The Box

Discussion in 'General fetish discussions' started by Darky, Feb 25, 2010.

  1. Darky

    Darky New Member

    Background of my story: My girlfriend the first few times we had sex, she would sometimes not move, and looked almost asleep. I just thought she was just bad in bed... then I found out after much prodding that her fantasy was that someone drugged her and date raped her. So she lived that scenario in her head.

    Not that she wanted to be raped, but it was a fantasy. I think she's clearly submissive, but so scared to be submissive, she can only fulfill her kinks by fantasizing she's drugged, as in that she has no choice.

    Toys scare her, she can't go in to a sex shop, or even play with a toy. Even though when she is alone, she plays with her ass, and has finger fucked me in my ass, bitten me, asked permission to cum. etc etc... Its just the toys... or the image of sex... Its like her kinky side and her "sex is only missionary" side are always fighting.

    This turned into more of a rant than anything else... lol. I wish she could be more at ease with who she is.

    Right now we might have really kinky sex, that if I mention later in the morning, she'll almost pretend it didn't happen.

    Anyway, she accidentally found "the box". The one with the handcuffs buttplugs rope collars leashes and all the other fun stuff. (I knew her problems, so I had decided not to show them to her yet)

    Oh well... not that Im ashamed of my kinks, but its always something that needs a bit of trust to come out.

    And now she says she unsure about us and our relationship. *sigh* Why are people so complicated?

    (I don't really expect a solution... was more one of those rants I had to do with people who understand the kinky side of life lol)
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  2. WmaGuy

    WmaGuy Member

    So many people enter relationships - talking about everything from favorite foods, colors, sports teams and beyond. The problem is many don't have "the talk" about sex - perhaps they assume that their partner will just accept their preferences, or are too embarrassed to bring them up - fearing that they will drive the person away. I have made this mistake in my own life when I was younger, with not so great results, (at least in one case). The reality is that at least for the moment, you and your girlfriend are not sexually compatible. It's likely that if you do not have a "balls out" discussion about your sexual preferences, (and hers), that there's little hope for synergy and that's where your decision will be made. Do you stay with this person - knowing that your wants, needs and desires will not be met? Or, do you explore the possibilities that she may have some preferences of her own that may match yours to a degree? Or, do you cut your losses now and move on? This problem will not resolve itself - you will need to have a frank discussion outside the bedroom. The reality is, she should not have had to find "the box", she should have known about it in the first place....Good luck....
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm not sure that you and your girlfriend are incompatible. Many subs want to be submissive but struggle with the programming of their upbringing that tells them that submission (or sex) is bad. These subs often need to be physically restrained to really enjoy sex, because if they can't stop what's happening, then they can let go and enjoy it. She sounds like she might be one of those subs. The trick is getting her to the point where she can accept it without scaring her off. Maybe you could try some really light romantic bondage (like the infamous silk scarves), something that doesn't conjure up whips and chains, so she can feel safe and normal and willing to explore it.

    But I agree with Wma that talking to her is a good idea. She probably has a lot of the "bdsm=sick and evil' programming, so you need to help her see that you're not a sick pervert if you enjoy this stuff, and she's not going to become a sick pervert if she explores it a little. You need to be honest, but you might want to be careful just how far 'balls out' you go in your talk. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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  4. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    What WmaGuy and Sebastian said covers almost all of my insights into your situation. Strongest is that she will need to be restrained somehow (i.e. tied and helpless) for you to get the fullest reaction from her, but it sounds like that's way in the future and the road there ain't paved.

    I'd like to review what seems to be obvious:

    1. She wants to be, and fantasizes about, being taken advantage of.
    2. Admitting it, or participating in any ownership regarding how she gets off is unacceptable to her
    3. Right now she sees you as... well, you know, Satan. But only because you epitomize the dark being inside her that she can't accept.

    Been there.

    My thoughts regarding those points are as follows:

    1. This won't change. It's what she's attracted to. We don't control what or who we're attracted to, only what we do about it.

    2. This will change, one way or another. Either she will accept who she is and grow more comfortable, or she will learn to deny all of it (not eliminate it). Regardless, item 1 will stay the same.
    I can't be sure, but I'm thinking she's pretty young (18 to 24). She has to find her path in her own way. Those that participate in this forum are, by and large, those who have accepted who they are and continue to seek others of our kind. And I'm sure that almost all of us have felt that there was something seriously wrong with us at one point or another, early on..... Including you.

    3. To her, you are Satan. If that remains true, she won't stay with you, though she may get back to you (..don't we all?)

    If you really want to keep her and take on her development, you may want to make an attempt at "Resetting the Board" - You probably need to tell her that you have rid yourself of the box, so that she is not threatened by it. You might want to do some constructive denial and try to make her believe that some of what was in the box was in anticipation of your own fantasies.
    I may get some flack from this comment from others, but in her mind you're already ahead of her in a scary way. The only way I can see to counter that is to attempt reset.
    Additionally, some of them (and us) really appreciate the development of "The Box" during your relationship. The Box becomes an extension of you (two) and not a source of questions about your past.
    If that works, then over time you can work with her fantasy, while slowly upping the anti as Sebastian suggested. From there, the rule of progressive excesses will apply.
    Whatever you do, you're gonna have to make it about her fantasy, not yours. As she gets more comfortable with you helping her achieve her fantasy, she will be better at participating in some of yours.
    This is where WmaGuy's point is strongest - In the future you need to give your prospects some indication of your preferences. I don't mean it like warning her that you're a cannibal or something, and not necessarily during the first date, but certainly in the very early stages of what would be considered a budding relationship.
    Though I'm a dominant lover, I'm very capable of having plenty of normal vanilla sex with a woman, but if that's all she's about, the relationship will have it's limits. Better that they know sooner than later.

    Good luck, and I hope you have a lot of patience.

    BTW....How did she "Find" the box?
  5. Communication is so very important, in all cases. Without wantig to sound harsh, you should have made her aware of your kinky equipment right away.

    Yes, you both need to share your honest feelings in a discussion. And do you know why she is so afraid of toys? If you have the answer to that, maybe it will help to resolve the problem.

    Good luck, and let us know how you get on :)
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    What OLP says brings up an interesting point. Is it better for a d/ser to come out of the closet right away with a new partner and risk scaring them away or take a little time, build some trust, and then come out of the closet, with the risk of losing the partner and the time spent building trust?

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