"Sadistic" or "Dom" men are just finding EXCUSES to HIT and ABUSE women

halloween · Sep 4, 2012

I hate all this shit. oh, we do it because we're deep... BULLSHIT. you men are no better than rapists. wanting to hit and slap innocent people around. you want to watch girls whimper under you because it makes you feel powerful because you are powerless. cowards.

stanley_jeffries · Sep 4, 2012

Well...you're entitled to your opinion.

Are you just here to insult people, or would you be interested in a genuine discussion?

halloween · Sep 4, 2012

YES

I want genuine discussion - why do people get away with torture and abuse in a sexual setting?

sebastian · Sep 4, 2012

Halloween, some men who call themselves doms are clearly abusers. They take advantage of confused or naive women to engage in a variety of cruelties while pretending that they are doing consensual BDSM. I think it's undeniable that some men do this.

But not all doms are abusers. If you read through some of my posts in the Newcomer's FAQ, I try to lay out some of the major differences between abuse and BDSM, and how to tell the difference. A genuine dom, as opposed to an abuser, cares about his sub's pleasure, and only does things that the sub enjoys receiving (or at least, is willing to receive so that the dom can have pleasure). A genuine dom uses safeguards like safe words and a knowledge of safe play to protect his sub's health; he stops play if the sub indicates that she needs to stop, and he helps her if she is distressed. A genuine dom seeks emotional bonding with his sub, and is grateful to her for the chance to indulge his particular desires. A genuine dom cares about his sub's emotional and physical health, and wants to see her develop as a submissive, as a sexual partner, and as a human being. A genuine dom treats his sub with respect, in that he treats her the way she wants to be treated (which for many subs, means humiliating and insulting her).

You may have run into some abusers out there, but please don't assume that all dominant men are just abusers in disguise. At least among the gay community, there is a tradition of doms punishing those who hurt their subs; there are persistent stories of doms ganging up on abusers/fake doms and forcing them to leave town. There are rumors that in a few cases, doms have killed such men and covered it up; whether those stories are true or not I don't know. But in the BDSM community, there is a general sense that the experienced doms have a duty to watch out for the bad apples and, at a minimum, try to warn inexperienced players to avoid them.

However, it's also true that many in the BDSM community acknowledge that this protective function doesn't always work. I've seen a number of kinky feminists complain that there are abusers and rapists who are being allowed to operate. This is a problem that kinky people need to address.

Smallest · Sep 5, 2012

Mod Post

I am leaving this thread open, even though Halloween feels like a troll (Halloween, don't defend yourself on this point, just don't be a dick). I'm putting this acknowledgement here so no one else calls him out, and so that they know I am watching this thread.

As a sub, I can promise you, doms are not rapists. Rapists may sometimes consider themselves dominant, but the reason that a real dom hits a woman (or man) is because they know it gives the submissive pleasure as well. I beg my boyfriend/master to do worse to me than he does, but he is more careful about safety than I am.

BDSM is all about consent (thus, not rape), and the safety of players. An abuser is an abuser, and an abuser may consider themself a dom, as I said before, but not every dom, and no 'real' dominant is an abuser. They take care to know that they are pleasing the sub, keeping them mentally and physically safe, and that after play, the sub will still be okay. They don't 'prey' on random 'innocent women,' they are in a partnership with one or more men or women who all derive pleasure from the situation.

You also have missed the point that there are female dominants, and male submissives, and that submissives in general exist. Many (probably more than half) of the members on this forum are submissive, so calling them cowards in your generalized message is a bit silly.

By the way, generally the best response to hating shit is to stay out of those communities. This is like going to youtube strictly to find stuff you don't like and comment "I hate this musician! This sucks!"

Sugarfiend · Sep 13, 2012

I agree 100% with the above posts from sebastian and smallest. Simply singling out male doms in the bdsm community and accusing them of being glorified 'rapists' is pretty wrong. I'm a sub and I've been sexually abused before but it had nothing to do with anyone in the bdsm community. Honestly IN MY OPINION I have met more cruel and abusive people that would be described as "vanilla. When I participate in kinky activities that I actually feel comfortable, happy and aroused. It gves me a small sense of security and control because I can dctate how much punishment I will endure whereas in the instances of genuine abuse, I felt like my control and humanity was taken. Submission, from what I have read and exprienced is something willingly given by the sub and rightfully EARNED by the dom. It is a genuine healthy relationship between two people.

Smallest · Sep 13, 2012

Thanks for the input, sugarfiend.

As a small note, I'm going to lock this thread once it's off the front page (and thus no longer relevant- or if it gets eaten by trolls, I'll delete it), to keep it from getting bumped.

sebastian · Sep 13, 2012

Sugarfiend, many subs who report having been abused see BDSM as a way to confront that pain in a controllable form, because they ultimately have the power to stop the play if it becomes uncomfortable or too intense.

Foreverbunny91 · Sep 13, 2012

As a switch, I am thoroughly offended. My submissive side is offended that not only did the OP make awful accusations against my play partners (who are all very sweet and more trustworthy than many of my vanilla partners) but s/he is also saying that I am somehow being victimized. My Domme side is offended, because I have NEVER hit anyone while playing who didn't like it!!!

This also brings up painful memories of being judged by friends. When I "came out" to a friend he told me "you desrve better than that. No one should be hitting you. You need a man who will treat you right." That is one of the most messed up things anyone has ever said to me believe it or not!

sebastian · Sep 13, 2012

Bunny, yeah, vanilla people rarely understand what BDSM is about, although many of my vanilla friends do get at least part of it. But at least when they say things like that, they're expressing concern for your well-being, and not telling you you're an immoral freak.

"Sadistic" or "Dom" men are just finding EXCUSES to HIT and ABUSE women

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