Rights? and Expectations?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Savelle, Jun 29, 2010.

  1. Savelle

    Savelle New Member

    Hello! I'm new to smplace and the forums so I thought I'd kick off my introduction with a bang and really put to heart a question that's racked my brain for a fair amount of time.

    Over the years I've read many articles, posts and the like that all prepare a submissive. Numerous tips on precautions to take for meeting someone for the first time, guidelines to orchestrating a scene, safe-words. The world within BDSM takes great care of subs in general; as well we should with the number of would-be dominants out there to contend with. But, having spent a long time composing a list of Rights and Expectations for a submissive I turned inward and asked myself a very difficult question: What were my rights as a Dom?

    When you take a second to comprehend all that the statement entails, dwindling it down to a practical list (or any format for that matter) seems a daunting task. As a Dom, in a power exchange relationship aren't we effectively in control, our abilities only limited by our own personal taboos and, if our submissive has any taboos of their own (for instances, needle play w/ my partner is out for her fear of needles) then those as well? But our control isn't infinite, and I'd certainly want one of the first rights as a Dom to be the freedom to live out the aspects of a vanilla life without jeopardizing/altering status (the view a partner has of one's-self), to maintain the right to still be seen as man or woman w/ all the faults and short comings of being human.

    To be fair, many a submissive wouldn't need for it to be explained- that a person, is still a person and will falter, will err and it is human... But, to be thorough its only fair to explore the rights and expectations from a Dom's POV.

    So I ask: "What as a Dominate, if anything, can we arguably gauge we have the right to in and out of any scene?"

    More importantly; what do we expect of ourselves as Dominants? What expectations do we place on a submissive consciously or subconscious?

    (Not to disclude anyone, I ask: As a submissive have you ever been in a position where you felt the expectations of your Dom could have used more clarification? or felt that maybe in your own studies, the head-space of Dominants hasn't been very well mapped out and it'd be nice if someone put together a nifty little pamphlet?)

  2. Savelle

    Savelle New Member

    Quick afterthought, the rights and expectations I've come up for a submissive should be included w/ this initial post to give the rest of you an idea of how I've composed and organized my thoughts.

    A sub’s expectations:

    I expect you to respect me as a person and understand that my submission is not an admission of inability; my submission to you is a gift. A gift I give for your pleasure and for myself. It is my will to submit to you.

    I expect honesty, whether good, bad or indifferent. I offer my submission to you in faith and expect our relationship to be built on more than sex- rather it be built-up on its existing foundation of mutual respect and trust. I ask freedom to offer insight of my likes, dislikes and intentions and ask you to share of yours equally. I expect you to press me for information, as I may not always be comfortable with details and completely forthcoming.

    I expect of myself the submission to bend to your will and your grace in helping me ease into that position. I expect to service you in your pleasure and with that, to be shown how best to please you. It is my pleasure to serve you. I expect discipline; if I fail to obey you, in some way fail to please you or displease you; I am yours to punish in any way you see fit.

    I expect rules and structure. It is my will to submit and my goal to do it well. Only you can decide what you want and would enjoy from my service. I expect a set of guidelines for me that fit your needs. I expect to be held to them- just giving me rules to obey is not enough; they must be enforced. It is my will to submit but, it will not always be as strong as my self-control; I expect you to have the ability to overcome my resistance and punish me for my inability to do so alone.

    I expect to serve your pleasure in all ways. My pleasure is in the experience of each opportunity I may serve you. I expect to feel useful as a good submissive; my pleasure is achieved in serving you. Your desire to see me in lewd positions, to have me service your cock, or to or to use my flesh to test a new toy is what I need. I expect you to take my interests into consideration but use me to satisfy your own. I expect you to work with me to make me a complete and total submissive to you. This is what I desire for myself and I what I feel I need.

    I expect to be reminded of my position as your submissive: "spare the rod, spoil the sub". I expect you to find new and creative ways to do so. My discomforts &/or embarrassments in ways that please you are useful reminders. I expect to have the right to remind You of my position as well by offering my services and myself to you. I expect the right to make my needs and desires known, and offer suggestions as to how to tame my urges when I feel I am getting out of control.

