Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by demonoid.vessel.666, Mar 16, 2011.

  1. demonoid.vessel.666

    demonoid.vessel.666 New Member

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    Not that I'm in this situation (just curious) is anyone in a relationship where only one is really into bdsm but the other isnt but is willing to do what pleases their partner because they love them? If so, what is it like? does the one into bdsm feel guilty that their partner isnt into it fully? Does the not into it really mind submitting to their partners fantasies? Or do you actually resent them for it?
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    I would grow to resent it, but it depends. If they were submissive, I'd feel worse for not being able to fulfill desires, but wouldn't want hurt them, and if they grew resentful, then I'd leave. If they were dominant, and I could't put up with whatever they subjected me to (honestly, if my master brought public humiliation in, I'd be done pretty fast now, but we both agreed against that), I'd prbably be more resentful, because it' something they're forcing on me moreso, in a way? I don't know exactly what I mean, so I do apologize.

    Either way, those opinions are definitely restricted to my own feelings, and I doubt your partner would agree quite, especially not being familiar with BDSM. I'd say they'd first feel bad for not fulfilling your fantasies, but grow to resent if they were coerced into it too often or if you bitched about them not doing it. But I can't put words in anyone's mouth.

    I think the most fair thing you could do would be to indulge both. If you can enjoy vanilla sex, I'd suggest you do that with mild elements of bdsm, and have days without any, for your partner, and days where you get to have your fantasies, for yourself. You can also try slowly exploring, in hopes of finding something you can both enjoy fully.
    No matter what you decide, you'll want to keep open communication about who enjoys or doesn't enjoy what, vanilla or SM. Otherwise, you'll both grow resentful.

    Edit: So, I read that 'Now that I'm in this situation' not 'Not that I'm etc', so sorry for my wording
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2011
  3. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

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    Doing something you are not into is never a good idea, especially when it comes to sex. Remove the BDSM element and look at just sex, and your question is essentially if there a people willing to let themselves be raped (or rape) by their partner in order to keep the relationship going. While that does happen rather frequently (arranged marriages, fear of public fallout, religious reasons), I have yet to meet a person who was truly happy in that situation.

    None likes to do something they do not want. The situation you describe would leave both partners unfulfilled and wanting something else entirely. Analogue answer, how many gay people are happy if they are married and sexually engaged with an opposite sex partner? Again it happens, but it doesn't lead to happyness.

    Love is not all you need, sadly. If one partner is into BDSM and the other isn't, its best to let the relationship go. Personally, I could not be with a woman who is not into BDSM plain and simply because her 'adapting to my needs' would feel like rape. I could never do that.
  4. HelenaB

    HelenaB New Member

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    I agree with everything P S Eudonym has said. I can relate to that and it makes you feel bitter towards the person you are trying to please. It cannot work long term. The damage it does to both parties is too great.

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