Talking About BDSM

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by maso_missive, May 4, 2010.

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  1. maso_missive

    maso_missive Guest

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    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2011
  2. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    first off, congrats! Must feel great to have spoken to him about it :)

    In my situation, I introduced bdsm to my bf as a different type of play. He liked seeing me in a leather collar and cuffs. The names are one of the hardest parts though. I like to call him master while we play, and I think he likes it. I still haven't had the talk with him about turning it into more of a lifestyle than random play.

    One time when we were playing, I said in a sexy, yet mischievous tone, "May I call you my master?" and finished it with the smile I know turns him on. By then, he was probably thinking I could call him anything as long as he could take me. Since then I've dropped it in on occasion outside of play in the bedroom. I'm not sure what he wants, but I'd recommend talking to your guy. If you're nervous, you don't have to blatantly ask, "Can I be your slave and you my master?" Just try to suggest it, like asking his permission to refer to him as your master. Ask him if he wants a pet name for you. If you keep those lines of communication open, he'll feel more comfortable going places with you sexually.
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    My advice would be to get comfortable with SM in the bedroom and then discuss taking it outside the bedroom. Once the bf feels comfortable with domming, then extend the domming by having the scenario start outside the bedroom. Maybe he gives you a list of chores that have to be done and when he gets home he evaluates how well you did them and rewards or punishes you in the bedroom accordingly.
     
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I'm jumping right now! Jumping all over the place!!

    Let me tell you my personal experience.
    I didnt really know what the specifics of what I wanted when I first started playing with my master, so really it was just spanking and rougher sex. Little by little I came to realize things I was totally nuts about. Usually after we had sex I would tell him all the things that I wanted next time, or how he could be rougher/hit harder/get dirtier. Then I would question him and ask him if he wanted to do those things.
    I would call this sebastian's route

    You could do that, but you seem kind of antsy.
    Since you already know he's into SM play, telling him all the things you want isnt going to freak him out! (hooray!) If you already know a lot of things that you totally want, let him know. Dont go into the bedroom with ropes and cuffs when what you really want is a collar and a mouth full of nasty words.
    I think telling him what you want is a great starting point. Figure out some things that turn you both on and go from there!

    (also. YESSSSS I knew you could do ittt!!! :D)
     
  5. Sate_Sprie

    Sate_Sprie Member

    I don't really have a ton of experience but I can tell you mine.

    My husband and I were newly married when he just out and told me about his interest in BDSM. I was interested also, not a lot at first, but now I couldn't go back if I wanted. I love it. Anyhow, we've started out very slowly at first but within a very short time we wanted to try a 24/7 relationship. That didn't go so well. I was so overwhelmed but not having practiced any bdsm and not really knowing what to do. We ended up stopping all together for a long time. I got pregnant shortly after so now that we've started back with out the 24/7 thing it's a lot better. I'd like to do it 24/7 again, but for now this is what works. It's not as overwhelming. So I suggest taking it slow for a while and working up to that.
     
  6. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    mm - I'm very happy for you. Glad you guys are talking.

    Walk please. Don't run.

    What I suggest is no different than what you've already gotten from the others. Take your time with the transition and the learning curve associated with this kind of relationship, and grow. The nature of Dom (just like sub) may be found in the things we do, but it's really the something we are, and yet we all differ.
    sate sprie's experience is not uncommon. (ss - glad to hear about your journey also)
    Talk, Read, Live, Research, Define, Experiment, Talk..... Give him time to be
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Keep in mind that you've been fantasizing about this stuff for years, bur he hasn't. It will take time for him to develop confidence, technique, and his own fantasies.
     
  8. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    man, dont ask me!

    Its bad enough trying to hide it all from friends and parents!
     
  9. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    HAHAHAHA yes!!
     
  10. Awesome! I remember how hard it was to talk to my wife about it the first time. I still get nervous when talking to her about it. Glad you talked to him!
     
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Maso, you and your Dom could easily arrange a descrete set of protocols for use at social gatherings. You might be required to automatically refill his drink when it gets low, refill or dispose of his snack plate, and not sit on furniture (but instead sit on the floor by his knee when he sits).
     
  12. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

    I'm hoping my bf will take interest in keeping it going at social gatherings. We're a little lucky though, never have enough seats around for the whole family if they all come over :)
     
  13. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    Yeah its sort of hard for other people to understand that you're not being mistreated

    I wonder if its the same way for male subs
     
  14. J3Z

    J3Z New Member

    Well i dunno very much about this, but i˙d think that for male slaves it would be more mental abuse. Society still views men as the one that are suppose to be dominant and macho and all that. So i˙d imagine a male submissive would be branded as weak for submitting to a Dom or Domme.

    Of course people who know BDSM know the difference between submission and weakness.
     
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Maso, sadly, I've never had a real relationship with a sub. I only discovered my dominance back in Dec, had a brief quasi relationship with a sub who was never available and who had pretty big emotional issues, and I have been subless since then. I've played with subs, but have not yet found one to develop a serious relationship with.

    I think that in public, were I in something like a 24/7 situation, I would allow the boy to use my first name. His submission would be something of a secret. I really love the idea of being with a socially confidence and outgoing guy who's submissive to me in private, someone that no one would guess was submissive. On the other hand, if we were at some sort of BDSM function, it would be 'Sir'.
     
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