Uncertain Wife

Discussion in 'Guest forum' started by Unregistered, Apr 8, 2013.

  1. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    My wife and I have played around with some kinky ideas, a little rope bondage, blindfolds, spankings that she found out she liked. But when it comes down to actually having a time set aside to D/s, she backs out, she will talk about it, like she even wants to try, but when the time comes, no dice. Is there advice for breaking the ice?
     
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Being a sub requires a lot of trust, but presumably she trusts you not to injure her (since you're already married to her). So the issue here probably isn't worries about personal safety (unless there have been problems with that), although it's possible that if she has abuse in her past, she might be having trouble feeling safe. So my guess is that it's one of three things:

    1) She's less interested in this than you are, and she doesn't really want to do it. But from what you've described, this is at least as much her idea as yours. So this seems less likely.
    2) She's scared of what she'll find out about herself. She's worried she'll enjoy it too much, and that this will disrupt her self-image. For example, maybe she's afraid that she's not really as strong a woman as she thinks she is.
    3) She feels awkward and self-conscious. Maybe she thinks she's not sexy enough to be dominant (or submissive). Maybe she's worried she won't know what to say or do, or that she'll look silly dressed up as a French maid.

    If the issue is 2, have a long talk with her and give her permission to be who she is inside. If she wants to be a naughty slut with you, tell her that you're ok with that. Remember that BDSM can open up some scary doors in our heads. So let her know that it's ok to be whoever she wants to be, even if that conflicts with her normal persona. People are complicated. She can be sweet and mothering and a dirty whore at the same time; it's not either/or.

    If the issue is 3, give her permission to be awkward. It's your first time with this stuff too, so you two are exploring together, and no one else has to see or know about it. And the first time you give yourself permission to be really sexual and real is nervous-making. That's natural. The first time I put on a cop uniform (my first true BDSM session, with a mentor) I felt like a fool until I looked in the mirror and was shocked at how hot I looked in the uniform. Clothing fetishes aren't about looking sexy to the world; they're about feeling sexy for ourselves.
     

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