sheepish, new dom...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Hopehavoc, Jun 20, 2009.

  1. Hopehavoc

    Hopehavoc Member

    I'm new to the whole idea of bondage and sm and everything else.

    Mostly, she just likes to be tied up and blindfolded. We don't do painful stuff, except biting and sometimes a little scratching. But, when we do have sex (usually fingering type stuff) she has such intense reactions that I literally have to strap her down just to give her an orgasm or else she'll jump around too much. It can be kind of scary at times.

    Does anyone have any kind of idea how I can get myself accustomed to the intensity of it all?

    And also, she broke her restraints the other night...does anyone know where I can find some low cost wrist restraints and a gag?
     
  2. subspace

    subspace Member

    Well clearly I am not a Dom so please feel free to take my advice or leave it but.....
    You are the Dom right? You should be the one in control of the scene, how about not worrying about restraints (till you can get them) and "command" her to be still to receive your attention? As soon as she moves a millimeter stop.
     
  3. +1 to the above. As a beginner/experimenter myself, when I was starting out with the whole bondage thing with my last partner, we didn't have anything more than a few thick cable zip ties as cuffs and i'd stuff and tape her panties in her mouth as a gag. Can get them anywhere, DIY stores are a goldmine for that kinda stuff, and the more they struggle, the tighter they get. Keep scissors handy though as they can get too tight and chafe/break the skin. Just in case. And use several, that way they won't be broken so easily. :D
     
  4. Haha, it's not always as easy as this! :D

    Lately, whenever my master has gone down on me and is teasing me with it (and I am almost always tied down for this, as it makes it even more enjoyable) I will get annoyed and then thrust myself upwards to get attention, but this can get badly misjudged and we have had more than one pubic bone/teeth collision :eek:

    I can lie still though, if I really want to, it's just that it's really nice to have a little wriggle about, restrained or not :)

    And yeah, chains and stuff from DIY stores, or pet shops, are probably the best; they are not only cheaper than what you can find in sex shops, but are usually better quality, given the purposes for which they are actually made ;)
     
  5. ReallyGreen

    ReallyGreen Member

    Not everybody into bondage is submissive or a masochist. If you or your friend aren't into domination or pain, thats just fine.

    *Rope is probably the cheapest restraint you can get. be sure to buy a how-to DVD (I like OSK's How to perform rope bondage) or book. You don't want to kill circulation.

    * Sportsheetz has the nylon & velcro restraints..... which can withstand a lot of thrashing.

    *Most sex stores sell leather cuffs (usually under the Red's Black Leather brand). These are pretty good.
     
  6. Hopehavoc

    Hopehavoc Member



    Yeah, I'm not sure if she's into the idea of domination or not...but it seems like she is. She wants me to take control of the situation and be the one who decides what I do to her, how, in what order that sort of thing. But, I'm not a big fan of just doing whatever I want to her because I've always been about whatever pleases the other person and it's hard to get used to someone saying "whatever you want to do will please me" essentially because I'm the kind of person who says "what do you want me to do? how's this? Feel good? Do you wanna stop?" I'm the one always taking orders...I'm not used to giving them. And she won't give me any. She wants me to decide. But then, at the same time...we're both kind of switch in that she likes to give me orders as well. Like, it depends on who is touching whom. When she is pleasuring me she will give me orders, trying to get me to orgasm on command...that sort of thing.

    Really, I just get frightened by the intensity of her reactions. It makes me afraid that I AM hurting her, which I would never want to do. When I bite her...it's because it causes her pleasure, not because it causes her pain. I'm a huge fan of biting...but not when the other person doesn't enjoy being bitten. But, she has such intense reactions that I get afraid that she's really in pain and I know that I'm supposed to listen for the safe word but...I get scared that she's trying to push herself past her limits or something because my last partner would always push herself past her limits (not in sex...just in general, but...I feel that is a valid fear on my part) and the other day I nearly cried because I was so scared that what I was doing was hurting her and she just wasn't saying the safe word. It's like...I end up needing emotional aftercare because she has to hold me and reassure me that I wasn't hurting her and that I was doing well and it makes me feel weak and stupid that I'm curled up in her arms on the verge of tears when she was the one who just seemed like she was in immense pain, even though she wasn't. Is that normal?

    As for the bondage...I already have the chains for it. I just need to find an inexpensive way to attach them to her wrists without hurting her. I was wondering if maybe having her wear weight lifting gloves (the fingerless leather kind) and just making a loop around her wrists would be enough. Because, she likes to hold onto the chain anyway and this way she won't rip the chain off of the wrist restraints because they aren't actually attached directly.
     
  7. You need to have a good long talk about what exactly you want to do, and how far you are (not) prepared to go, and just stress the importance of saying the safeword if needed.

    About the aftercare thing, I've never heard of the dom needing aftercare but I can understand it. The feeling of fear you are experiencing are exactly why communication is so vital.
     
  8. Hopehavoc

    Hopehavoc Member

    I believe that part of the problem was that we had yet to have our after session follow up. Now that we have, things are in much better perspective.

    Thank you all for your advice.
     
  9. Hopehavoc

    Hopehavoc Member

    Sheepish new dom finds out why she's so sheepish

    It's because she's a submissive.

    So, she and I talked about it...and we figured out the problem. I'm not a dominant. I'm just the top. Despite her being the bottom and loving to be tied up...she's totally the dominant. She's my dominant. I've discovered how much I love for her to dig sharp things into my back as punishment for not thrusting. So...yeah...she is Mistress Ann and I am her Kitty. :D So yeah....Problem solved....so totally solved.
     
  10. EZRA

    EZRA Member

    wait I'm confused
    is this sub-sub or Dom-Dom
    or is she dominate from the bottom ?
    ( which didn't work for me at all)
    or are you subbing from the top?
    "how hard should I hit you master?"

    I'm sorry I don't mean to make light. I just can't make sense of your last post.:)
     
  11. Hopehavoc

    Hopehavoc Member

    Yeah, uh....you're rightfully confused. I accidentally said that she was a submissive. No, she's a dominant. I am the submissive in the relationship. We each just kind of assumed that since she liked having stuff done to her (being tied up/blindfolded/bitten) that meant she was the sub...but she's not and we assumed that since I liked to do all that stuff that I was the dominant. But, as it turns out...she's just a dominant that likes to order me to do things to her...and I'm a submissive that loves to do things to her. So, yeah....we don't do hitting. Well, not on her. We like to keep something sharp (prickly) on hand for her to spank me with when I am not pleasing her in the way she would like. Which totally doesn't make any sense to me because I absolutely hate pain under normal circumstances and yet, when she spanks me, pricks me, bites me, scratches me...it drives me bonkers in the best of ways. I am just as confused as you are actually. hahaha.
     
  12. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    well i like this scratchy games as well sometimes i even change roles but i dont really want to become sub
     
  13. Napycauch

    Napycauch Banned

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