Should I feel jealous?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MadDogsBunny, Mar 9, 2015.

  1. MadDogsBunny

    MadDogsBunny New Member

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    I have been with my Master, soon to be husband, for 5 years now. We are getting married next spring. Within the past year, he has been talking to other slaves online, and on the phone. He flirts, sends pictures back and forth, and even cares deeply for one or two of them. When I came into this relationship, I didn't know he was one to take on other slaves. He tells me he is looking for other slaves for me to play with, but I have yet to talk or get to know any of them. Most I have no attraction to, and the others I have nothing in common with, or don't even contact me. Ideally, I would like my master all to myself, but I don't see that happening anymore. He's a social person. He loves talking to other people, and he's happy. We are happy! He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He tells me he loves me every day! But every time I hear his phone ring, he ventures into a different room to talk to a girl, and my heart breaks a little. He catches me cry every now and then and doesn't understand why this hurts me. Then he gets stressed out. Should I feel jealous? Is this okay? I want to do anything I can to make him happy, but this hurts me evet time. Should I grin and bear it? I need another slave and master's opinions. Please and thank you.
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    Before I begin, honestly, parts of this sound eerily similar to 50 Shades of Abuse's deconstruction of abuse, but unfortunately I can't link it. However, I suggest you read as many links on the side bar of it as you can click (especially ones about BDSM relationships in general, not just 50 shades. While the blog is now down, the resources on unhealthy relationships and abuse are still there. Oh, here's another thing.

    And, while I repeat it below, I'll say again- if you think 'abuse' is too harsh a word for some reason, then replace it with 'meanness' or something and keep reading. Don't use terminology as a means of avoiding answers.

    First off, sort this out before you get married. It is making you cry regularly. That is not okay. In the context of this comment, I do not care whether you decide that you're okay with him doing this, or whether he has to stop, or a compromise, or you break up. Just don't get married until it is sorted.

    a) Then yes, you are right to feel jealous, because he started breaking the original protocols of your relationship without telling you. If you were vanilla, not in a M/s situation, and suddenly you found out your partner was having relationships with other women, and he said 'yeah, I'm polyamorous,' and offered no further explanation or compromise, you would think that was pretty fucked up, yeah?
    b) This is also a huge red flag. He changed the protocols of your relationship without telling you. This very likely signifies that he doesn't really care what protocols are set up (or will look for loopholes, such as 'well you never explicitly asked me to be monogamous, so this is fine,' like he is doing right now. That could also be 'well we never decided I couldn't set you up with my friends,' or 'hey, you passing out crying wasn't our safeword, I was free to do whatever I wanted afterward.')

    This is a big red flag too, and not just for you. Lots of lesbian and bi subs get male tops contacting them, claiming the girl they have wants to play with other subs, as a means of seeming less threatening. As well as it being manipulative ("but I'm just doing this thing that you don't like or really even want for you, why don't you appreciated it"), it is a signifier for other bad behaviour, like with the ladies not interested in men listed above.

    Why? You are allowed to have what you like just as much as he is. I honestly do not think this is about your D/s status at all, but that is a large part of what BDSM is about- the dom gets to live out his fantasies of topping someone, and the sub gets fulfillment in their bottom role. It is supposed to be mutually satisfying, not just the dom getting whatever the fuck they want.

    But again, I really don't think this is about BDSM. This is about him valuing his wants high, high above you in a relationship.

    You can be social without having multiple relationships. Not to say there's anything wrong with polyamory, but, as generally understood by the polyamorous community, polyamory is a relationship where both (or all) initial/primary partners mutually (there's that word again) agree to be polyamorous, and enjoy it, whether it is multiple partners for both/all of them, or just one, or a triad, or what. You didn't mutually agree, and you don't enjoy it, so I would not call your relationship polyamorous- at best, it's an incredibly unhealthy polyamorous situation.

    As put quite succinctly by bipolyamorist on tumblr:
    "An unhealthy poly relationship has unhealthy dynamics in it, which can include coercion, hidden insecurity/jealousy, unaddressed dislike of metamours, and more.

