Start of training

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by drakic, Sep 19, 2013.

  1. drakic

    drakic New Member

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    My wife and I tried couple of bdsm scenes few times and it worked well. I use blindfold and tied her with some rope and cuffs acting like her master and she liked it. But she was tied in the way that she can untie herself anytime. That was the condition.

    Now, she is interesting in going forward with it, maybe even more than myself. Why? Because I don't know what to do. I know how to tie her because of my work but I don't know what to do and when. I know what result of my actions should be but I am not sure how to it in right way.

    So, I'll write you down some of problems and my ideas to solve them which you can upgrade with your advice.

    Using rope to tie her without chance to untie herself- She gets nervous if tying lasts for more than 1 minute. After long discussion she told me that I must move her attention to something else. To what? Anal plug, few slap on her ass or tits?

    Using clothespin and whip - she is afraid that they will hurt much and she runs when she see them. Should I tie her so that she can't run away? What will be the psyhic result of that?

    Using wax - Out of the question

    Using blindfold + gag - I'll try to persuade her to go to sexy shop and get gag for herself.

    Can you give me couple training scene examples for beginners so that I can achieve some level of obedience from her? I need it for my and hers self-confidence and to see the path I should walk.

    Help me with your ideas, please.
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2013
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Ok, the first thing to do is have a talk with your wife and figure out whether her various concerns (about being tied, about pain toys, etc) are of the "oh my god, no, I never want to try that!" variety or the "hmm, that's kind of sexy but also pretty scary, but I secretly might want to try that" variety. If they are in the first category, they're what we call "hard limits". A dom should always respect a sub's hard limits and never push on them without explicit prior consent (and by prior consent, I mean that you had a talk about it over coffee or something and she agreed to let you do it). If they are more the second kind, they're what we call "soft limits". Soft limits are things that maybe a dom can do to a sub, if you do introduce them slowly and with a lot of attention to how the sub is responding.

    So if she admits that maybe under the right conditions, she'd be willing to try being tied up without being able to untie herself, then work toward that. For example, you could tie her hands in front of her (so she could use her teeth to get out), but then have her lie back and cover her eyes with a towel for a few minutes. Then gradually work up to 15-20 minutes with a blindfold. Once she's comfortable with that, start tying her in a way she can't get out, but don't blindfold her, and just lie with her and reassure her that she's safe (maybe with a little gentle stroking of her body). Give her a safe word so that the moment she starts to feel truly nervous, she can use the safe word and you will immediately untie her without protesting. The idea is to slowly build up her comfort with being restrained.

    I can sympathize with your wife. I'm a bad bondage bottom--the moment I'm tied up I start worrying about what will happen if the person who tied me up has a heart attack, and that worry strips the bondage of all its erotic potential and just makes me nervous. So maybe your wife can learn to enjoy being tied up (for some subs, the nervousness is part of the arousal), but maybe she can't learn to accept it (for some people, like me, the nervousness just kills the arousal).

    Whips and wax are both fairly advanced forms of play. Don't think about exploring them until you and your wife are more experienced with bondage and pain play. But clothespins are pretty safe, and while some are pretty tight, others offer only a mild pinch. Get some of the cheap plastic ones you can buy at Walmart and Target and try them on yourself first. Try them on your earlobes, your lip, your nipples, the folds of your skin, your cock, and so on. As a dom, you ought to have an idea of what a particular pain toy feels like before you use it on your sub. Then try the same desensitization strategy I outlined for ropes. Have her lie still but untied and use a clothespin on one spot, like a nipple or a bit of belly skin. Tell her you'll take it off the moment she asks you to. No matter how long she lets it stay on, praise her for trying it and enduring it for a few moments. Do something sexy with her (kissing, stroking her, whatever you two enjoy) and then put the pin back on and tell her that you want her to endure it to the count of 10. Repeat the process with a count of 15. Praise her every time (most real subs respond well to being praised to enduring things just to please their master), because that will help her want to go further.

    When exploring pain play, it's important to realize that the nerves that carry pain are the same nerves that carry pleasure. They can't carry both signals at once. So if you prime the nerves to send pleasure signals (say, by licking her nipple), you can slowly shift over to pain (say, by biting her nipple), but you have to make the transition slow. If you go slowly, the body will feel pain, but it will tend to process it as pleasure. But if you go too fast, or take the pain up too high, the body will realize it's supposed to be processing pain and the experience will stop being pleasurable. So with pain play, the key is to go slowly and let the sub adjust to the sensations. Gradually the sub will learn how to handle more and more pain, so their pain/pleasure threshold will rise (although not all subs have the same capacity for growth in this fashion).
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  3. drakic

    drakic New Member

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    I must thank you for your answer. We tried few times simple bondage and clothespins and it was good, for both of us.

    We also speak a lot and finally agreed that it is time to move to something more advanced. She agreed that she will try to be my slave for one evening. I am happy as a dog with big bone but also scared that I will push her to far.

    I'll describe my idea for that evening expecting you folks to correct me.

    1. She is blindfolded and gagged (she even pick blindfold and gag by herself :D )
    2. She is standing, I kiss her, touch her and tie her hands behind her back
    3. Put some clothespin on nipples, tits and belly
    4. Stimulate her clit while slapping her. Before she had an orgasm, I stop playing
    5. I use a moment and tie her tits with rope. Also tie her hands to a ceiling so that she must bend over
    6. Fuck her, with closhespins on nipples, slapping her ass untill she come.
    7. Put anal plug and give her to suck
    8. Untie her from ceiling and tie her in frog tie or crab tie position
    9. Stimulate clit and anus for couple of orgasms
    10. Fuck her in ass and cum all over her
    11. Leave her in that position for about 15 minutes or more (I don't know why, it looks like a good idea :) )

    I know that I must change my plan if something goes wrong. I just hope that I will have strength not to push to far. She doesn't know about my plan, she can guess that it will include clothespins, gag, plug and rope but not in which way.
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2013

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