scared to open up

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by hotgirl990, Jul 28, 2010.

  1. hotgirl990

    hotgirl990 New Member

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    this has been bothering me for a long time already, i cant seem to open up to anybody that i know that i am into bdsm,it feels to me that i will be looked upon as strange or weird , uh i just dont know how to let my friends and boyfriend know im into this and im a sub
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Think of it this way: Bdsm is about exploring your fantasies and living them out. This takes courage, particularly because bdsm can take you into some dark corners of your mind. The first step is to work up the courage to speak to your boyfriend about what you want. Bdsm requires communication between dom and sub. If you can't speak to him about your desires at their most basic level, you probably can't handle the communication needed to make a bdsm relationship work.

    So if you want to explore these desires, you simply have to work up the courage to talk to him. Might he freak out if you tell him these things? Yes. But if he does, he's not the man to explore these things with you. If he doesn't, then perhaps there's potential to delve into this with him. So if he rejects your fantasies, you haven't lost anything because he's not the man to sub for. If he says yes, you've opened the door. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  3. IceEyes

    IceEyes New Member

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    Hello Hotgirl;

    I understand this very well, BDSM is looked upon by many people, often narrow-minded, as something sick, twisted, insane etc. and in today's sociey with all of it's sexism, abuse and violence people who are not into it often also has problems with seeing the difference between them.

    I agree with Sebastian and the first one you should talk to is your boyfriend. May I ask you, how is your sexual relationship today?
    Boring? Fantastic? Can you comminicate openly about the sex you have today, what you enjoy within you sexual boundraries as they are today?
    Do you talk about sex? What you both like? Is sex fun or is it "embarrassing to talk about in that manner? Do you have any sex toys? What have you done besides besides missionary position with the lights out?

    A lot of questions, but if you feel that you want to answer some of them I will gladly see if I can help you in some way, for what it's worth...


  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    to be honest, you dont really have to tell your friends

    your boyfriend is technically the only relevant person here
  5. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    hotgirl -

    These guys have already covered just about everything I would have said, and I agree with their perspectives and advice.

    Not only are you not alone, but you are in the company of amost everyone who has realized at some point that they are truly kinky. I'm guessing that Ice has a point in his questions about how your sex life and communications about sex are with your boyfriend.

    When you answer the questions he asked, you will start to really understand where all this fits in you.

    And remember that the hardest questions for us are often those we already know the answer to.

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you keep in touch with us as you begin your journey.
  6. hotgirl990

    hotgirl990 New Member

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    i've told my boyrfriend i like kinky things, we do mild bondage, as in handcuffs, blindfolds,sometimes he'll spank me , we always have rough sex ,he tied me up a few times but wasnt really good at it, the thing is hes naturally dominant hes one of those guys who feel that the guy has to wear the pants in the relationship. but then again when i tell him i want more as in tied up different ways or use nipple clamps or something of that sort he backs away i really dont know what it is but i cant just openly say im into BDSM he probobly will ask me huh? whats that stand for and i realy dont feel like explaining he wont get it
  7. IceEyes

    IceEyes New Member

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    Hello hotgirl,

    Well...good for you! =)
    You always have a choice to look at things from the bright side or just seeing all the problems ahead of oneself. You are actually quite lucky here.

    For example, you are not boiling with sexual frustration in a relationship with a man who does not have any interest whatsoever in sex the way you like it.
    That's a good thing, and even though this is something hard for you to do...try to focus on that througout the whole journey you are about to go with him.

    Your boyfriend's view on "having the pants on in a relationship" etc. is a very common one and has nothing to do with BDSM, as you probably already have figured out.

    Most guys (vanilla or not) today look at themselves as doms, but as I pointed out earlier people who are not into it often confuse things and don't know the difference between rough sex, abuse, bdsm and violence.

    And let me tell you a secret about what guys want =)

    Most guys would like their girlfriend to be a filthy sperm-hungry slut who they get to fuck every way they want whenever they want.
    He would absolutely love if you woke him up and whispered in his ear that you want to eat his load for breakfast or that you all of a sudden told him to drag you into the bedroom and fuck your brains out.

