Trans Curious...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Want2bMe, Dec 5, 2010.

  1. Want2bMe

    Want2bMe New Member

    this is my first post after saying hello. A friend of a friend suggested I come to this site to possibly get some insight into who i am and what I need.

    I'm a male, and I'm straight, i know i've experimented it wasn't for me. However, I feel like i should be a woman. I feel like a woman trapped inside, and I'd like to be a woman, but i don't want to shed my penis, as i find it could be useful since I still want to be with women.

    So in a sense, I want to be a lesbian with a penis, and I feel very lost most of the time. Is there any hope for me?
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  2. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    Well it's normal lots of transsexuals are straight
    Tell me what's the problem :)
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Want: Transsexualism isn't really a category of bdsm, so I don't know how much insight we can offer you, but we're a pretty accepting bunch here, so hopefully we can at least get you pointed in the right direction. You might check out, a site for the transgendered and those confused about their gender.

    So, if I understand you, you feel like your body is the wrong sex, but you feel like you want to keep your penis, and you're attracted to women. Given that you want to keep your penis, what is it about your body that you think is wrong? What part of you do you want to be female? For what I know about transsexualism (and I'm hardly an expert on it), transsexuals typically want to change their genitals. However, many transsexuals do not go through with the surgery, either because they cannot afford it, or because they are afraid of the risks of the surgery, or because they still have some lingering doubt about what they want. Such transsexuals are often called pre-ops (pre-operative, a term that also applies to those who are preparing for sexual-reassignment surgery). Perhaps you're essentially a cross-dresser: a straight man who enjoys wearing women's clothes.

    It sounds a little as if you want to live as a woman (women's clothes, taking a woman's name, etc) but remain biologically a male. Given that many transsexuals do just that, you're not alone in the world. Transsexuals still face a good deal of prejudice in our society (and in fact in most societies), so I suggest that you find a support group for transsexuals that can give you more insight and social assistance than this site can (but you're certainly welcome here if you wanna chat about bdsm). Cross-dressers typically maintain a male identity and simply indulge their desire to be feminine in private.

    I think you should also speak to a therapist; it sounds to me like you're dealing with Gender Identity Disorder, which is the technical term for what you're wrestling with. If you decide to go through with any major medical treatment for your situation, you'll need the formal approval of a psychologist.

    And then there's the fact that you are attracted to women instead of men. That's less odd than you think. Gender identity and sexual orientation are separate things. You can have a desire to change your gender without having a desire to sleep with people of your old gender. There are definitely MTF lesbians. What's trickier is that you want to keep your penis. Lesbians, by definition, don't want to play with dicks; they want to play with pussies. You might be able to find a bi woman who is willing to accept your arrangement, or you might find a straight woman who will accept your cross-dressing.

    Perhaps the best thing to do is explore being genderqueer. 'Genderqueer' refers to people who identify as something in between strictly male and strictly female.

    Hope this helps you a little.
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  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    You'll probably find more answers on a forum/site for transsexual support, but no one will complain if you chill here too (we're pretty fun)

    Gonna have to echo Sebastian here, its completely normal to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body who is still attracted to women. You don't need to have gender re-assignment surgery if you don't want to but you might be interested in taking estrogen in order to have breasts (and a more womanly appearance?) I don't know a lot about the effect of estrogen on biological men but I think too much will cause your penis to lose the ability to get an erection. Again, I could be wrong, I dont know much about this

    And you dont have to just have relationships with lesbians! Bisexual girls also like dating girls (and speaking from the experience of actually being a bisexual girl with a huuuuge interest in MtFs who keep their dicks, lemme just say that we're out there! I'm glad you exist too!)

    Are you sort of on the younger side? Like, late teens/early 20s? I've heard that gender re-assignment is easier the younger you are, but again I could be wrong.

    I did a little digging and found a few sites, hopefully you'll find them useful!
    Also, you might want to check in with any local resources that are available. Most Planned Parenthood clinics are great (and also very confidential) places to start
    Good luck!
  5. Want2bMe

    Want2bMe New Member

    Thank you all for the warm welcome and the advice. I'll check out the other site you referenced sebastian. Also, to answer some questions you asked:
    please don't misunderstand, my desire to keep my penis comes more from a sense of practicality that any fear or inability to afford the surgery. As I know I will still be engaging in sex with females, it just seems practical to always have a "dildo" attached for when the moment might arise, as opposed to having to break the mood to put on a strap on. I want to be completely female, except for that one detail. I want breasts, I want hips, I want the whole package. Having a Vagina will not in any way validate who I am, and since theres the risk of desensitization involved, as well as other risks, I figure its best to leave that alone.
    However, I would be fully open to hormone injections, supplements, implants, everything to simply be the woman I see in my minds eye when I lay my pretty little head down at night.

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  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Want: I'm glad this is helping you a little bit. We can't solve your problems, but we can help you see them more clearly and maybe help you figure out how to get some answers. A few thoughts:

    'Asexual' refers to people who have little to no desire for sex. 'Transgendered' refers (I think) to those who have made (or desire to make) a transition from one gender to the other. I suppose Genderqueer refers to people who adopt some elements of one gender but retain elements of the other. There definitely are genderqueer people out there who are willing to accept a woman who has a dick; how you go about meeting them I don't know, but online communities can certainly help you meet people who can give you advice on that.

