Some femdom advice please

mistressjess4433 · Aug 9, 2012

This is my first post, but I was married to a man for the last 7 years, we divorced and now I'm with a new man. The new man ( We will call him J ) is interested in being my submissive. My ex husband had me very into this, electro sex, beating, punishing him, cuckolding, all that good stuff

But with J he's never had anything but being tied up and wants to do other things. I've been so far into all the major things that I can't think of anything to start out with! I don't want to scare him away with it. I don't want to end up throwing too much out there at him to begin with. I've asked him what he would or wouldn't want to do and he answers with he has no idea because he's never done any of it. He did mention me using him as a bathroom, and that's something that took my ex husband 2 years to let me do, So here I am needing a little help with how to approach everything the correct way.

stanley_jeffries · Aug 10, 2012

Hi Mistress Jess,
What a lucky chap!

OK...same advice as I always give. Take it slowly. Just because he'd like to get involved in golden showers right away doesn't mean he's "ready for anything" - but I think you know that already.

Since you already have a lot of experience here are a couple of ideas that will let you start slowly, and perhaps help you develop your Domme skills too.

Chastity play. Did you try this with your ex? Do you think your new guy would go for it? If he does, then you need to turn him into your total slave while he's locked away. You take away his right to sexual release, but you still give him a lot of sexual attention. And you are totally pampered, of course. Foor worship...ass licking (if he's into golden showers, he will probably be into ass licking too). Deny him sexual release for a few days while you tease the living crap out of him. Then, if you feel he's earned it, you can allow him to masturbate. Perhaps he has to jerk off over your boots, and lick them clean...something along those lines. Then lock him away again right after he comes and cleans up his mess.
If you need something more "immediate" (or if chastity play isn't practical), how about an interrogation scene? Tie him up, find something mild to hurt him with (rubber band flicking is a good one), and get into some heavy word play. As he confesses various sins (real or imaginary), write them down. Use them in future sessions. Example..."Last time you told me you had fantasies about your mother's best friend...tell me about them."

Does that help?

Cheers,
Stanley

mistressjess4433 · Aug 12, 2012

Hey, well he has a chasity on. I had him buy one about 2 months back. I'm a bit confused about something with that though, my ex had one and he would do anything I said while he was in it. J won't. He looks at me like I'm completly nuts and then refuses. I know he needs punished. I'm not sure how to go about doing that though. I locked him in his kennel and wouldn't let him sleep or touch me for 2 weeks. The only time he got out was for work. He seems to be enjoying that. Then I made him satisfy me with a toy and eat my pussy for hours. He begged me to let him cum and I wouldn't let him. Then he goes about having a pity party with me! Saying that he doesn't think I love him anymore. I just don't know what to do about any of it. I deff don't want him to feel like I don't love him, because I do. He needs some MAJOR training. I have ordered several things online the past week. One of them being a tens unit with a urithera probe. I got several things from dungeon steel. He is just VERY disobediant. I really don't know how far he wants me to go. He won't have those conversations with me. He wants me to do it, but then disobeys me. It's crazy! My ex was on the same page as me 100%.

stanley_jeffries · Aug 12, 2012

Hmmm...yes, I have to say chastity normally has me pretty "focused" within a day or two. And it sounds like you're doing exactly the right things to keep his frustration level up.

How does he earn release from chastity? I think the consensus for most men is that to keep them interested in the possibility of release they need to come about once a week.

But that is just a suggestion. I've read postings from chastity slaves who haven't been allowed to come in a year or more (assuming one can believe them).

It sounds like you're imposing a pretty strict regimen. Have you made it clear to him that he can earn better conditions by behaving himself?

Two other suggestions:

www.orgasmdenial.com is a specialized chastity community. You may find good advice there.
This book was written by a female journalist about using animal training techniques to control her husband. It wasn't meant as a BDSM guide, but I think it has a lot of good suggestions. You can pick up a used copy for $5.

http://www.amazon.com/What-Shamu-Taught-About-Marriage/dp/0812978080/ref=pd_sim_b_7

And here's an article the author wrote about the book...

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewanted=all

Cheers,
Stanley

sebastian · Aug 12, 2012

Keep in mind that some subs become very passive when confronted with dominance, and others want to resist unsuccessfully. In terms of chastity, this means that some subs love the sexual nullification that comes with a chastity device, and therefore don't get hard or frustrated while in chastity, and others find chastity pleasurably frustrating and therefore want out of it, but love to be kept in it because it heightens your frustration. You need to figure out which sort your new guy is.

mistressjess4433 · Aug 13, 2012

Thanks for all the advice, When I put him in the chasity device which is a CB6000, he seems to enjoy it. He always wants to wear it but then wants out on his terms. I of course don't allow it to come off unless I say so. The longest he's wore it is for 16 days. While it's on I catch him looking at things on the web, it's never porn just bondage supply sites. He stays hard while in it. I hardly ever see it soft once it's on. It always drips while he's in it also. I've talked to him about prostate milking but he won't hear anything of it. I have told him he would be rewarded once he does what I ask, I've told him he would be punished if he didn't do what I asked. It's like he wants this lifestyle, but doesn't know how to take it. It seems to be like all he wants done is being kept in the device, denied pussy and tied up and teased. But with me, that all gets old very fast. I need more than that. He asks for more than that he just doesn't know what he wants. It's crazy. Of course he is very inexperianced in everything to do with sex. His last girlfriend would tie him up and leave him for hours to go do what she wanted to do. Sometimes she would lock him in the trunk for days. I think that has him worried a bit, I've explained to him I'm not the type to leave him tied up. If I'm home that's different. He had never ate pussy, he had only fucked in missionary posisition. Then he wanted to jump into BDSM where I am very experianced in. He just doesn't know how to take me. I'm trying hard to start slow, which is why I tied him up a few times, teased him, let him orgasim then I got the CB6000, I just don't want to do the wrong thing with him.

stanley_jeffries · Aug 15, 2012

Hmmm. Tricky.

I think there's only so much I can suggest without hearing his side of it. But he could hardly post here without you knowing it.

Would that work...asking him to post some of his feelings, knowing you'll see them?

Some people are able to express themselves more freely in emails or written notes, so it might be worth asking him.

Cheers,
Stanley

PS. One other option is to check out relationship counselling. Don't think of this as a "BDSM problem" - it's a "relationship problem".

Some femdom advice please

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