    The point I'm trying to make is that this is just how most guys feel, where they put themselves and their sexual persona; the male who takes what they want when they want it. Even most vanilla type guys have this dark fantasy about a woman who absolutely worships their cock and can't get enough of it. Take my word for it.

    The porn industry has a lot to do with this, as it also teaches both men and women what's expected from them. What "women" want, and what "men" want.
    We both adapt to this whether we want it or not, just as we do with fashion magazines or make-over-programs. We are mammals, and learn to adopt to survive.

    This is probably the reason why your boyfriend likes to spank you, why you do mild bondage and has rough sex.

    BUT....this has nothing to do with BDSM. =)

    The first thing you need to ask yourself about is this. Why does this turn you on?

    Do you enjoy pain?
    Do you like the excitement of being abused?
    Do you get horny by getting humiliated and feeling like a worthless whore?
    Do you want to feel taken care of, not having to make you own decisions?
    Do you find any role in particular exciting? Naughty schoolgirl? Cocky brat? Fuckpig? Spermbucket? Painslut? Innocent girl next door?

    Try to search within yourself (here's where you should be totally selfish), go to the darkest corners of your mind and try to pinpoint what each of these things makes you feel. This part is about what YOU want, what YOU need, what turns YOU on...

    Maybe you don't know so much yet about what you want, and that's okay. Just focus on what excites you and what your darkest fantasies are.

    Te reason for this? To know thy enemy. BDSM is mostly about getting to know yourself, and to free your mind, to push yourself to places you've never been before.

    It's important that you understand this part of your kinky side.

    The fact that your boyfriend spanks you, does not make it BDSM. The fact that you get tied up does not make it BDSM.
    What makes it BDSM, and what's far more important is WHY you do it.

    It's not interesting whether you are using clamps, hairbrushes, icecubes, tens, dildos, strapons, gags, paddles, whips, canes, cuffs or anything else and what don't want to do here is just "getting your boyfriend to buy these things and start of hitting you.

    You need to go to the center of this, build it up together with him why you want to be a sub, why you wish to serve him and have him as your master.
    When it's clear to you, and when you can communicate this to him you can start to explore it.

    But you really must focus on WHY you want this, rather than what you want him to do with you.

    And how do we do this? ;)

    I'll give you some guidelines when it comes to introducing BDSM in a relationship and some ideas.

    * Watch some movies together.

    There are a large number of movies to rent from any well-sorted video store. Some of my favourites are: Story of O, Secretary and 9 1/2 weeks.

    * Start easily with asking him what he would like you to do if he could choose.
    Most guys gets excited by this idea and it could start off for example with you text-messaging him during the day.
    For example:

    "I want to please you tonight, what would you like me to wear for you?"

    "Can I please suck your dick as soon as you get home, darling?"

    For many guys, even if they have a dominant side it can still be embarrassing for them to openly ask for something, afraid that they will offend you because they don't REALLY know if that kind of talk is okay even if this is something they want to do. To make him more confident in such situations, the fastest way to dealing with this is making it clear to him that you ENJOY when he does it, and to be clear about it. While having sex, tell him how much you like it as soon as he shows any dominant side of his. When he spanks you, let him know how much you enjoy it.

    This is not manipulating in any way. It's just a way to help him discover and to be more confident about his dominant side, making emotional memories that you really find him sexy when he tells you what to do, when he spanks you, when you serve him. You want to lure these feelings out of him so that he slowly begins to understand that the more he tells you what do do, the more he puts you in place, the more he "owns" you, the hornier, the happier, the more intense you get.

    One thing that really destroys the male ego is the feeling of not knowing/being incapable. This is why we don't ask for directions, for example ;)

    When you say that he is not that good at tying you up, trust me...this is something he knows he's not good at. This could also be one reason to if he does not want to do it very much, since he then shows weakness in not knowing how to tie you up.

