The down side to being a switch...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by BA19, Apr 10, 2013.

  1. BA19

    BA19 New Member

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    For me, being a switch has a real down side to it. Specifically to do with my masochistic side...
    I more often than not find my self playing dom, because my partners aren't dom enough to even try getting passed my disobedient and cheeky flirtation.
    And even when they man up enough to do so, they never seem to do it right... They're always holding back way too much! I mean seriously, is a guy getting roughed up properly a little too much to ask...!?

    Do any other switches have this problem? Regardless of gender, or which side of playtime seems to be missing....?
  2. hrhmadison

    hrhmadison New Member

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    a Womans view

    I so know what you mean. I used to be a switch but now I am specifically dom due to that fustration. I would always find myself pushing limits just to hope they would get it and be tougher. But no, it was almost a relief to them, like they were thinking maybe I really didn't need to be dominated. With my husband, I would read stories with him on literotica, I would write out fantasies in a special journal we would talk about how this shows love and trust, etc. but he was just so blocked. Imagine having him stop a scene to ask if this is what I meant or to rustle the journal pages, humph. I would just say, fuck me quick and get this over.

    Anyway, sinceI am married and did not want to find another partner when we discovered he was clearly a sub and fem, I had to make a choice to go dom permanently or continue to face fustration and let it ruin our marriage. I always would be thinking why are they not getting this? Was it laziness, knowledge, not caring. Now I know using my psych training that his mother really did create a femme and I didn't want to see it under his military facade, he didn't have dom in him. He is also a little bit lazy too and admitted being a dom is a bit more hard work than he is able to maintain on a regular basis. So no attempt at me trying to get him to see this as a way to get to have the ultimate male sexual fantasies lived in real life was ever going to work. And usually we are ok. At times when he gets an attitude I will remind him we could go back to me being sub and that usually changes his attitude because he knew that he couldn't full me as a dom.

    Now the best way I handle it is to make sure that I do not go too long in between really good orgasms because then my sub tendencies come out more. i also attempt to use my fantasy life as a method to at least think about being bound, which is the part that I miss the most, during solo times. I also admit to being rougher on him sometimes because I wish it were me. The only other options I have are to either start an additional relationship, online or in person, and potentially damage my marriage, or attempt to take as much pleasure I can from being a dom only. It is not possible to make someone into a dom if they don't want it or don't have it in them, without creating resentment and hurt. If I were still single in this situation I think I might have looked for a new partner or stayed single so I could of added the additional dom in my life as a treat.

    Hope my view helped a little.
  3. applethini

    applethini New Member

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    Male Perspective

    I had the same situation with my gf.she tried being dom for me but it just wasn't happening. so for the most part i've been dom for the last 3 years(not anymore...) It was easy for me to be dom, but there was many a time that i wanted to be sub and couldn't. it wears on you after awhile. it was awesome when she was in a dom mood, but the only thing that ever resulted was that she'd be on top and she'd be super rough. I like to incorporate toys in the bedroom. but after about a year of dating, that died out. turned into just getting off and trying new positions(which was fun). now that I'm out of a relationship, i find it hard for me to go back to toys and sub, as much as i want to.

    I'm in the military as well and was raised by my mother most of my life, and I'm sure I don't produce the normal amount of testosterone, so i have an idea of where you're coming from. apparently i stand like a girl a lot and I do a lot of girly things that I honestly don't see as "girly." I also don't think like everyone else, especially men. andI get along with women way better then I do men, even though women sometimes piss me off easier the guys do. So I'm kind of stuck in the middle. and while it's frustrating at times, there are many benefits. I have my mothers "hot-head" and "take charge, fuck you" attitude when needed. so i can be dom at work, as well as in bed. comes naturally. but there's always something missing...
    sorry. got way off topic
  4. BA19

    BA19 New Member

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    Ugh, the thing I really hate is when I'm in a super sub mood and solo time just won't cut it!

    @hrhmadison: Have you considered asking about maybe swinging?

    @applethini: Perfectly fine to get a little off topic, we all have roots in our S&M natures. Personally I used to get the shit kicked out of me when I was still in school, learned to return the favor and found myself really liking it... After a while though I really missed being beaten myself. Anyway, you get the point...
  5. EG1984

    EG1984 New Member

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    I am in my first BDSM relationship now, it is pretty serious in terms of commitment to the D/S roles and i am entirely the dom in it - we do switch once in a while, but when we do it's very clear that it's merely a game while the rest of the time i am in charge for real, i still really enjoy my sub time and i think it's also important, but what i found out is, that my fantasies of being a sub are orders of magnitude hotter inside my head - i can go wild with a fantasy of being a slave, and then when my pet and me play it out, it's not nearly as exciting for me.

    So i am wondering if anyone has some idea about something i can do to match the excitement from the session to the one on the fantasy, or at least bring them a bit closer...

    Forgive me if it's seems unrelated, just seemed that a thread about switching is a good place to voice this.
  6. new1

    new1 Member

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    Hmmm I was always dom because I had never met anyone who could bring out the sub in me..I recently found people who could dom me but they have seriously unhealthy apathetic traits. I seems that my sub side only gives into the best of manipulators and they aren't nice people. Finding a trustworthy male dom is somewhat a mythical fantasy. But it has been a short desperate indulgence for me, I was so eager and niave that I let the worst people take it. It has erased the last bit of hope and respect that I had for men.

    Too many men are voyeuristic, hacking, control freak, psycho, pervs masquerading as doms.
  7. BA19

    BA19 New Member

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    @EG1984: If your sub's not up to playing dom, then the only thing I can really think of if you want to keep a relationship is swinging. Don't bother having both of you sub to a dominant new plaything you brought home for a 3 way, because you may end up losing your authority as a dom over them.
    Personally I've never been one for monogamy... Only ever seriously tried it once, and it was probably the nastiest breakup I've ever had. Just saying...
  8. BA19

    BA19 New Member

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    Oh God, I know what you mean.
    The only guys I've known that even come close for me need to be locked away in a padded cell with a straight jacket on!
    It's the darker side of S&M that no one enjoys acknowledging...

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