Setting the 'mood' for domination.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by mtaylor123, Mar 17, 2013.

  1. mtaylor123

    mtaylor123 New Member

    Setting the 'mood' for domination?

    Hi, new user here, from some searching this seems like one of the more active SM forums I've found so seems a good place to ask for some advice/opinions! Not sure if this is the right forum for it, and there's quite a bit of back story, so please move to the appropriate forum if needed.
    Skip to the bold, underlined sentence further down if you want to skip the background.

    My girlfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for 2 years now, and for a year and a half of that we've been living together.

    She's much more sexually experienced than I am, also to do with being a couple of years older than me, and so at the beginning of our relationship much of what was going on was her 'teaching' me, as it were, both sexually and in general aspects of being in a serious relationship.

    For the first six months, and occasionally after, there would be lots of experimentation, she'd had experience in BDSM before while I'd only had sex with one other person, so the difference in levels was quite evident. Our personalities also thrown into this, our sex life would often have her as the more dominant one, with me being submissive; which was fine by me, I've always felt myself to be somewhat submissive sexually even before I had any experience of it, probably because the idea of dominating a woman just seemed wrong.

    However, occasionally I would take on the role of dom when we had sex, though never anything more extreme than tying her up with those straps that go under the mattress. I enjoyed her pouring candle wax on me, biting my nipples quite hard, etc. greatly though, so when we did go for SM play, I would generally be the sub.

    After this first 6 months of fairly BDSM-based sex, as opposed to 'standard' sex, we would occasionally revisit this kind of sex, but by this point we had began living together and ever since then our sex life has been declining to the extent that, even though we had commitments with our respective families for 6 weeks over Christmas that meant we didn't see each other (in different countries, no less), and so by all means 'should' have been jumping all over each other immediately upon our reunion, our sex life has come to a halt. The last time we had sex was Valentine's day, which was now just over a month ago, and this is the longest period we have gone to date without any kind of sexual intimacy while being around each other (I gave her a full-body massage a few days after V-day, which used to make her incredibly horny, especially once I tease my way around her clit and bring her to orgasm, but I could tell that this time it had no such effect and I didn't push sex).

    We have talked about this decline in intimacy quite a lot - we have always had a very communicative relationship. But we come up with no concrete answers. The lack of desire for sex is on her part, not mine, and though this can get incredibly frustrating for me, I never pressure her into anything, and though she is aware of my frustration, she's also aware that it is not frustration directed at her, and that it is not the fact that I'm not 'getting any' or some shit that is frustrating me; it is simply that I am frustrated at whatever this thing is that is getting in the way of her sex drive, because I want her to want to have sex again, for her pleasure as much as mine, and she says that she wants the same thing.

    So perhaps herein lies the problem. She has mentioned a couple of times in our talks on the subject that I should try dominating her to make her want to have sex. I have absolutely no problem with dominating her, and especially in the last week or so, this desire to has been popping up in my mind more and more.
    Any time I actually try to be more dominant in initiating sex, however, she rejects. Last night, after I'd read some of the advice on this forum about communication in BDSM play, we talked a fair bit about what she would and wouldn't like while being dominated; the majority of it I already knew from our past experiences and communication, and we found ourselves setting bank holiday weekend (end of the month) to go for it.

    In my experience, though, this will create a build up of pressure within her subconscious resulting in the same lack of enthusiasm when it comes to the time as normal. So in a bit, I'm going to tell her that I'm not going to dominate her that weekend, with the aim of it either coming naturally, or of me surprising her with it.

    The question I put to you, then, is this:

    How do I set the mood for domination? With someone who wants to be dominated, but doesn't seem to want to have any kind of sexual intimacy with me, at least not when it actually comes down to it? I know she doesn't mean she wants me to forcibly take her against her will (consensually or not), and I wouldn't personally feel comfortable doing that anyway.

    This is the first time I've ever asked for advice on such a matter from a forum, as I hold the belief that nobody else is really suited to comment on a couple's relationship issues when they don't know exactly what's going on.
    Setting the mood for domination is my main query though, and I figure, who better to ask than all you lovely subs and doms with the experience to maybe be of some help on the issue?

    Last edited: Mar 17, 2013
  2. Hello and welcome to the board.

    Let me say first of all that we're a friendly bunch here, and I know a number of people will give some good advice.

    You seem to have a very good handle on what's going on, and I think you've correctly identified that the anticipation towards the "big weekend" may actually cause stress on her part that will risk spoiling the mood.

    How about a "surprise" before the big weekend? Choose a night before the bank holiday when you're both relatively free - maybe a Friday night. There are a lot of ways you could create a mood. I've posted some ideas in the past and I'd be happy to find the links for you, but first let me ask you if you think a surprise "seduction" would work.

    A simple "script" will help you both figure out what you want to do. Write a short briefing note that describes the scene for her. Buy a couple of new things...either sexy clothes for her, or perhaps some BDSM toys.

    The surprise does not take the place of the big weekend, by the way - it's just meant to defuse the expectation so that you can both relax and enjoy the weekend more easily.

  3. mtaylor123

    mtaylor123 New Member

    Hey, thanks your reply!

    Surprise-wise, I think that it would go down well as long as I was very careful about the timing and what it actually was; your links would be great if it's not too much difficulty finding them!

    I thought about making a kind of set-list for myself, but I think it would be important that she doesn't realise that I have it planned out; she's always said she prefers improvised sex, as it were, I guess it feels more natural. I will definitely try setting out a script/role play scenario with her somewhere down the line though, as she might like it more than she thinks.

    Do you happen to have any idea where you can order one of those Hitachi wands from? Whenever I search it I only seem to find knock-off copies, like:
    Surely it would say HITACHI in big letters somewhere if it was the 'official' one?

    I think one of these would be a great idea because she hasn't time recently to get waxed, so she's a little self-conscious about appearances (which I'm sure isn't helping the overall situation), but from what I've seen the Hitachi really isn't held back by something as trivial as clothing.
  4. Here are a couple of the links...

    When I say "script" I really mean to create a stereotype scene, so that both parties "know what to do".

    In this thread the guy was already thinking of sending a letter to his sub, I just added some ideas.

    I quite like the idea of a Catholic Confession scene because that whole religion is rife with perverted ideas :)

    I found this site that appears to seel Hitachi wands. Note that they provide a 110v to 220v converter because it looks like the genuine Hitachi was only intended to be used in Japan and the US.

  5. mtaylor123

    mtaylor123 New Member

    This is quite a difficult decision! It looks like the 'Wand Essentials' one isn't an official Hitachi one, but it's strange because that website even semi-admits this by including a link to examples of fake wands. The official one is twice the price, but from some reviews I've read of the cheaper versions, you really get what you pay for, comparing build quality especially; but the cheaper version has way more speed settings and actually a higher maximum rpm. Interesting...

    I love the letter idea, by the way. We have played about in the past with writing each other letters, stories, etc. but that thread has definitely given me some much better ideas to employ in future!

    Thanks for your help on the matter, just wondering as well, is your post count locked at 222? :D
  6. Gosh that's weird - at least it's not 666 :)
  7. Now it's incremented!
  8. mtaylor123

    mtaylor123 New Member

    Not the incrementation!

    ...Incrementation actually sounds kind of sexual haha

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