    The more I think about what you are describing, the more I think that the category that most closely defines you is shemale. I can't claim to know a lot about shemales (I like really masculine men, so I don't spend much time reading about shemales), but what I know fits you--entirely female, except for the cock. Dan Savage (the sex-advice columnist) says that shemales are mostly a straight male thing--some guys like playing with cock but don't want that cock attached to a man (because that would be 'gay'). There are probably women out there who like the idea of being with a woman but still want cock, but Savage seems to think they're not the main 'market' for shemales. Again, those who are living that life are going to be able to tell you much more about this than I can.

    If you want to do hormone therapy, be aware that estrogen treatments will shrink your cock and may interfere with your ability to get an erection. That's something you will need to discuss with your doctor so you can understand the implications of your choices.

    It saddens you that lesbians don't want dicks. Why does this sadden you? It seems to me that you're used to thinking that sex always involves a dick getting inserted into some orifice. As a gay man, I like that way of thinking, but for lesbians sex doesn't involve dicks at all. It involves tongues, fingers, clit-on-clit rubbing, dildoes, and I shudder to think what else. So if you choose to become a full MTF transsexual, there are lots of things that you and a female lover can do that don't require you to keep the old plumbing. I'm not saying you should go all the way, but don't simply rule it out because you think that sex requires a cock.

    Don't get discouraged. There is more room today in modern society for people who fall between the genders than there has ever been. You absolutely can find people to guide you, help you understand your choices, and mentor you through whatever transition you choose to make. And there are definitely women out there who are interested in 'chicks with dicks', but you may have to look to find them.
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2010
  7. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Some lesbians probably wont mind! Bisexuals probably wont mind! Did you both totally ignore my comment =(

    Hormone therapy is defiantly going to shrink your stuff and its going to stop working. Really you should talk to a support group/doctor/therapist about what kind of gender re-assignment methods are going to be the best for you. I can understand you wanting to keep it (the penis has a lot of nerves right? I assume it feels good) but yeah think of foreplay! There's all kinds of great things you can do without traditional intercourse

    I always bring in the most obvious links, but feel free to browse around what Wikipedia says about both "transgender" and "genderqueer"
    "ransgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male, female or intersex based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation"
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  8. Want2bMe

    Want2bMe New Member

    Thank you again sebatian, and no sillylittlepet i did not ignore it, i actually went to your links and got so engrossed i forgot to come back and comment. I was aware that hormone treatments would shrink my penis, but i was unaware it would cause it to not function. I suppose something like Cialis would be needed?
    Sebastian, It's not that i think that sex requires a penis to be inserted, i just find it incredibly practical. I mean sure, i know what I'm talking about here is largely unpractical to most, but why would i cut off a perfectly capable penis, simply to go shopping for a synthetic replacement? Even you referenced dildos in terms of lesbian play. It saddens me to think that even though I still have a penis, an oppressed group would still not consider me one of their own, and as such, would oppress me further still by rejecting me as the woman I am, regardless of how I'm equipped.
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Want: the whole question of whether transwomen qualify as women is an extremely contentious one within feminist and lesbian circles. Some feminists and lesbians take the position that you essentially have to be born a woman biologically to be a woman, while others are more inclusive. One of the major lesbian music festivals had a vehement rift over this issue a few years ago and split to become two groups, one that accepted transwomen and one that excluded them. Gay men seem much less concerned about this issue than gay women, in part because since Stonewall, lesbianism has tended to have a very strong theoretical component to it that deals with questions of women's identity, women's relationship to men, and so on, and lesbian theory has tended to be rather essentializing, by which I mean that it has emphasized that women/lesbians have a unique essence that cannot be understood or fully communicated to men. The Vagina Monologues is an example of feminist essentializing. But from such thinking it stands to reason that you cannot truly acquire the essence of 'woman' if you don't possess it from birth. Part of the challenge that you will run into with some lesbians (although certainly not all) is that they will feel that if you don't have a vagina, you're not a woman, that the vagina contains the essence of female identity.

    Part of the point of genderqueer is that it tries to cut through the rigid definitions of gender by asserting that there is a substantial grey zone between the two black and white poles of male and female.

    As far as erectile dysfunction is concerned, Cialis, Viagra, and the like may or may not have much of an effect on you. They don't work for absolutely everyone, and I have no idea how they would work for someone on estrogen therapy. Hormones work on a very deep level in the body, whereas Cialis and Viagra work on a very surface level; all they do is increase the amount of blood flowing into the cock by opening the arteries a little wider. If lack of blood flow is not the reason for the lack of erection, they won't make a difference. Again, you will need to discuss this with a doctor and with those who are undergoing treatment.
  10. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    seb does a really good job outlining the challenges you face, and I hope you see why we highly recommend that you find a strong support group in your community and a good doctor/therapist.

    The Human rights Campaign is another amazing place to start, they have lots of links for local centers and support groups and their section on trans-issues will hopefully be helpful to you!

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