should I dare to experiment??

sweetling91 · Dec 30, 2012

Sebastian. I really, really thank you for your last advise. I guess I really did need someone to talk to and to seek advise from, since I feel very uncomfortable to talk to my friends about my curiosity, longing....
I'm a little ashamed to admit that at first I didn't really expect to find any helpful advise here but I figured that it can't hurt me to try. And now I have all those assurances that I can only win with trying.
I think I will soon try some of your suggestions.

And again: thank you, thank you, thank you

stanley_jeffries · Dec 30, 2012

When I lost my virginity it was, as Sebastian suggested, a bit of a disappointment.

I had to wear a condom, and (for a kinky guy) I actually don't like the smell of latex - visually I love girls in latex, but the smell is a huge turn-off for me.

So for me to get hard enough to wear the condom we had to go a certain way along in terms of stimulating me. The end result was that I came almost as soon as I entered my girlfriend, and I was too caught up in the embarrassment to just laugh it off and make sure she enjoyed the moment.

We were lucky we were able to eventually see the funny side of it, but it was a lesson to me that if you focus so much of your expectation on a single moment then disappointment is actually hard to avoid.

The fact that we are bombarded by the media telling us how "wonderful that special moment will be" only makes things worse.

I was very much in love with the lady I to whom I lost my virginity (she was a virgin also - and that kind of explains the fact we were both clueless). But I wish I had handled the moment in a more experienced way.

By the way - it was a totally "non-kinky" experience. Thank goodness - I don't think I could have handled much more complication!

These days there are so many ways that couples can have sexual pleasure without penetrative sex. I suppose the whole HIV threat has made it cool to experiment with non-conventional ways to please each other.

By all means treasure the moment you lose your virginity, but please don't focus too much expectation on that moment.

I don't know anyone who would say that the moment they lost their virginity was the best sex they'd ever had. Thank goodness!

Cheers,
Stanley

Smallest · Dec 30, 2012

Sweetling- Tall and I played kinkily together for a fair while before we had sex. We used blindfolds, restraints, light impact play, that sort of thing. Sebastian goes into greater detail, so I don't have to, but it is certainly possible.

Also, remember that before you have genital/genital sex, there is always fingering/jerking him off, oral, toys, etc. Losing your virginity might include those to you (it's a fairly vague term, and as long as everyone knows they can get STDs from any kind of sex, I don't care about the definition), but they are options for before you have sex that might make it more pleasurable for both of you. The amount of couples who never even see each other naked more than a few minutes before penetration astound me.

I agree with the others, by the way- losing your virginity can be a monumental occasion, but more often, it is not. When I did, we (particularly me) were horny and playing otherwise. It was actually pretty great, but it wasn't a bed covered in rose petals and champagne and whispering I love you or whatever (though I lost my virginity to Tall, and we did/do love each other). I just mean to say that though it was good, it wasn't romantic, exactly. Like Stanley, we were both virgins, but I wouldn't say we were clueless. We had taken things slowly, which did not mean 'we waited for the perfect moment,' but rather that we took months and months learning about each other's bodies from the lips down, so when we did have sex, we both knew how to please each other.

I'm going to edit this to make more sense and have more details later.

sweetling91 · Dec 30, 2012

Hi Smallest and Stanley
Thank you for telling me how it was for you to loose your virginity. I hope I can get my experience to be a bit pleasurable as was yours Smallest. I actually do know that for most people especially women, the first penetration can be very painful and unromantic. Many of my friends tell me that they didn't really like their first experience but that it helped if they build up to it slowly. I do value my virginity but I'm prepared to be disappointed, now more than ever thanks to you. By value I mean that I want my first time to be with a guy I feel comfortable with. I just wanted to see if I could experience some kink without getting hurt during the process since I'm still virgin and don't have a significant other right now.

