relationship question

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by snowflake357, Jan 31, 2008.

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  1. snowflake357

    snowflake357 New Member

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    Okay, this may be kind of a weird thing to ask, since most of you fully participate in the BDSM lifestyle..
    I am a bedroom submissive, and have gotten into a relationship over the past couple months. He has become my master, sexually. However, I'm not interested in this power extending into our relationship (outside of sex :p), and I can somewhat see that happening already. How can one maintain a relationship of equality while still practicing bondage in the bedroom?
    Does anyone have experience with this?

    Thanks :)
  2. DearElliot

    DearElliot Member

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    I believe this will be difficult

    My limited experience..Dominant men are not often simply dominant sexually they wish to be dominant nothing is always and Im sure there are exceptions...but my experience is I find a dominant male impossible to deal they often only respect aggressive responses..
    I do feel you have chance if you have the ability to take charge and demand equality and beyond, to a point where he will listen..Dont expect him to agree to any discussion dealing with fairness..thats not in his make up...he will only accept you as equal if you without hesitation stand up and demand it in no uncertain terms..but I dont know the guy your talking about, just my own experiences.
  3. ProfAnimus

    ProfAnimus New Member

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    worth more conversation!

    This is such an interesting and important question, that it makes one wish there was a lot more conversation on and around the subject. If someone knows of a good public discussion on this, I'd be thankful for a link.

    To draw the spatial line between bedroom and the rest of the universe,
    or to draw the mental line between sexual and non-sexual behaviour can sometimes be a lot more complicated task than it first sounds like. We can imagine someone who is sexually turned on by seemingly non-sexual injustice (livingroom becoming the bedroom) just as well as we can imagine someone losing control on all levels of one's life just because he/she feels the need to be sexually dominated (bedroom becoming the livingroom).

    In any human relationship with a sexual dimension involved there is the element of power that can be misused. Generally I would make a guess that people who are aware of (at least) their curiousity to "bdsm" are already somewhat more in terms with their nature and the necessity to set some borders for it; not to tame but to separate the cruel sexual (primordial?) beasts from the thinking and fair (civilized?) parts of our personalities.

    And for us who value equality as high as we do, it's necessary to find some methods of breaking these taboos and discussing them - without spoiling the excitement they hold within.

    As far as i understand it, you have no problem talking about this aloud with your master either. Being able to stand for yourself verbally when you feel the need to draw the line is very good already. It would be tempting to call a Dom who'd take the sub's opinion as something less worthy than his/her own an idiot, and I'm sure we're not dealing with idiots here, but with individuals who have a different ideas on how much of their lives should they let the flames of their sexuality engulf.

    As a Dom I am personally attracted to strong willed subs in this sense; the type with whom I can be certain they won't let me go too far. It's a delicate balance of trust, and in this sense it's very important you let him know when you feel you're taking a step outside the "bedroom". Judging by the very short post here you sound like a strong person too...

    It's been long since you posted this. I'm very curious to follow the story further. How has it developed? Have you managed to keep your relationship equal outside the bedroom, and how?
  4. nix

    nix Guest

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    I was worried about the same thing in my relationship. I was lucky because it sorted itself out, and now my gf is completely dominant in the bedroom and we're equals otherwise.
    I think that if these things are meant to work out, they will.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2008
  5. Kayrope

    Kayrope New Member

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    Hi I'm new, so what I have to say might or might not be useful.

    Just tell him. Tell him the limits of the "game" are either the bedroom or when sex is in the air.

    Generally this is how we run it. Normal every day life we are equal partners (well sometimes I push my luck, but that's mainly for gits and shiggles). Even during normal sex we are generally equal partners, it is only when we "activate" the fun and games that things get very master/slave.

    There is a natural undercurrent of it in the normal day, however mostly this is for things like inside jokes around our friends to keep things spicy.

    Talk to him, tell him whats what.
  6. TCfreshsub

    TCfreshsub New Member

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    Thank you for all the great advice. I'm a tad novice to it all and found this helpful!!
  7. venefica

    venefica New Member

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    my advice would be talk, talk, talk. Tell your Dom what you feel, that you want an equal relationship outside the bedroom, for all you know he think you want to take the D/s into the rest of your lives. You can not expect him to know what you want unless you tell him.
  8. PTs_Pet

    PTs_Pet New Member

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    I guess it's possible that all you ever are interested in being is a bedroom Sub - which is your right and not 'wrong' b/c it's what you want and are comfortable with.. and he may want to end up with a full time lifestyle in and out the bedroom Sub situation? i guess like previously suggested the best step towards a solution is to talk about it.. what are your individual long term desires and expectations out of the activities you engage in?

    personally, i'd previously engaged in some mild Sub play with selected individuals who were worth of the trust but would absolutely NEVER considered a full blown Dom/Sub relationship in the bedroom or outside the bedroom until i met PT who is worthy and deserving of all of it.

    W/we're still sort of defining things as we go but communication is the key for us.
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