should I dare to experiment??

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sweetling91, Dec 29, 2012.

  1. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

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    Hi guys!!
    I sincerely hope you can help me with my little big problem. I'm 21 and soon turning 22 but didn't have any sexual kinds of relationships as of yet but the thing is that I've been drawn to rope bondage since I accidentaly came across it. I can imagine myself in erotic bondage and long to try it out but I'm also scared since I always think that I shouldn't be feeling this way without even haved esperience in normal vanilla relationships.
    I tried to ignore my fascination but lately it's been very hard, since I'm dreaming about being bound and helpless. That's what inspired me to research and I came across BDSM and Shibari rope bondage.
    Since those dreams started, I feel a need to try some of it out but I'm so very nervous about actually doing it. I would try it with my boyfriend but since I don't have one the only possible things are to try in a professional environment or to subconciously tortur myself with those dreadful dreams.
    Can anyone please advise me on what to do? I'm so torn about it and I'm very desperate.
    I already thank you with all my heart for any kind of advise
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2012

  2. Click here for more.
    Hi Sweetling,
    Welcome to the board.

    I would certainly say that experimentation is a good thing - as long as it's safe.

    You're in China at the moment, and I have no idea how the authorities there react to what they may consider to be "perverted behavior" :)

    Even internet BDSM relationships might be dangerous, given the well known monitoring of internet traffic in China.

    Are you in contact with other Western students there? I would think it would be safer to experiment within that community if you're sure it's a safe environment.

    Rope play really does need a certain level of trust between the sub and Dom, so maybe don't start with inescapable bondage.

    Bondage can be as much symbolic as real. If you find a nice guy and feel comfortable with him, then you can ask him to "dominate you" by just pretending that you're tied up. After you become more confident together perhaps you can move to real bondage, but I would urge you to take things slowly.

    Do you have a male friend back in Germany? Perhaps you could strike up a sexy email communication with him, and even work up to a real play session next time you go home for a visit.

    I really want to avoid you getting into trouble locally...that's why I'm being so careful with my advice.

    Good luck!

  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    My advice would be to explore both vanilla and kink at the same time. Try to find some basic relationship experience before you throw yourself fully into a kinky one, but if you know that you want kink, then try to find a kink-friendly relationship.
  4. Death

    Death Member

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    Many people, including myself, value virginity far too much to ever dream of experimenting.... in my case, I would rather die a virgin than lose it to the wrong person. That is just me, though, but the fact that you are asking for advice regarding if you should experiment, tells me that you aren't sure if that is such a good idea. Many people end up experimenting without truly wanting to, and end up regretting it dearly, since they feel they should've waited for the right person, before getting intimate. You did say you are very desperate, after all.... and desperation doesn't lead to very good decisions, all too often.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Death: forgive me, but as a virgin, you're not really in a good position to offer advice about whether sexual exploration is worth it or not. Since by definition you haven't explored, you can't really say whether exploring is worth it. You can talk about whether not exploring has been a satisfying choice, what you feel you've learned from that decision and so on, but you have no way to know whether you would end up regretting exploring or not. Rather than citing the regrets of many unspecified people, I think it would be more helpful to tell the OP why you chose to keep your virginity.
  6. Death

    Death Member

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    Haha, that is completely false. Are you saying that my suspicions must be incorrect, then? That it is unreasonable of me to point them out? There are countless people who have terribly regretted losing their virginity to the wrong person. I know I would be one of them, if it happened to me. In fact, I would kill myself, if it happened, as I would have no reason left to live, at that point. I am aware that many find it ridiculous of me to value virginity so greatly, but fact remains that I do, and so do many others - few as much as me, but regardless, even there I am not alone with my unusually "conservative" view.

    Your argument is completely invalid. Saying that I, as an example (since you mentioned me), cannot know if me exploring is a good idea or not, is the same as saying that I can't know if I would enjoy chopping my head off until I have tried it. Both of these things - decapitation as well as exploration - would lead to me dying.

    I will not talk about why virginity is so important to me, unless asked by the original poster. I do not wish to derail the thread with my views of the world, if not asked for it. Additionally, I have a whole thread of mine, that has been active for far too long, in which I talk about it, anyway.
  7. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

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    Thank you all for the advises, they really are helpful ^^
    I personaly think it would really be better to explore both vanilla and kink at the same time but I wasn't sure if it's possible to realize. There are just so many unknown factors.
    Are there some guidelines I should really, really follow if I decide to go for it???