    I expect my limits to be examined and pushed. I anticipate the sensation of your command sending me shivers all over. I expect that not all I submit to for you will be to my pleasure. I expect you to maintain your control over me as I may shake, tremble, revolt and even defy your orders. I expect you to understand that I trust you to not stop, to not ever let me 'top from the bottom'. I expect you to value my desire to be the best submissive I can for you and not give in when I resist, not unless you change your mind.

    I expect you to explore my limits. I expect you to question my word on how much or how little I can take without discovering for yourself. I expect you to explore my sexuality, my emotional barriers and my mental restrictions knowing there are reasons behind what I like and dislike. I expect you never to push to hard or give up to easily.

    I expect you to have your way with me in a sweet mixture of pleasure and pain. I expect you to take your pleasure in inflicting and administering pain in whatever form, solely for your pleasure if you so desire. I expect that the difference in pain you give to my body for pleasure and the pain you deal in punishment have a clear line that I might learn to enjoy the one and learn not to desire for the other. I expect you to know and understand the degree and types of pain/control/stimulation I want and enjoy. I expect you to know what I don't want and where my limits are and knowing them, that you will respect them. I expect you to push my limits that your desire to inflict pain pleasurably; be it mine or yours, does not suffer for my lack of discipline or low tolerance.

    I expect my submission to you to be challenging but rewarding. I expect work as well as play time. I expect you to be honest with me if I wish to play and you do not. I expect to share my laughter and tears with you. I expect you to mark me if you feel like it- I will treasure each line, as I know they show you care.

    I expect you to grow and change as I do, in your own way.


    i have the right to see You as my Lover first and my Dom second.

    i have the right to speak with You freely outside of a scene openly.

    i have the right to been seen and treated as an intelligent, careing and loyal person. i have the right to maintain my individuality; my life is not to be sacrificed as a price for my submission. i have the right for Our relationship to benefit me and help me grow a a person as any & all relationships should.

    i have the right to be trusted; that trust may be lost but i have the right to ask for an opportunity to regain it back. i understand it is much easier lost than it is earned.

    i have the right to set limits and have them respected. i have the right to the use of my safeword; my limitations must be respected by me first, never pushing myself beyond what i can take, and by You second. i have the right to expect you to push my limitations.

    i have the right to be listened to; my opinions considered. i have the right to reason with You logically and emotionally and be treated with equal seriousness. i have the right to be heard but the final say will belong to You- i will trust in Your judgment what is best for me.

    i have the right to question Your motives should You deny any request(s), provided i do so in a respectably. i have the right to an answer if i feel it is justified.

    i have the right to ask for/seek Your attention without having to misbehave to get it.

    i have the right to address my needs, wants and desires with You. i have the right to be heard and have each considered with the same regard as my opinions. i have the right to have my needs, wants and desires considered by You with a Lover's heart.

    i have the right to expect to feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment for being seen as the needy sub i am, providing these emotions/sensations add to my pleasure.

    i have the right to ask for 'tenderness' on a bad day. i have the same right to consideration on this as i have any other want or desire. i have the right to be heard but the final say belongs to You- i will trust in Your judgment of what is best for me.
    i have the right after any 'scene' for 'after-care'. After-care includes but is not limited to tenderness, kisses, cuddles, love and making love to or being made love to. i have the right to my sensual Lover after any scene and not my Dom. i have a right to decline any and all of these things- i DO NOT have the right to decline them and withdraw myself nor the right to decline as a means to punish my Dom (also called 'topping from the bottom')

    i have a right to a strict set of rules and guidelines to follow. i have the right to a stern enforcement of those rules and guidelines.

    i have the right to be disciplined or punished for not adhering to my rules and guidelines. i have the right to a gentle but firm hand for You as i am administered my punishment. i have the right to receive my punishment with care and caution.

    i have the right to question Your commitment to Your level of control or Dominance. i understand this will be seen as a challenge of Your will and will be meet without the use of a safeword. i have the right to 'MERCY' when i feel again you are capable of being my Dom or if i feel You are not in control.

    i have the right not to be abused and not to be taken advantage of. i have the right to 'MERCY' if i ever feel i am being used or abused.

    i have the right to confront You respectfully or speak up if i ever feel the relationship is unhealthy or not meeting my needs.

    i have the right to walk away from my dom and my relationship with him without the fear of losing him.*

    i have the right to end the relationship with my dom if i feel We cannot resolve and issue.