    Watch some shibari-pictures, there are very easy knots to learn how to do on You can also learn some even easier from watching sexandsubmission-videos. You could look at them together and tell him that you would like him to tie you in one particular knot tonight.

    Keep it simple, but most of all FUN. Have a laugh about it, make a game out of it that you both want to explore in a curious and FUN way.

    In this state i believe you need to both, as I've described, explain to him very cleary both with your words and actions what you need (tippy toes more and more every day), but also to be there as a support for him.

    Be aware of this, because even though you want him to train you as his slave/sub, you are the one ahead here. YOU know what you want, he may not yet. Therefore...don't lay all this on him.

    The worst thing you could do here is to just explain what you want him to do, what turns you on and then lay all responsibility on him owning you.

    Dominance is an art to master, just as submission. Remember that he will need your support in this, and to feel safe with you in order to communicate his inner and darkest fantasies.

    Eventually you will be able to go deeper into this exploration, but look at this as if you are training him as a dominant. He will need support, compliments, love, understanding and to enjoy it. Have patience and go one step at a time.

    I'm running out of words here, and have really just written stuff from the top of my head. I hope that you find it useful in some way, and please ask me to clearify something if you want to. Let me know how it goes!

    Cheers and the best of luck,
  8. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    man ice eyes!!
    you laid it all on the line! hehe, even I want to think about some of that stuff!

    hotgirl, it sounds like he's not taking the subtle hints. You're really just going to have to come out and tell him. What's holding you back? Are you afraid he'll think less of you? Leave you? All those things are very unlikely to happen. Being kinky is weird or frightening, we just have more interesting sexual desires. Which, by the way, are fun and safe and exciting!
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Hot, although I agree with Ice, I'm gonna offer a different perspective. Ice says that rough sex is not the same thing as BDSM, but I say it is. Your boyfriend likes mild bdsm; he just doesn't know it yet because he doesn't think of it that way. He's engaging in mild dominance play without understanding what he's doing. So I think there's a good chance that you can get him further into bdsm; you just need to do a good job of communicating, and you need to understand what it is you want.

    Here's something that the long-timers on this forum are probably sick of me saying, but I think it's good place to start: BDSM has four major spheres of activity: control (the dom telling the sub what to do sexually, what to wear, either in the bedroom or out of the bedroom), bondage (the dom ties the sub up, blindfolds her, etc), pain play (the dom flogs or spanks the sub, tortures her tits, etc), and humiliation and verbal abuse (the dom calls the sub filthy names, orders her to do degrading things, pisses on her, makes her wear ugly clothing, etc). Every dom and every sub has a different range of interests in these spheres and different natural aptitudes for them. For example, I love pain play and I enjoy verbal abuse; I like bondage as a means to facilitate pain play, but not so much all on its own, and I like control, but tend to be a little hesitant about it sometimes because I want to make sure the sub enjoys it. So you need to figure out which of these spheres of play turns you on and what within them turns you on. And you need to figure out which of these spheres turns your bf on.

    Control is the easiest area of play to get someone into. As Ice said, almost every man who's not a sub likes the idea of a partner who will do anything he wants. So make it clear to your bf that he gets to control your sex. He gets to fuck you any way he wants, any time he wants. Once he's gotten comfortable with that bring up other areas of play and ask him to incorporate them. Ice is right that confidence is very important for male sexual performance. So when he's doing something new, play into it a little bit. Don't fake an orgasm every time, but exaggerate your responses a little bit so he knows he's doing it right. Afterward, tell him exactly what parts you enjoyed, and include a suggestion about something new he could try or a way that he could turn you ever more than he just did.