    Cheating, aka having multiple non-platonic partners without informed consent from all involved, isn’t polyamory at all. It’s just cheating. There can be cheating in poly relationships, but the cheating part still isn’t polyamory. It’s still cheating."

    And should we use these definitions rather than mine, it is both.

    You don't sound happy.

    This is also a huge, huge red flag, on your side. Why (and how?) is he the best thing that happened to you? Why is a romantic relationship, especially with someone who doesn't even respect you enough to discuss these things, that important to your life?

    It shrieks of low self esteem, and of a one sidedness in how much this relationship matters. It's also another red flag for abuse, because abusers (even mild ones, or even only verbal ones, or even not-quite-abuse ones, if you refuse to apply the original word to him) love to have partners that think they would be nothing without them.

    I highly doubt that he doesn't understand. I highly, highly doubt that he managed to grow up without observing, even on TV, the average relationship where there are only two people and one unexpectedly doing things with someone else was not okay.

    However, if somehow he genuinely does not understand, that means you have to tell him why, if you mean to stay with him.

    This is also a red flag. That you're worrying about talking about things because of his stress, and this also is worded eerily similar to recollections of abuse ("He's not abusive, he just hit me because I was asking about our money problems and I stressed him out, he wouldn't do it normally.") That, unlike most of my observations, is reading in quite frivolously, but I do think the comparison stands.

    - I can't say how you should feel, but it is a reasonable situation to feel hurt and jealous in.
    - No, it's not okay.
    - No, do not grin and bear it. All relationships, especially kink and poly, are rooted in good communication. Even if you won't stop him or leave him, you both need to hash this out and figure out why he didn't tell you when your relationship began, whether it is a dealbreaker, and more. You also need to find out if you need STD testing. And moreover than for communications sake, you do not need to grin and bear it when someone is doing something to hurt you.

    At best, he seems coercive and disrespectful. It seems very likely to me that it is more than just those.

    For reference, I'm a 24/7 sub and my partner might come comment as well (he doesn't come on the forum much, but if you need a dom or master to answer, I'm sure he will). I'm sure Sebastian will answer too.

    But for more than reference, here's a suggestion: Go ask the "Ask a Female Questions" group on Fetlife this exact question. Just copy/paste it over. They are a diverse group, although primarily women (there are a few men and nonbinary people in the group who chime in as well, but it's primarily females, as per the title). Tops, bottoms, masters, slaves, doms, subs, owners, pets, switches, and more, plenty of whom are poly or experienced with poly.
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2015
  3. MadDogsBunny

    MadDogsBunny New Member

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    Thank you so much for the detailed response. I have to think about some things...Master and I have talked about why this hurts me several times now. He asks why this is different than any other friendships he has. I do not know. He has other girl friends that he talks to that are not in the SM community and I am perfectly fine when he talks to them! I know them, and have hung out with them. Why am I jealous when he talks to, specifically slave girls?

    Master is my best friend. We laugh, we play, we tease eachother. He is chivalrous and dorky at the same time. We go out to dinner with friends, all that stuff. We have a house and two kittens. We are a disgustingly cute couple. Yet after all that, when he talks to other slaves, I get so sad. I know he likes to make friends, but why her?

    To clear things up, he never met any of these girls. Everything is just talking online or on the phone. Are my feelings still rational?
  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    Online relationships are still relationships, and what you're describing (flirting, photo swapping, etc) doesn't sound like just friendship (I'm assuming he doesn't do that with his non SM friends?). That he has talked to you about it makes it a bit less red-flag-y, but you still sound completely reasonable to me.
  5. Meegs

    Meegs Active Member

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    yes you should
  6. MadDogsBunny

    MadDogsBunny New Member

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    Thank you for your help and knowledge. We had a long tear filled talk last night, both of us crying. We're trying to help eachother feel better and work through this. I told him that I can't stay in this relationship if it if going to continue like this. We have to figure things out. Thanks you again.

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