    * Walking away will not be seen as the end of the relationship. It will be considered a 'break' a cooling off period. Before a relationship can be called to an end there must be a period of one week where both Dom and sub have had time to cool off and reflect.

    Last edited: Jun 29, 2010
  3. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Hm, this is indeed a good question. I like your list, btw.

    Some of the expectations of the sub apply to me as a dominant as well. Such as, "I have the right to see You as my Lover first and my sub second".

    Gosh this is really hard....

    Oh and welcome to the forum!
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A good list, and I would agree with most of it, but there are definitely doms and subs who would not agree with it. At least within the gay community, which is what I'm familiar with, there are a good percentage of subs who do not want an independent life, who crave being property 24/7, and who want brutal subjugation rather than respect. So, be aware that this project is your own persona statement rather than a universal one.

    I think doms have the right to be humans and not simply doms. They have emotional needs other than the need to be served, and sometimes they crave a companion rather than a slave. They are capable of mistakes, a lack of creativity, and unoriginality. They are not always the dom of their sub's dark fantasies. In short, they need to be imperfect.

    I think they also have a right to respect and deference. Being in control is predicated on the sub being able to submit, and a sub who is too willful or gamey can damage a dom's sense of dominance.
  5. Savelle

    Savelle New Member

    I agree Sebastian; this is a list which fits my personality. Its written in an introduction style- this is how I view a sub and if it is not the view a sub has for herself or wants for herself in a BDSM relationship the foundation is there for discussion of possible alterations (Nothing is concrete as the way I've approached the list as it is now, is based on the relationship I had at the time of writing it); like a negotiable contract one might prepare for a scene.

    Would I try an push my views on anyone? no. I included the list to demonstrate what I've tried to do.

    What you said, about respect and deference- That has been a struggle to put to words. I think every Dom has an expectation of the willingness and willful side of their sub to creatively counterbalance with their own style and mood. I wouldn't want to say I have the right to obedience, out-right; it is like you said, a sub must be able to commit themselves to following the instructions from their Dom but, over zealous behavior can quickly loss its appeal just as playful disobedience can loss its charm, but both can maintain a positive outlet for play. By saying I have a right to strict adherence: "My word is Law", in a literal sense a line is drawn where part of a partners personality is sacrificed.

    I say this is my analysis of the simple statement; someone might be perfectly fine with making the sacrifice or demanding it of someone else but my values cannot simply allow my to ask for obedience without conferring, conveying that, though I would ask the right to be obeyed, submission is a subjective term.
  6. TwistedSister

    TwistedSister New Member

    I think a submissive expects the Dom to be strong, persistent, feeling, confident, a teacher. I thinks a Dom has a right to be him/herself, the right to "read" by their sub ... as I write this it occurs to me that the rights and expectations for each are basically the the same. A sub and a Dom have the right to be respected., listened to, and heard.
  7. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    I am of the opinion, and that opinion comes from many years of experience, that each sub, and each dom is different. being such is the case, while i believe your list is a good list for you, as sebastian said, it will not work completely for everyone, and in my view, probably not as many people as you can think. If you want a more well rounded list, try this...

    I have the right to communicate my needs, desires, likes, and dislikes openly.
    I have the right to trust my partner and be trusted by my partner.
    I have the right to be viewed as a human first and a dom/sub second, unless that's not what I want.
    I have the right to be happy.
    I have the right to make my partner happy.

    and that should cover just about everything that is "universal" to everyone who engages in this lifestyle. Welcome to the forum, I'm sure you'll enjoy it here.

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