    As for loosing my virginity with the wrong guy....I don't really like the thought of it but I think it would be worse for me to keep longing forever and then to realize that I should have gathered my courage to try something out. Don't get me wrong Death, I do value my virginity and I would be devasteted if I lost it to some random jerk who promises me something exciting. Were I so thoughtless, I wouldn't have kept it for so long. If I would go through with experimenting then I would certainly see to it that I'm with someone I feel comfortable and safe with or ideally someone with an emotional connection.
    Since I'm still uncertain about it all.... Death..., can you please send me the link for your thread about saving your virginity??
  8. Death

    Death Member

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    Well, it is more like a contact thread/personal of mine, rather than just about why I am keeping my virginity.... but yes, I will of course share it if you are interested.

    Link to the thread:

    I do indeed hope you are careful about your virginity, though... personally, I could never dream of suggesting to anyone that they should consider experimenting. It would haunt me forever, if I did give such a recommendation, for whatever hypothetical reason that would be. Anyway.... I wish you luck in your search.
  9. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

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    Thank you again and I do admire that you are so adamant about your virginity. I wish I could be so strong willed but I'm not. But do you know if its possible to experience some kinks without having to loose ones virginity??
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Death: I understand that keeping your virginity until you find the right person is a very important principle to you, but the fact is that you don't know how you will react to losing your virginity until you do it. You might realize that you were completely right to wait, or you might, as many people do, realize that it's really no big deal. You simply cannot say because you haven't done it. In that regard, you have as much authority on sexual matters as a Catholic priest or nun does, which is to say, very little. I waited until I was 27, and in retrospect, I wish I hadn't. I missed out on some good opportunities that could have been very meaningful, and with hindsight I realize a lot of my 'principle' was really just fear of my own body. I have a good friend who waited until he married in his late 20s, and while he is glad he waited, he admits that his first sexual experience with his wife was rather clumsy and mundane.

    This is not to diminish your own views or experiences, but to point out that you are speaking from a fundamental lack of knowledge. You do not know how you will react, you simply believe you would react a particular way. Your expertise as someone who has committed himself to virginity is valuable, especially to someone considering whether to explore or not, but it is limited to explaining what waiting has meant for you. Saying that many people have regretted losing their virginity is meaningless, because I can cite, with equal authority, many people who have regretting holding onto it. Since there are no hard statistics, both claims are mere anecdotes at best, and of little value in decision making. Neither your experience nor mine can tell Sweetling what her first time will be like.

    Sweetling: Preserving your virginity for the right moment can, as Death has indicated, be a very powerful and meaningful experience. But it can also be rather disappointing. Very few people have deeply moving experiences the first time they have sex, despite all the claims to the contrary. Being extremely nervous can make it hard to enjoy sex, and lack of experience can produce a great deal of fumbling around, although a skilled partner can reduce that. My understanding is that for virgin women, penetration can be painful. So many virgins find their first time less than satisfying. This isn't to say that you shouldn't wait, but rather that you should be aware that it may not be as meaningful as you may think. As you make your decision on this, keep that in mind.

    It's also important to realize that, depending on what you mean by 'virginity', there is a great deal of exploration that you can do while remaining a virgin. For example, there is a great deal of non-penetrative BDSM activity you can indulge in, such as bondage, spanking, tit torture, and so on. So if your desire to remain a virgin until the right guy comes along means that you don't want to be penetrated, there are many options. On the other hand, if you mean you don't want to engage in any significant sexual activity, then your options are fairly narrow.

    If you want to explore kink while avoiding penetration, you might ask a boyfriend to do something simple, such as blindfold you or tie your hands with a scarf (not too tight), and then simply tease you, caress you, kiss or lick or nibble you, pinch your nipples, spank you lightly and so on. This will give you a sense of whether you enjoy being restrained. These are things that don't require a great deal of expertise on the part of a partner. You can even pretend that he's taken your prisoner and is 'torturing' or molesting you, if you like the idea of role-playing. If you find you enjoy that, then keep exploring. On the other hand, if you find it boring or too weird or just not fun, then you'll know that kink might not be right for you.

    Keep in mind that vanilla and kink aren't mutually exclusive. Many people using occasional kink to spice up a generally vanilla sex life, and many kinksters like the occasional vanilla love-making with the traditional romantic trappings. So as you date and consider giving up your virginity, try the occasional kinky twist. Lots of guys enjoy 'rough-housing' with their girlfriends, showing off their strength by carrying the girl around, or holding her down until she gives him a kiss or whatever--those are very simple forms of power exchange. If you enjoy them, then that's a good sign.

