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Heather: So you want to engage in BDSM play, and your bf wants to do it too, but you told him no because you're shy. But occasionally you bite him during sex to the point that he yells at you. Do I have that right?
I'm going to be blunt here because I think you need it. If I were your boyfriend, I'd leave you. Here's why:
1) He wants to do BDSM and you say you don't. That means you're sexually incompatible with him. He'd be better off with a gf who shares his sexual interests.
2) You're unable to talk about what you really want, and instead you lie about what you want. Granted, he maybe doesn't know you're lying, but you are. So instead of an honest conversation about his needs and your needs, you resort to lying because you're uncomfortable being honest about what turns you on. Instead, you seem to be hoping that he'll magically read your thoughts and be rough with you. So he gets to risk being an asshole to give you what you want so you get to pretend you don't want what you want.
3) You say you don't want BDSM but then you bite him so hard he yells, and you do it unconsensually. So instead of doing consensual BDSM, you resort to what is technically abuse.
All three of these things suggest you're a bit of a mess, and put them together and they're a flashing red light that you're not ready to be in a relationship. You might be shy, but that's not really your problem. Your problem is that you don't want to admit what your turn ons are so instead you're resorting to a variety of games designed to get you want without having to give him what he wants, which is apparently a healthy, consensual BDSM relationship. You're not being shy--you're being emotionally manipulative.
Ok, I'm going to stop being harsh, because hopefully I've gotten your attention. Here's where I become supportive. Admitting you enjoy BDSM can be difficult and frightening; accepting that you enjoy being submissive can be very difficult because it flies in the face of what we've been taught is acceptable. But it's a fear that you need to face if you want to get the BDSM play you seem to want. And your bf says he wants it to, so if you admit to him that you want to explore it, there's no real risk of rejection. So you're not actually risking anything by admitting it to him.
But you have to take the first step. It looks like he's doing the responsible thing here. You haven't consented to BDSM, so he's not giving it to you. Because if he gives it to you without your consent, it's A CRIME. We call it domestic abuse and depending on exactly what he does, you could get him arrested. He doesn't want it legally, he doesn't want it ethically, and he doesn't want it romantically. He wants to be a loving partner. So trying to goad him into doing it is wildly unfair to him.
So stop clinging to your shyness and tell him you want to explore BDSM. Go slow so that you don't get overwhelmed. But tell him what you actually want. Don't try to push him into it without admitting you want it. Nothing good is going to come out of that.
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