Smallest · Dec 31, 2012

I think that if you lose your virginity within a loving long term relationship (which is up to you, but sounds like what you want), you should enjoy it. Maybe the penetration won't feel great, but the foreplay, or the cuddling after, or something should make it a good experience, whether or not it actually feels momentous. I'd think 'imperfect, but still good' is a good expectation to have, since even if 'disappointed' means 'cookies instead of ice cream' it still sounds like something, well, bad. If you are entirely disappointed, there will be some things needing discussion

As we've all said, there are ways to explore it though, and good on you to be so open minded with our suggestions.

stanley_jeffries · Dec 31, 2012

I think my advice would be...

Find a nice guy that you know you can trust.
Early on in the relationship make it clear that you're a virgin - but not a prude. You are more than happy to explore sexual pleasures, but there are no promises about penetrative sex.
Explore the whole foreplay, oral sex, mutual masturbation side of things. These do not go away when you begin to have penetrative sex - they are part of helping the whole act of love making be more pleasurable for both parties.

Step 1 is the most important, but by exploring other aspects of the sexual experience you will take the heat away from that moment when you decide you are ready.

Cheers,
Stanley

sebastian · Dec 31, 2012

I think it would help if you told us what being a virgin means to you, Sweetling. Do you define it medically, as having an intact hymen, or do you define it in a relatively technical sense, as never having been penetrated, or do you define it broadly, as never having done anything physically sexual, or do you give it a more spiritual definition, as never having done anything sexual with another person at all? There is something to recommend all of these options, so knowing which one you're using will help us give you guidance.

sweetling91 · Dec 31, 2012

It's kinda emberassing but I've never ever done anything sexual at all except trying for masturbation which didn't go well at all. You see, I can get myself all excited but I can't seem to get myself off on my own and I've never done anything sexual with a boyfriend yet because I don't feel comfortable enough with them.

Smallest · Jan 1, 2013

None of us would mind that you are inexperienced; I think it is more that Sebastian wants to figure out ways to play that preserve your virginity as much as you want to.

Also, don't feel embarrassed about masturbation not working out, I'm sexual as hell and have issues playing alone other than, as you say, getting excited. If you want to experiment yourself, I'd suggest getting toys (penetrative or not depends on how you feel about what virginity is, but both are good anyway), but even the desire to try is up to you.

sebastian · Jan 1, 2013

Sweetling, don't feel embarrassed about not having done anything sexual yet. There is no requirement for you to be sexual until you feel ready to be, and you can go at whatever pace you choose. Being a virgin is really only a problem if you feel it is. So go at whatever pace feels right to you. Since you're nervous about this, I would suggest spending time doing two things.

1) Date a guy that you like and feel comfortable with. Don't rush into full-out sex until you feel comfortable doing that. Any decent guy will understand your inexperience and be patient and help you explore as you feel ok with it.

2) Spend some time exploring your body and getting comfortable with it. Spend a while looking at your naked body in a mirror. Don't judge what you see, just look at it and accept whatever features you see. Then take a long hot bath or shower and focus on your sense of touch. Feel the water and the heat and the heat and the steam. Touch your breasts, your vagina, your butt, and the rest of your more sexual parts and just think about what feels good to you. You might use some to slick up your body and indulge that feeling.Then do some masturbation, either with your fingers or with a simple toy like a vibrator or a dildo (don't use things like food or plunger handles or other objects not designed for erotic play). The purpose is not to have an orgasm, but just to discover what sensations feel pleasurable to you. Masturbate as much as like you and don't judge yourself if you don't have an orgasm. My understanding is that a woman's sexual parts are more complex than a man's sexual parts, and discovering how your particular parts work isn't going to happen overnight.

The idea here is to work on understand your body and what pleasures you, and not make yourself feel bad because you can't cum or because you don't look like a supermodel or because you're not further along sexually than you are. Just learn to accept that you are where you are physically and sexually, and that you'll move at whatever pace feels right for you. You decide what you want to do and how you're going to do it and who (and what) you're going to do it with. When you're ready, things will start to fall into place. You'll figure out what turns you on, you'll figure out what helps you orgasm, and you'll figure out who you are sexually. So don't feel embarrassed--everyone on this forum has been where you are, and we all got where we are now by exploring. Some of us got here fast, and some of us got here slow, and you'll get where you want to go when you're ready to get there.

should I dare to experiment??

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