Shy and can't talk about BDSM

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Heather988, May 7, 2013.

  1. Heather988

    Heather988 New Member

    I dont know how rough he is getting but I am going thru a similar situation myself. my bf is dom he has tried to talk to me about it but I kinda act like your bf...he doesnt get to aggresive at all but when he mentioned these things over a year ago I said there was no way even tho I wanted to n I wish he would do more but im very shy n dont know how to talk about it my bf has mentioned to me other stuff hes done b4 that I would love but he wont do it cuz ive told him no n like to play hard to get ive even tried opening up to him a lil n he seems oblivious...bascially the point im getting at is im to shy to talk about it cuz ive always been sheltered n thought of sex as being a loving romantic experience n I just am still uncomfortable with the fact that I like to feel helpless or dominated or a lil roughness.maybe he doesnt want to talk cus hes uncomfortable with talking about the limits. n I have after a good time ramdomly bite my man out of like a saitisfied adrenalin hyper rush on lets saythe leg n cuz hes so sensitive after n im have such a ruch he has yell at me n said I have hurt him n I havent even ment to...home this helps somehow
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2013
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Heather: So you want to engage in BDSM play, and your bf wants to do it too, but you told him no because you're shy. But occasionally you bite him during sex to the point that he yells at you. Do I have that right?

    I'm going to be blunt here because I think you need it. If I were your boyfriend, I'd leave you. Here's why:
    1) He wants to do BDSM and you say you don't. That means you're sexually incompatible with him. He'd be better off with a gf who shares his sexual interests.
    2) You're unable to talk about what you really want, and instead you lie about what you want. Granted, he maybe doesn't know you're lying, but you are. So instead of an honest conversation about his needs and your needs, you resort to lying because you're uncomfortable being honest about what turns you on. Instead, you seem to be hoping that he'll magically read your thoughts and be rough with you. So he gets to risk being an asshole to give you what you want so you get to pretend you don't want what you want.
    3) You say you don't want BDSM but then you bite him so hard he yells, and you do it unconsensually. So instead of doing consensual BDSM, you resort to what is technically abuse.

    All three of these things suggest you're a bit of a mess, and put them together and they're a flashing red light that you're not ready to be in a relationship. You might be shy, but that's not really your problem. Your problem is that you don't want to admit what your turn ons are so instead you're resorting to a variety of games designed to get you want without having to give him what he wants, which is apparently a healthy, consensual BDSM relationship. You're not being shy--you're being emotionally manipulative.

    Ok, I'm going to stop being harsh, because hopefully I've gotten your attention. Here's where I become supportive. Admitting you enjoy BDSM can be difficult and frightening; accepting that you enjoy being submissive can be very difficult because it flies in the face of what we've been taught is acceptable. But it's a fear that you need to face if you want to get the BDSM play you seem to want. And your bf says he wants it to, so if you admit to him that you want to explore it, there's no real risk of rejection. So you're not actually risking anything by admitting it to him.

    But you have to take the first step. It looks like he's doing the responsible thing here. You haven't consented to BDSM, so he's not giving it to you. Because if he gives it to you without your consent, it's A CRIME. We call it domestic abuse and depending on exactly what he does, you could get him arrested. He doesn't want it legally, he doesn't want it ethically, and he doesn't want it romantically. He wants to be a loving partner. So trying to goad him into doing it is wildly unfair to him.

    So stop clinging to your shyness and tell him you want to explore BDSM. Go slow so that you don't get overwhelmed. But tell him what you actually want. Don't try to push him into it without admitting you want it. Nothing good is going to come out of that.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2013
  3. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

    Hey heather!

