning and writhing, or starts roleplaying and promising that she'll be good or whatever, you know you've hit the jackpot. If she can't relax or uses the safe word right away, she's gonna be a harder sell. Once you've finished your first session, get some feedback--what did she like, what did she dislike, what might she want more of next time?
  5. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

    Since this is going to be her first time, I wouldn't start with bondage. Bondage has a degrading element to it that could easily distort the experience for you both, especially if you fixate her in some way (spreadeagle). Plus, it is pretty much the most common element in pop culture depictions and likely to be tainted by her imagination. Most importantly however, bondage is a hard control thing that can easily make her disbelieve the validity of her choice element. (as in, once she is tied up, she may feel her choice is diminished since you have to remove the bonds and she has to ask you to do it. The only guarantee she has is your word.)

    I'd start with relatively innocent sense play. Get a simple sleep mask (available pretty much everywhere), one she is comfortable with. (Satin works fine in my experience) Then ask her to put it on during foreplay. Be in an enviroment she is familiar and comfortable with, like her own bedroom.
    Sense play requires trust, but maintains her ability to intervene on her own at any time since her body is completely unrestrained. That way she does not have to use a safeword that might make her feel like she dissapoints you. It also allows her to build a scenery in her head which you can talk about later. Don't push her though, allow her the time to come to terms with it first.

    Gently caress her, tickle her but stick to your hands, tongue and relatively innocent items like feathers or, much better, a rose (stimulates both smell and touch, plus the thorns can be rather nice but you have to be carefull with that). Ice cubes, as Sebastian suggested, while a great toy, are also relatively extreme. For her first time, I'd try to keep her warm and huffing so to speak. If you get to having sex, let her make the choice of keeping the sleepmask on.

    This approach has the advantage that if she turns out not to like it, you will have done nothing too kinky that could destroy her image of you as a good guy. (Beeing into BDSM does not make you a bad guy, but realize its her perception that counts here and not reality.) If she turns out to like it, you can move on to gently holding her down and eventually tying her up. I'd wait with spanking until the act calls for it and if she likes it, you can explore in that direction as well.

    Since she is inexperienced, taking it slow is of the uttmost importance. This will require restraint on your side, but it may pay off. Good luck.
  6. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    I'd start with ultra light bondage hands tied together with silk on bed and gentle spanking afterwards
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    PS, a blindfold is another good place to start, but I tend to think of blindfolds as a form of bondage. The reason I suggested light bondage is that mild bondage turns up in movies and tv shows as something slightly kinky but safe, so it's less likely to freak her out. But just a blindfold works too.
  8. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    Thanks for the advice guys I'm not sure which of these I am going to start with but this has given me a much better idea of where I should start
  9. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

    Happy to help. I hope everything goes well for the two of you. :)
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Let us know how things go!
  11. phillyskin

    phillyskin Member

    Personally I feel the light bondage is the way to go as well, as it's not uncommon for vanilla couples to get up to that sort of thing (name a sex shop that doesn't sell those stupid furry handcuffs for instance).
  12. Nuka

    Nuka Member

    I am the more experienced out of me and ash. We introduced it through cuffs and the fact ash really likes having a collar on and kitty ears (one of her kinks) so I indulged the kitty aspect, whilst introducing cuffs, then a blindfold and it evolved from there.

    Once we had that as a stand point we added in a flog/flail, crop and eventually once we both got over the mental block (I have a thing of thinking my SO will prefer toys to me) we brought in toys.

    Try things like that?
  13. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    Last night I finally got to try out a few things she was a little suprised as I had'nt mentioned it but she was enthusiastic about getting started. I started by blindfolding her and lightly tieing her hands behind her back, I could tell she was nervous so I started with a few light sensations on her skin to be specific I used a feather some ice cubes and a tooth pick, after a few minuets of this I could tell that she was enjoying it. so I asked her if she wanted to try a little pain play she was a little aprehensive but agreed I didnt feel ready to test her pain tolerence so I started with slow light slaps to her fleshy areas (theighs, breasts, ass ect.) I moved up from this by dragging my teeth and finger nails across her skin. After that I untied her hands and left it up to her whether to take off the blindfold (she kept it on) I then slowly worked my way down her body to her pussy I then ate her out, when I felt she was close to orgasm I told her to hold off from cumming for as long as she could she failed in this after a few seconds, after this we had some vannila sex and went to sleep. I asked her what she though when we woke up this morning and she said although she didnt know what to expect and was a little nervous that she really enojyed it and wanted to try it out again she also added that it was one of the best orgasms she had ever had. Thanks for all your helpfull advice guys I think I know where to take things from here but if I hit a brick wall I will be sure to ask
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    That sounds like a great first exploration for both of you. I'm glad it went so well and that we were able to help. Have you given her a safe word to use? If not, you should. It will help build confidence and trust between the two of you.
  15. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

    What Sebastian said +1.

    Also, consider using the ample system for starters.
    Green = I Like it, keep going
    Orange = Its okay, but not for long
    Red = Stop this or I use the safe word

    This will give her a chance to give you feedback without having to use the safeword and keep that for emergencies. My fiancé and I employ this system to great success. According to her, it acts as a safeguard for when I do not intuitively know what she likes but she is reluctant to end the game as a whole.

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