sumission or rape for me?

12345 · Aug 31, 2008

I am asking this community because I am tired of the answers from other communities which claim I was raped because physical force was used. Please do me the respect of answering in an honest manner.

My then partner called me his concubine, used the Bible as evidence that I should submit to him, forced me to give him blow jobs, have painful anal sex, bit my clit, tied me up, punished me when I was bad by spanking me, exposed me in public and demanded oral sex in public, wouldn't let me wear clothes, pulled my hair to make me do what he wanted, etc.

But I never told him no, I think he interpreted screams of pain as screams of pleasure, he was my husband, and I didn't leave for all that time. I didn't enjoy it but I did enjoy that he was sharing his fantasies with me.

I am trying to decide if this was a submissive/ dominant relationship because I am not comfortable calling it rape when I did what he wanted without saying no. I need to move forward from my flashbacks. I know you all will have a different perspective than everyone else. Please respond with your opinion- any opinion will help me think.

Kayrope · Sep 1, 2008

Personally I'd say I don't think it was rape. It might have been sexual assault, but like you said everyone's opinion will be different.

Did you get any pleasure from the things you did? My GF does things that she doesn't enjoy and there are some things she does that are painful (anal sex hurts her, no matter how much lube we use or how much preplay we do) but she does them because she knows I like them, not because I force her.

But we also use force in our play. Even though force is used, it isn't rape because it is consentual, and if she does use the saftey word then I will stop.

From what you mention it sounds like he was horribly mistaken about what was going on between the two of you, and he may have just make a mistake.

The religious aspect you mentioned, was he religious like that in every day, non sexual life? If he wasn't it might have just been an added kink to his fun and games. If he was, he may have actually believed what he said. In this case it isn't just a mistake. And I'd definately say it was bordering on rape.

Unfortunately you are the only person who knows deep down if he did rape you or not. From what it sounds like he didn't, you were just a submisive involved in sexual activities you didn't really enjoy.

But that's just my opinion.

Kayrope · Sep 1, 2008

What the heck? I voted submission yet the poll came back as rape? I'm sorry if I accidently messed up your poll.

nix · Sep 1, 2008

That's definitely sexual assault, and I would say that from that small byte of information that yes, that would stand up in a court of law as rape.

Yet another reason I'm a left-wing atheist. T_T

12345 · Sep 1, 2008

Thanks for the so far replies. I think no matter what, the Bible was misused in that context. I find your points on here interesting- they help me to think this through. It does seem I am going to need to be much more assertive myself in the future about stating my boundries. I love hearing thought out responses to this instead of just "force was used- it was rape."

screaminpeachez · Sep 1, 2008

I think the difference between the two is whether or not the acts are consensual. Sure, some may see silence as an act of consent, because they aren't saying No.
It's something that only the parties involved can ever really define. For many people the inability to protest is programmed response that is learned from prior abuse.

I don't really know exactly what to label that as.
Sometimes the pain I experience through subbing might "walk the line" of going too far. But I always have the ability to use a safe word and have my Master lighten up on me or stop all together. Some people may choose a No Limits relationship. But they choose that dynamic and agree to that prior.

I think that you may have enjoyed some portions of what your husband did to you. Quite honestly, it sounds pretty hot.
But I think that by you questioning it, you don't think that it was something that you chose.
For me. activities should truly satisfy both parties. (but that's just me).

My advice to you, if you like it: great. If you don't like it, renegotiate your boundaries.

venefica · Sep 8, 2008

If you did not say no or did not give any indication what he did was unwanted or not consensual then no, it was not rape. It might stand up in court as rape, but morally, i do not think it was.

InnocentLooks · Sep 11, 2008

I think that that is batshit crazy and, if you didn't ask for it to happen or enjoy it, incredibly wrong. It's most definitely abuse--mental and physical--whether you say no or not, however, it's not rape if you're of age and you didn't protest. It's a different kind of abuse, obviously, as he physically and mentally abused you without your request or consent, but rape isn't the kind of abuse it is.

If you are not emotionally happy with what he is doing to you and do not enjoy it, then it doesn't matter how much you love him or want him to share with you--you need to get the hell out of there. After that it's up to you whether or not you want to press charges for abuse or not, but you need to free yourself from something that isn't helping you be emotionally stable. The people here enjoy it, that doesn't make it right for everyone, and no one should choose for you whether or not you must participate in this lifestyle.

sumission or rape for me?

Submission or rape- I didn't say no

submission

rape

something else entirely

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