    I was reading your post because I thought there's someone else out there who is shy and can't talk so easily about BDSM. Your post was a bit disturbing for me though. I think Sebastian was right in his post. But I'll try to help you guys!
    I'm pretty shy in sexual matters too. I have a hard time of actually naming the things I enjoyed aloud and discussing it. The difference to your approach is that I tried to figure out a way how to tell him what I enjoyed.
    We've discussed things and came to the conclusion that I could write it all down in a sort of diary, to which he has access of course. This means I don't have to say it out loud for now but eventually he would want me or you to say it out loud too. But this is a kinda nice way to tell your bf without struggling too much.
    Writing is much easier than saying things aloud because you can pretend no one will ever see the things you wrote in paper. Except of your bf of course.

    Just think about this because it worked out very well for me. After writing things down I found it easier to talk about it later.

    Just admit your likes, preferences to yourself first.
     
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  4. I was shy as well. I didn't really talk much about bdsm with my partner until after 2yrs. I got up the guts, but the easiest way was to text. Got a bunch out and then before so long it was easier to talk about. Something else I'd read about working well is email. A short letter to your partner, but you both agree that you have to wait 48hrs to respond to it. Takes time, but that's a good thing if you are worried about freaking someone out. If there is confusion or shock on their part there is enough time to let it settle in. 2 days is enough time for someone to get used to an idea, research it and respond accordingly.

    Hope this helps and you find a way to communicate everything!
     
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Hey, Cuffy--good to see you back here!
     
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  6. Heather988

    Heather988 New Member

    first of all I was posting this as a comment to something someone else had posted but it must not have went up. I was trying to help her maybe have an understanding of why her boyfriends won't talk to her about things but before I read anyone's posts the day I posted this I made a nice letter for my boyfriend we talked about it and sends things have gotten very interesting and then a lot more fun. honestly I came on this site with the hope of getting some advice not for people to come at me like I'm some kind of weirdo. also my boyfriend says the only reason he is bothered by the biting is cuz it happens after not during and he is too sensitive to handle it I'm not being abusive.


    Plus Sebastian I failed to mention the fact that I have slightly talked to him about things and because I said no a year ago he no longer wanted to push the issue because he thought I was just doing it for him. We love each other very much and are becoming more open but not thanks to your comments. and thank you to the ladies for being more kind n more understanding
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2013
  7. Thanks Sebastian. I'm glad to be back.
     
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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Heather: We can only respond to what you choose to tell us. Omitting details such as the fact that you are talking about it creates a strong impression that you're playing head games. And that's why I took the approach I did. BDSM is full of a lot of pitfalls, and there are plenty of people out there who don't realize or won't admit what they're doing wrong, and these people need a little confrontation. As I said in the post, I thought you needed that approach, and I always said I was trying to be supportive. I'm sorry that it didn't come through that way.
     
  9. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Heather- I moved the post out of that thread because no one had posted in that thread in over two years (which I explained to lovebitten several posts above yours; you probably should read the updates to that thread as lovebitten's responses may be enlightening).

    I think Sebastian has said everything I would already (and really politely, I'm not really sure why you got offended). You cannot expect us to be mind readers, and you are the one who implied that abuse was present. Sebastian just put the label on. We only have your posts to go off.

    If you don't like advice, fine, but don't ask if you are going to get upset at anyone who calls you wrong and read what they say with your emotions instead of logic. If you just want to be told you're right, write a note to yourself and stick it on the mirror.

    ETA- My greetings to Cuffy as well (and you're a lady now, according to this thread! Exciting :p)

    ETA again- Yes, the forum mod gets really pissed when people ask for advice then get angry or butthurt when it is given. I think this is one of the most emotionally charged posts I've written in a while.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2013
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  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    "ETA- My greetings to Cuffy as well (and you're a lady now, according to this thread! Exciting :p)"

    Wait, did I miss an announcement, Cuffy? If so, wow! That's a big decision. Congratulations!
     
  11. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    By the same (fallacious) argument I just made I'm a man, because ladies are nice. I thought we could use a tension breaker, and my new dick is it.

    (Also, I cleaned up the spam, I have no idea why it's everywhere lately)
     
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Oh, you were joking? I totally missed that. D'oh!
     
  13. I'm a lady now? News to me! Also: I'm confused!
     

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