Sub Love

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by decoyicus, Feb 28, 2012.

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  1. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    Hi everyone I know I haven't been around much, but recently something has been weighing of my mind. My sumissive came to me about a week ago and told me that he is in love me , with the way he has been looking at me and all the sweet thingd he hs been saying I have no doubt in my mind thst he does loves me. My only problem is I do not love him, I have very strong feelings for him and our evenings toghether are one of the highlighs of my week.

    I'm really starting to feel guilty about this, I mean a beautiful young man tells you that loves you all his heart and the most I can come out with is "Strong feeling".
    I think I could love him with time, we have only been seeing each other for 7 months. I just wish I could have proper chat with him about this and avoid ruining this thing we have toghether. But with him and well me it's difficult to have a serious talk, he's 18 and I'm 19 so as you can imagine we both have sex on the brain at all times, also it's a the slave-master relationship we both enjoy it greatly and have no problems in the bedroom. But ever since he told me he loves me I don't what to think and have even less of a clue what to say to him.

    Any advice on my next move would be apreciated as curentless I'm clueless ?

    Also I would like to know if this sort of things is common in the DS community.
     
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    You can't control what you feel about your sub. You may grow to love him with time, or you may not. The only way to find out for sure is to give it a try and see what happens. If you do come to love him, it's great for both of you. If you don't come to love him, it will hurt him and you'll feel bad for leading him on. But that's the way love is. No guarantees.

    Complicating things is that you're both fairly young. At the risk of sounding patronizing, you are only just beginning to understand what you really like and dislike, what love means and how you experience it, and so on. And you're also just discovering what love is, how it can suddenly grow, how it twists and turns and so on. But the way to learn these things is to risk yourself and see where things go. Maybe pursuing this will crash and burn and you'll both get hurt. But maybe it will turn into something wonderful.

    So my advice is to go for it. Just be honest with him that you don't know what's going to happen. You don't exactly love him now, and you might or might not love him later. Make sure he's going into this eyes open.

    Good luck!
     
  3. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I'm all too familiar with love, I know what it's like to have your heart broken by someone you invested so many emotions into. I don't want to put him through that, he's been through too much in last few years for me to break his heart. I want to love him I really do, but I just don't.

    Why doe's love have to be so compilcated ?
     
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Because it's the only thing that truly matters.
     
  5. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Love happens. Better than the alternative. My feelings on it is that you can't rush it. You feel what You feel, and it'll happen the way it's supposed to happen. It seems to me, from your last post, that you've had your heart broken very badly before, and are extremely worried it will happen again. If that's the case, I would only caution of being too cautious, as you may miss out on the love of your life.

    Hope it helps, and good luck!!!
     
  6. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    This is tough. Just because you are young doesn't mean you don't know your own mind, though I think youth can intensify everything. I met my partner at 20 and we have been together for 10 years but it's definately had its ups and downs.

    I wouldn't want to be in your position, it must be awful not to want to hurt someone like that but you can't switch his emotions off so you have to decide to continue the relationship and hope for the best or end it now before his feelings get even stronger.
     
  7. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    I cant dump him not just like that, I like him too much and I would feel like a asshole, I taught him everything he knows about kink and to then discard him for falling in love with me, well I don't think I could live with myself.

    Yes I have been hurt in the past and it has made me cautious of getting too involved with someone emotionally. I could love him, I want to love him it's just, I don't know maybe I just need more time.
     
  8. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Sabastian made a point in the newbie FAQ of you have nothing but time. Also, he made a point in the thread I started (I think it was him) of a quote. It read it's sometimes a mistake to climb the mountain, but always a mistake not to try. He was referring to my, well, my wife and I's issues, but I thought it may be of some help. (I secretly think he's a psychologist.)


    This is completely off topic, but I had a relationship with a....ummm..... female, and it went sour after we had a kid. It's been 8 years since I saw him, and I saw him for the first time Saturday. Broke my heart when I had to leave him, and it hurt, badly. Even tried to end it all. Didn't work, obviously. Now I have 3 gorgeous kids, and my gorgeous wife, whom I've now shared a secret I've been carrying for over half my life, and we're making it happen. Secret being kink, all aspects of it. She's into it like I am.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is it's frigging hard having your heart broken. It's harder yet to open it up to vulnerability. For me, it was extremely hard. But, the silver lining is always there. And I'll leave it there before I sound more ridiculous.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2012
  9. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    I should probably note here it's easier to give advice looking at it than being in it. Take my post at it's worth.
     
  10. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    He'll be flattered
     
  11. Knots

    Knots Member

    I also think you should give it time. Some people can fall in love very quickly, others it happens more gradually and less "obviously" to the two parties.
     
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I am. I've occasionally thought that if I hadn't gotten my doctorate in history that I might have become a therapist. But the dom side of me would also be telling people what to do. So maybe I'd have to restrict my practice to BDSMers.

    Wow, now that I think of that, I'll bet there's a whole lot of BDSM play that could be adapted for therapeutic purposes...

    Getting back to Decoyicus' thread, I loved my ex-husband with all my heart. I was totally committed to making things work with him, and when he left me I was devastated. I came very close to suicide. It took me a long time to get past the depression he left me in. But, as painful as that was, I wouldn't give up my time with him for anything. The only way to never get hurt is to never live. Pain is part of life, and avoiding opportunities to avoid the risk of pain is cutting off your nose to spite your face.
     
  13. Knots

    Knots Member

    BDSM needs little adaption to be therapeutic; indeed, most doms/subs derive "therapeutic" benefits from play (self esteem boosts, stress relief, etcetcetc).
     
  14. decoyicus

    decoyicus Member

    "Getting back to Decoyicus' thread, I loved my ex-husband with all my heart. I was totally committed to making things work with him, and when he left me I was devastated. I came very close to suicide. It took me a long time to get past the depression he left me in. But, as painful as that was, I wouldn't give up my time with him for anything. The only way to never get hurt is to never live. Pain is part of life, and avoiding opportunities to avoid the risk of pain is cutting off your nose to spite your face."

    Well said Sebastian well said. I can relate my last "serious" relationship ended in shatters I think the only thing that held me together was the love and support of my sister. Even after all that pain I wouldn't go back and change it because I learned for it. I'm trying to open up and let my guard down so that I can love this boy as much as he does me but it's hard you know.
     
  15. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    One thing I was told is that your mind is excellent at sorting stuff out. I had to learn to not think about stuff that was bothering me, and my mind naturally sorted it out.
     
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