    Death feels that the fact that you asked this question indicates that you're not sure it's a good idea. My own sense is that you came here seeking permission to experiment. There are good reasons to wait, but there are also very good reasons to explore. Very few people, in old age, decide they are glad they didn't do something they wanted to do. Virtually all my regrets in life are things I wanted to do but didn't.
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2012
  11. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

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    Sebastian. I really, really thank you for your last advise. I guess I really did need someone to talk to and to seek advise from, since I feel very uncomfortable to talk to my friends about my curiosity, longing....
    I'm a little ashamed to admit that at first I didn't really expect to find any helpful advise here but I figured that it can't hurt me to try. And now I have all those assurances that I can only win with trying.
    I think I will soon try some of your suggestions.

    And again: thank you, thank you, thank you

  12. Click here for more.
    When I lost my virginity it was, as Sebastian suggested, a bit of a disappointment.

    I had to wear a condom, and (for a kinky guy) I actually don't like the smell of latex - visually I love girls in latex, but the smell is a huge turn-off for me.

    So for me to get hard enough to wear the condom we had to go a certain way along in terms of stimulating me. The end result was that I came almost as soon as I entered my girlfriend, and I was too caught up in the embarrassment to just laugh it off and make sure she enjoyed the moment.

    We were lucky we were able to eventually see the funny side of it, but it was a lesson to me that if you focus so much of your expectation on a single moment then disappointment is actually hard to avoid.

    The fact that we are bombarded by the media telling us how "wonderful that special moment will be" only makes things worse.

    I was very much in love with the lady I to whom I lost my virginity (she was a virgin also - and that kind of explains the fact we were both clueless). But I wish I had handled the moment in a more experienced way.

    By the way - it was a totally "non-kinky" experience. Thank goodness - I don't think I could have handled much more complication! :)

    These days there are so many ways that couples can have sexual pleasure without penetrative sex. I suppose the whole HIV threat has made it cool to experiment with non-conventional ways to please each other.

    By all means treasure the moment you lose your virginity, but please don't focus too much expectation on that moment.

    I don't know anyone who would say that the moment they lost their virginity was the best sex they'd ever had. Thank goodness! :)

  13. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    Sweetling- Tall and I played kinkily together for a fair while before we had sex. We used blindfolds, restraints, light impact play, that sort of thing. Sebastian goes into greater detail, so I don't have to, but it is certainly possible.

    Also, remember that before you have genital/genital sex, there is always fingering/jerking him off, oral, toys, etc. Losing your virginity might include those to you (it's a fairly vague term, and as long as everyone knows they can get STDs from any kind of sex, I don't care about the definition), but they are options for before you have sex that might make it more pleasurable for both of you. The amount of couples who never even see each other naked more than a few minutes before penetration astound me.

    I agree with the others, by the way- losing your virginity can be a monumental occasion, but more often, it is not. When I did, we (particularly me) were horny and playing otherwise. It was actually pretty great, but it wasn't a bed covered in rose petals and champagne and whispering I love you or whatever (though I lost my virginity to Tall, and we did/do love each other). I just mean to say that though it was good, it wasn't romantic, exactly. Like Stanley, we were both virgins, but I wouldn't say we were clueless. We had taken things slowly, which did not mean 'we waited for the perfect moment,' but rather that we took months and months learning about each other's bodies from the lips down, so when we did have sex, we both knew how to please each other.

    I'm going to edit this to make more sense and have more details later.
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2012
  14. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

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    Hi Smallest and Stanley
    Thank you for telling me how it was for you to loose your virginity. I hope I can get my experience to be a bit pleasurable as was yours Smallest. I actually do know that for most people especially women, the first penetration can be very painful and unromantic. Many of my friends tell me that they didn't really like their first experience but that it helped if they build up to it slowly. I do value my virginity but I'm prepared to be disappointed, now more than ever thanks to you. By value I mean that I want my first time to be with a guy I feel comfortable with. I just wanted to see if I could experience some kink without getting hurt during the process since I'm still virgin and don't have a significant other right now.
  15. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    I think that if you lose your virginity within a loving long term relationship (which is up to you, but sounds like what you want), you should enjoy it. Maybe the penetration won't feel great, but the foreplay, or the cuddling after, or something should make it a good experience, whether or not it actually feels momentous. I'd think 'imperfect, but still good' is a good expectation to have, since even if 'disappointed' means 'cookies instead of ice cream' it still sounds like something, well, bad. If you are entirely disappointed, there will be some things needing discussion :p

    As we've all said, there are ways to explore it though, and good on you to be so open minded with our suggestions.

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