Top needs clarification and advice

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Rud24, Jan 21, 2013.

  1. Rud24

    Rud24 New Member

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    Hi All,

    I've only been introduced to BDSM in the last 9months and would like some help. I haven't really trained my bottom to do things without telling her and often shes good at it but she sometimes forgets. So maybe some ideas on how i can make sure she remembers these things and knows her place would be great. My bottom has a low tolerance to pain, we're not 24/7 and also long distance at the moment.

    I also need some clarification on what the different between Ritual and Protocol is and also some examples of what these two would be as well as what could be enforced or how they could be enforced. I'm also not sure what the differences are between a Top/Dom and a Bottom/Sub. I know the little differences between the two but i would like a bit more detail if possible.

    Last edited: Jan 21, 2013
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    Hi there, and welcome to the board.

    One suggestion would be to classify the things she forgets into categories like:

    - Appropriate behavior and politeness
    - Reliability in completing tasks
    - Dress code
    - etc.

    Try to have at least three areas that you want her to work on. These could include weight loss (if that's what she wants), or personal fitness.

    Most of us have New Year resolutions we're struggling to keep so this would be a great way to help her improve herself.

    Each day, and for each category give her one or more Gold Stars for good work, and one or more Black Stars for bad work.

    You could even create a blog to hold the running totals - it can be private to both of you, or make it public to show her humiliation. You can still be anonymous, but you could post blog entries describing her punishments and people would probably chip in with ideas. You can even let people vote on what to do to her. Maybe take a few photos, but ensure that your identities are hidden.

    Choose a particular day of the week to hold her to account. You can set her a goal of having, for example, 5 Gold Stars in each category. But each Black Star she receives will cancel out any Gold Stars that she is awarded.

    Choose a suitable punishment if she fails to meet her goals in any category. Have a separate punishment for each category in which she fails to meet her goals.

    By putting the info online it will be a constant reminder for her - especially since you are apart - that she needs to follow your directions to the letter.

    This should work both online and when you are able to be together, and it takes you closer to a 24/7 lifestyle.

    I didn't comment on your Ritual and Protocol question because I suspect there are people here more qualified to answer it.

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  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Have you read the Newcomer's FAQ? There should be some helpful stuff in there, especially about the terminology of doms and subs.

    Honestly, I'm not sure there is much difference between Ritual and Protocol and Rules. Yes, there are shades of meaning there, but they're close together and different kinksters use them differently. For me, a rule is simple standing command--always turn off the light in the bathroom; a rule has no deeper meaning beyond what I want my boy to do. A protocol is like a rule, but has deeper meaning--always walk on my left side, a half pace behind me; this establishes the hierarchical relationship between us. A ritual is something more complex, a set of actions and rules that can help the dom and sub move into the proper mindspace--when you come over, you will undress, put on your collar, crawl over to me, kiss my feet, and say "master, how can I serve you?"; this complex of actions reminds both dom and sub that they are in a particular relationship, with expected roles and duties.

    As you can see from my example, the shades of meaning there are small. And what I'm calling a ritual others would call protocol. Some people consider protocol the whole system of rules and rituals. So it's mostly a question of what terms you care to use.
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  4. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

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    There are many forms of punishment. Not all of them need to involve pain at all.

    If your sub has a low level of tolerance for physical pain then maybe it would be better to focus on "psychological" punishments.

    Humiliation or embarrassment can be adequate forms of punishment. Especially if they're not someone who has a particular fetish for it. Some subs get off on H/e so that might not be too good as a form of punishment, make sure you understand whether or not this is true for your sub before you try instituting any form of this kind of punishment.

    Also, deprivation can be a very effective form of punishment. This can go hand in hand with H/e.


    If your sub misbehaves you can deprive them of articles of clothing. If your sub isn't an exhibitionist you might not want to choose an article of clothing that can be noticed if in public. However you can deprive them of "underwear privileges".
    Which article of underwear you deprive them of (if the sub is female) bears thinking on. Which is more embarrassing for them to be without? a bra? so their nipples are more noticeable or their breasts sway more. Panties? so they feel a draft, or maybe the anxiety of their pussy being seen if they bend over(if they're wearing a skirt). Even better if they're wearing yoga pants.

    See what I mean about deprivation going hand in hand with H/e?

    There's another aspect of deprivation though. Tie her down so her pussy is offered up to you. Then finger her and use vibrators etc to bring her to the edge of orgasm. Then back off. Bring her to the edge over and over and each time deny her orgasm. Then order her NOT to touch herself. You can either untie her and leave her in a state of sexual frustration, or you can be forgiving and allow her to beg you to let her orgasm and then bring her off.

    Since its a punishment, if you choose to be "forgiving" you might want to think about bringing her off again and again until its "too much".

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