tips for a dom.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Callie'sMaster, Dec 4, 2010.

  1. Callie'sMaster

    Callie'sMaster New Member

    Hi all, I have a new partner and she has, to my joy, expressed an interest in my becoming her master, only in the bedroom and only light bondage.
    We have discussed this and we have played dom and sub. We both fully enjoyed the experience.

    But as we are both new to this, I'm a little short on ideas.

    I'd love to hear how you dom your partner, what do you make your partner do?

    Thanks in advance for your imput.

  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Cal, congrats on deciding to walk on the wild side! Here are a few suggestions:

    1) Read the Newcomer's FAQ. We created it just for people like you who are getting their feet wet in the stream of kink for the first time. There is a lot of stuff for you to think about and hopefully it answers some of your basic questions. Also, it will give you safety tips and it will give you a language with which to talk about your interests and desires. So figure out which parts of the 4 spheres of bdsm you are interested in.

    2) Once you have some ideas of what you might want to do, sit down with your sub and have a long conversation with her about what she wants to try and what you want to try. Communication is the number one most important thing for successful bdsm (and it will help your general relationship as well). At this stage, don't be judgmental; even if she tells you that she wants to do something that makes you a little uncomfortable, let her talk about what she wants and why she wants it. Then, tell her how you feel about what she wants; tell her which things you are willing to do, which things you might eventually be willing to do after you warm up, and tell her which things you don't think you want to do. And she gets to do the same thing with your list. So once you've figured out which items turn up on both your lists, start exploring those items.

    3) You are the dom, but you are new to this, and you're not a mind-reader. Doms sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that they are supposed to be an endless well of wicked sexual fantasies. But it's ok to need help learning to 'think kinky'. So ask her what fantasies she wants to play out. Think about some simple role-playing scenes, and act out any story that you and she might enjoy. So talk about kinky scenes from movies and re-enact one. Explore all the cliched romance novel scenes: kidnapped noblewoman, pirate wench, woman overwhelmed by the plumber, etc. And if the two of you want it, explore some of the darker fantasies, like you 'breaking in' and 'raping' her. Those are hot button ideas, but they're also hot.

    4) Do some reading. Doms have an obligation to be knowledgeable, especially if you venture into bondage or pain play very far. The FAQ lists some good books for those starting down this road, so get a few of them off Amazon and read them. They will teach your safety and play techniques, and they will also give you ideas for scenes and activities. A good book for learning bondage is Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook.

    5) Rope bondage is a lot of fun, but you need to learn it from a book that has room to talk about the various safety concerns. Bondage does carry risks, and while the risks are not a reason to not explore, they are real enough that I'm not gonna tell you to run out, buy some rope and just start tying her up. So instead, I'm gonna suggest that you start with some pre-made leather cuffs. They're a little more expensive than just rope, but it's pretty hard to hurt your sub with them. So the two of you can get used to the idea of her being lightly immobilized while you use her body. Blindfolds are another pretty easy toy to work in. You can use a silk scarf or a tie to improvise one (just don't tie it too tightly), or buy a blindfold (they're fairly cheap for a basic one). When she's blindfolded, remember to be a little unpredictable--if she thinks you're going to touch her tits, stroke her thighs instead. If she thinks you're gonna spank her, stick a dildo in her instead. Most subs love the little mind games that bdsm allows.
  3. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    On a random note, I've found that long sleeved shirts work wonderfully as blindfolds. Just roll up the shirt, place over the eyes, and tie the sleeves around the head and adjust as needed.

    Seb pretty much has it covered, but here's my input.

    Recently I dommed a friend of mine. I started out (actually with no intention of domming him) with a massage. I ended flipping him over and massaging his upper thighs (we're both martial artists, and that is where he carries all of his stress).

    Well I ended up going under his boxers and massaging his hips while avoiding his stoof. I then started to talk him up.

    NOTE: He is VERY shy about his body and just shy in general.

    "So what are you thinking about?"
    "Embarrassing things."
    "Oh? Like what?"
    "I can't tell you." -covers face with pillow-
    So I stopped massaging him.
    "Wait why'd you stop?"
    "Well, you convinced me that you don't need a massage anymore."
    "B-but, I want to you continue-"
    "No, no, you've thoroughly convinced me. I'll just go now."
    "Please continue."
    -smiles wickedly- "Then tell me what you're thinking about."
    "...How much I want you to touch me."
    "Oh? In what ways?"
    "...L-like, stroking my penis a-and..."
    "Ah, I see." -continues to massage hips and purposely avoids his junk until he's begging-

    Aaaand then I ended up doing some pain play on him though I went very slow as he has nerve damage and has a high pain threshold.

    But that is just a sample of what I do. Hope that helps. Lol and randomly anything I could have improved on Seb?
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Tumble: Masterfully played! Making the boy tell you what's in his head is a great strategy. If he's sort of ashamed of his desire, it's both humiliating and liberating to speak it aloud. You're probably helping him build a fetish! I suppose I would have started to mock him eventually, but that's because im a horrible person.
  5. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    I would have too, but we were interrupted.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    That sucks. You'll just have to find a way to blame him for that and make him submit at a later date to make it up to you.
  7. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Indeed. It actually was a breakthrough for me as a domme. I was wondering if maybe I was just playing at one because things with Puppy have been so stressful and chaotic recently, but that situation really made me realize that I am one.
    It also helped that it was easy to get into his head. I love embarrassing boys >:] and then humiliating them. It makes me happy.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Congratulations on that breakthrough! I think it's an important moment in the life of a dom/me, when you realize that you really have the instincts and ability of a dom, even if those instincts and abilities are not as fully-developed as you would like.
  9. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Yes exactly! And the thing is that it's been so hard to domme Puppy lately (too much to explain), so I was really discouraged.
  10. Callie'sMaster

    Callie'sMaster New Member

    Thank you both, it seems I have alot to learn. But my friend and I have time to take it slow and enjoy it all.
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Cal, there is a huge world of kink out there, so yes, there is potentially a lot to learn. But the nice thing is that you and your friend only have to learn about the parts of it that you're intersted in delving into, and you only have to learn as quickly as you choose. Going slow early on is prudent.

    Feel free to ask any questions you may have, and stick around and tell us what you're learning. You may come up with tricks we haven't thought of. And who knows? Maybe you have a real talent for domming.
  12. stvstvns

    stvstvns New Member

    Last edited: Dec 20, 2010
  13. Callie'sMaster

    Callie'sMaster New Member

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