Some assistance for the inexperienced

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by FantasticSprite, Mar 28, 2010.

  1. FantasticSprite

    FantasticSprite New Member

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    First of all, hi everyone. This is my first post here, hopefully not my last...

    Anyway, I'll dive straight into it. I have a natural desire to be a Dom, it manifests itself rather frequently in my sex life, though also rather sporadically. I was comfortable just learning about the scene slowly, at my own pace...


    I ran into an amazing sub. She and I clicked on many levels, it seemed to be the beginning of an amazing relationship. She's a very intense person, but also has a -need- for submitting that other men she's been with just couldn't manage. Of course, my inexperienced, clumsy attempts in this arena were some kind of epic failure. The sex was great for both of us, but my attempt at being a Dominating figure outside of sex didn't work. I got nervous (for the first time in many years) and bungled both dates... I thought it was over right then and there.

    But she really likes me, still. We're giving it another attempt because the compatibility is there, there's some kind of connection, and in theory, if I learned to be a better Dom, this would work great. Mind you that sexually, she's satisfied, it's in the other aspects of life that I'm really failing as a Dom. I need to find myself with her if this is going to work, or else as she put it, this will devolve into Friends with Benefits, which I don't really want (She doesn't either, but at least we're honest with each other)...

    So of course I did the Google search, looked at the newbie resources, etc... Didn't really find the answer I was looking for. So I'm here, calling to anyone with a similar experience... I need advice, help, and it takes a great deal to swallow my pride and admit that. So yeah.. any advice?

    Thanks in advance,
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2010
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  2. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    Welcome to SMPlace, and it seems you actually have a very common issue. There are meny helpful posts with advice on this very site, I'm sure with a little browsing and reading you'll be spurned to creativity and have a wonderful date.
    The best advice anyone can give is communicate. Talk to her, openly and bluntly. Hold nothing back. Tell her exactly what your into and find out exactly what shes into, and somewhere in the middle, this leveled playing field with no guessing involved will help you find happiness. And don't stop there. A successful BDSM relationship is built on trust, and without constant communication about EVERYTHING, there will always be room for doubt.
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  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Hello. To build on what Sparrow said, be open and honest about your own level of experience. I'm pretty new to domming as well, and when I play with guys, I let them know that I'm still learning. That takes some of the pressure off me to 'get it right' and it helps me relax and have some fun. When you finish doing a scene with her, ask her to be honest about what worked, what didn't, and what you might try to improve. I have yet to meet a sub, even an experienced sub, who wasn't receptive to helping me learn. One or two have merely talked with me and given advice, but most have played with me and given feedback. Being openly new also gives me the freedom to turn down a sub's request if I'm uncomfortable with it, because I can always say that I don't know how to do a particular thing safely yet. (Granted, the dom can always refuse, but this strategy helps build you sub's confidence that when you do something, you know what you're doing.)

    Another thing to remember is that her desire to be dominated will work for you. As you dom her, her mind is trying to fill in the weak spots and blanks with her fantasy of what being dommed is like. So she's giving you the benefit of the doubt. Again, that takes pressure off you to be perfect. And if she reacts strongly (in a positive way) to something you're doing, build on that, because you've got something that's working.

    When I play, I always try to plan out the scene ahead of time, at least in outline. That allows me to prepare whatever I can, so that I'm ready. "Ok, after I greet him, I'm gonna spend a while intimidating and verbally abusing him. Then I'm gonna turn him around and frisk him, cuff him, and lead him to the bedroom. So I have to make sure that I have my cuffs on my belt." Just don't expect the scene to go exactly as you plan, and don't get too flustered when something goes wrong. The first thing my mentor taught me was how to tie a guy's hands behind his back, and a couple days later, when I hooked up with a guy, I was all set to use what I had just learned. But when I got the guy up against the wall, hands behind his back, I discovered that his arms were too short for him to fully cross his wrists. I tried two or three times to tie his wrists before realizing that it just wasn't going to work. So I thought, "Shit. So much for that plan. Better break out the leather cuffs and do it that way." That worked like a charm. And because I had already warned the guy that I was still learning, he wasn't upset at all. He told me afterwards that this happens every time he plays with a new dom. I realized as I reflected on it that instead of tying his wrists across each other, I could have tied a rope to each wrist and then tied the ends together with his wrists as close as possible. So look at mistakes and failures as learning opportunities rather than a sign that you can't do this.

    If you can, find a dom in your area who is willing to teach you. Ask if you can just watch a session, or if you can be an assistant dom following the mentor's guidance. Some doms, like my mentor, like to occasionally sub and teaching gives them an excuse to do it while keeping their reputation as a dom intact. Other doms will offer you the chance to sub for them, so you can learn from the bottom. In fact, in the gay community, that was pretty much the rule in the 1960s and 70s. Doms were expected to 'work their way up from the bottom.' (Older gay doms often feel that the younger doms haven't 'earned their flogger' because they didn't train this way.) Or perhaps a dom will agree to watch you with your sub and offer feedback. Virtually every sub fantasizes about having two doms at once, and many love the idea of having an audience, so your sub may agree to that.

    Focus on one or two skills that you feel most confident in. If you're good with your voice, practice verbal activities. If bondage calls to you, do some reading on it (safety is very important here, so make sure you know the safety basics), practice tying knots, practice tying your legs together, and so on. Starting with your strengths will help build your confidence and give you a foundation from which to explore other activities. You might start with some lighter, 'romantic' domination before moving to something more harsh because it's probably closer to skills you have already developed in the course of dating.

    Good luck. Don't get discouraged. Unless you're a prodigy or a sociopath, this stuff takes time and practice.

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