Taking things to the next level

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by decoyicus, Sep 6, 2010.

  1. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    Last night my GF really surprised me apparently she has been doing some research on BDSM and wants to start doing the more traditional Dom/Sub thing she mentioned a lot of things punishment and humiliation being what she was mainly talking about I think I can handle this but I am not sure about her. given her spontaneous leap from sensation play to full on BDSM I don't think that she has done as much research as she claims and doesn't know what she is getting into. also when I asked her why she suddenly wanted to make this big leap she avoided the question and when I started asking about her soft limits and hard limits she just said bondage was hard limit and didn't list anymore. this all leads me to believe that she is just doing it to please me obviously my pleasure is a main issue but not the only one from what I have red a successful Dom/Sub relationship should be based on mutual satisfaction and not just the needs of the Dom. I'm not really sure how to approach this situation if I say no and its what she really wants I will feel like a dick but if she is just doing it to please me this could fuck up the great relationship we already have. any advice guys ?
     
  2. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I hate to bump my own thread but I could really do with some advice
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    By "more traditional dom/sub thing", do you mean that she wants to do 24/7? That she wants to do whips and chains? It's hard to know exactly what she's asking, which makes it hard to offer real advice. Clearly, she wants to add some types of play that you haven't introduced yet. So at this point, my advice is to have a lot of conversations with her about what you want and what she wants. Also, don't try to do everything all at once. You're a new dom who's still learning the basics, and she's got a big emotional issue that needs to be navigated around. Rushing deep into 24/7 will probably get both of you into rough waters. But more detail about what she's asking for would help us.
     
  4. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    She is being a major head fuck at moment but from all the stuff she has been saying it sounds like she wants a semi 24/7 relationship if that makes sense she has been saying she wants to be my slave and for me to "own her" but with her career she needs to retain some independence. as for what she wants to do specifically she hasn't really told me she has just mentioned general areas(humiliation, training, punishment , rewards) which is what led me to believe that she hasn't done the research. I think you are right about ending up in rough waters, she is on her period at the moment and not really thinking straight she is pretty emotionally fragile right now so I am handling this very lightly. At the end of the day I just want us to be happy but its getting hard to know what she actually wants this is driving me fucking mental and I feel like a total cunt writing this but it is really testing our love. I don't know if that is enough info for you to get a better idea of my problem I'm going to try to talk to her again but I doubt I will get anywhere with the current state she is in .
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2010
  5. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I just tried talking to her this time I pressed her about the questions she had avoided and asked her what she actually wanted from our sex life it seamed like I was getting though to her until I ended up with a cup of tea thrown at my head I'm starting to get depressed about this and I am worried I might start drinking which will just make things worst I am sure you guys have had enough of my problems but this is getting me really down
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2010
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Decoy, it sounds like she has some pretty complex feelings right at the moment. She's having trouble explaining what she wants, she's volatile, and she's confused. Obviously I have no idea what's really going on inside her. But you're right to be weary of taking things too far at the moment. It sounds like she wants to go beyond bedroom bdsm. It's entirely possible for her to be in control business-wise but a slave otherwise. Lots of high-powered men and women who are socially aggressive crave submission either as a release from the pressures of their career or as a way to express another side of their personality.

    But given that you're pretty new to being dominant, you're probably not ready for a real 24/7 relationship, and given her emotional issues, she probably isn't either. You've been very focused on meeting her needs, but you haven't said too much about what you want. Do you want a 24/7 slave? Does that excite you? Does it 'feel right' for you? Remember, you're the dom. The relationship has to suit your needs and wants.
     
  7. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    feeling conflicted

    well this morning after a teary eyed apology and a lot of ass kissing I forgave her but she is still very emotional. I am a bit pissed off at her and still a bit sad as for my needs I spent most of the day thinking about what I want and where I want our relationship to go and honestly I am feeling a bit conflicted for the last 4 or 5 months we have been madly in love and doing the whole mushy couple thing I wouldn't really care if it stayed this way but we are both adults and things were inevitably going to get more mature she is a few years older than me so I suppose she figured this out before I did as for 24/7 the thought does excite me and her being my ever obedient slave does sound like fun but I think her sudden decision is a over reaction to something what that thing is I don't know maybe the fact that she is 26 on Sunday but I could be wrong I have been doing some real thinking about whether I want a 24/7 relationship and I think its a yes but for her I don't know and whether we are both ready or not is a completely different question I don't think she is ready and as for me I don't really know. I think I am going to call my rock(very old friend from my old town) and tell her all about it I doubt she will have any idea what I am going though or how to help me but talking to her always makes me feel better
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2010
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    You don't need to know the answer to my questions right away. 24/7 is a big step, and given that you're very new to bdsm, my advice is to go slow. Get your 'dom legs' doing bedroom bdsm before you jump into the much larger commitment of full-time dominance. If you want to be exploring stuff outside the bedroom, perhaps you should look at one or two things where she can submit to you, such as how she dresses or how chores get done. That will help address some of her cravings, give you some experience with wider control, and help both of you see if this is really what you want.
     
  9. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Also, if she's on her period, that's REALLY going to fuck up her emotions. Something small that isn't a big deal can get blown out of proportion when you're bleeding.
    I agree with Seb. And you don't sound like a cunt/dick, just frustrated and upset.
     
  10. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I think that you are right seb going straight to 24/7 is a big step and given how new as a dom I am I think there's a big risk I will end up in over my head. I spoke to my rock and although she doesn't know anything about BDSM she said that me and megan have to good of a relationship to fuck up just by trying to rapidly expand our sex life I think that like you said slowly expanding from the bedroom to small stuff is the best thing to do thanks for the help you are probably the nicest and most intelligent person I have met on the internet
     
  11. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    thanks for the kind words Tumbl3 she gets pretty bad PMS and with the stress of her job and this entirely new sexual world we are exploring I think she might just be going over the top because of her emotions but I'm not sure, how women think has never been my strong point
     
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Decoy, thanks for the very kind words. It's sort of amusing to hear that, given that deep down I'm really a sadist. Few things get me hotter than listening to a boy begging me to stop what I'm doing.

    Just take things slowly for now. If your gf is emotionally volatile right now, she will probably benefit a good deal from you being a firm, solid dom. Just tell her that you think the two of you need to take things one step at a time. You're the dom, so if you want to go slow at the moment, she needs to accept that. After she's calmed down, have another conversation about what she wants and go from there.
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2010
  13. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I think that if I start showing my dominant side out side of the bedroom start being an authority figure then begin with some small things around the house after she gets off her period this indulge her submissive side until I'm experienced enough to expand. she is at her sisters at the moment so I am pretty much just sitting her dwelling on it. whether starting with that stuff will help her or not is a mystery but I'm going to try all the stuff you suggested. I have also starting thinking that the reason she wants to make this leap is because her sex drive is bothering her she is always pretty horny when she is not on her period and likes to talk about sex and watch porn when she is. I could be totally wrong and its something completely different but I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what she is thinking
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2010
  14. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    It sounds like she is just PMSing. I would let her finish her period and then talk about this again. Try not to let it get to you too much. We girls are just psychotic and weird on our periods.
     
  15. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    she is usually horny and little bit emotional but its different this time I am definitely leaving this alone until she is done with it though
     

Share This Page