    One word of caution, and here again I have to disagree a little bit with Ice: bondage is the riskiest area of bdsm. There are a lot of things that can go wrong that range from mildly unpleasant (such as a mild rope burn) to the seriously unpleasant (a pinched nerve) to the potentially fatal (not being able to breathe). So once you move beyond very tame bondage play (like silk scarves), your bf (and perhaps you) needs to do a little bit of reading to learn the safety basics (like never tie a rope across a joint and always have an EMT scissors handy during rope or leather strap bondage). The safety basics are not hard to learn, but they are necessary. And reading up on them will help your bf feel more confident that he can do bondage properly. Don't just watch a bondage video and try to recreate it, because often they edit out the whole tying up process, so it will make a difficult or risky tie look easy and safe. The people in the videos are mostly seasoned professionals, and if they're not, they will use a 'stunt bondage master' who comes in, ties the ropes, and then lets the pretend bondage master take over for the camera. Use the videos to ideas about what you two would like to try and then help your bf research how to do those scenes safely. Also, learn about safewords and agree on a couple of them. I don't want to scare you; when done properly bondage is wonderful and fairly safe, but when done by people who don't know or ignore the basic rules, it can lead to much sorrow, tragedy, and police investigation.
  10. hotgirl990

    hotgirl990 New Member

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    wow ice thanks alot for such a detailed answer , nd to the questions you asked me i gota say yes thats exactly what i want from him, im going to try to ease him into it more i guess if i be subtle he wont be weirded out
  11. hotgirl990

    hotgirl990 New Member

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    sebastian your absolutely right , control is the easiest thing to get someone into regarding bdsm
  12. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Very nice string, and glad you're getting so much feedback hotgirl.

    I don't disagree with the advice you've gotten so far (as I said before), and I really like Ice's suggestion that you find a few videos that have different elements of bondage for you guys to share and talk about (but Story of O might not be the first one I'd use).

    I just wanted you to know that in all this discourse, I noticed something that hasn't come out yet...... You boyfriend is not a feeder. Maybe at some point he may be, but based on what you've said so far, he's not. (This is why he doesn't get it with the nipple clamps)

    I'll keep it simple. No matter what things you've gotten into with him, to him it's still pretty much about the sex, and when it's over you guys are done.

    A feeder can imagine your peril and loss of control, or just what the sex is doing to you, in his mind and it will start to feel like a dream state, almost like a few beers were just injected into him(/her). This makes the sex better, but the sex is just part of it.

    It's feeding off the other person's helplessness that a Dom(/me) will savor. That's why most of us last much longer than usual partners. We don't want to bite the candy that feels so good to lick over and over again.

    When I first started actually tying people up, I was about the sex. So I'm not saying he won't change. I am suggesting that you incorporate some games into your foreplay activities over time that make him think about stringing you along,(you do him, he does you) maybe to the point that before you even have sex, you've had several orgasms.

    I could be wrong in thinking that this is a general concept, but it has applied to me, and to several others I know on both sides of the equation.
    So I just thought I'd add my ramblings into the mix.

    I think if you get him to that point, you'll be in really good shape.

    One other thing....
    You will need to know if he likes servitude (you give) or if he likes to dominate (he takes). To much willingness will turn off someone who likes to force you to do things. (just a reaction to something else Ice said).

    And please heed Sebastian's words regarding actual bondage. It holds the most risk of long term injury to you and your relationship when practiced in ignorance.

    Hope this helps.
  13. hotgirl990

    hotgirl990 New Member

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    L8NightO hes definatly the one who will want to dominate, in everyday life even he always wants to be in control and the man in the relationship, and yea i noticed he wants to get to sex faster and not mind with all the foreplay before that,although we do have quit a lenghty time of foreplay before sex but once again its very plainnn
  14. TerribleT

    TerribleT Member

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    I'll just add that honesty is the best policy. Don't try to manipulate or trick your partner. What works for me is to remind my partner that we are adults and adults get to have consensual sex. The fact that we're adults doesn't exclude us having a little fun. We can play "sex games". What's better then that...right?
    As for confidence and technical proficiency: [EXAMPLE] I bought my wife a training DVD on how to use her handcuffs rather then try to school (read criticize) her myself. She studied it and practiced (I assume) and POOF! Confidence 100% and frustration gone...just like that.[/EXAMPLE]
    Last thing. BDSM is a label many people are uncomfortable with even if it clearly fits.

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