Question on play/mood

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by rufusz, Dec 19, 2012.

  1. rufusz

    rufusz New Member

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    Thank you for this great intro! I'm completely new to BDSM and I've enjoyed reading these posts (and also others) and learned a lot of important things!

    I also have a question, don't know if it's the best place to post, please let me know if I should move it.

    So, together with my girlfriend we are thinking of getting some BDSM, pain, wax stuff into our relationship. We will start easy with some waxing, some light bondage. We are both inexperienced with complete domination, so we don't know how to start the play. Should we start with some normal foreplay to get into mood and then switch or first should we have foreplay and make her come without penetration and then switch or have sex and then switch? Or just start with bondaging and waxing, but then should I (male, dom) also do some sexual things to her?

    My concern is that until now we only had "regular sex" and positive stimulation, of course with some in-between spanking and nipple pulling and all that regular stuff, but now we want to try something else and don't want to end up in a play where we don't get in the mood or fall-back.

    Does it make any sense? :confused:
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Rufusz: The FAQ is not the place to ask specific questions about your particular situation. Post those in a new thread. But I'll make a couple statements about a first-time session that inexperienced people can adapt to their own play. I'm going to write this to the dom; if you're the sub, you might show this to your dom. I'm going to assume the sub is male (I'm gay, get over it).

    Start out by having a conversation with your sub. Find out what he wants to try and what he wants to put out of bounds for the moment. My advice is to leave anything really heavy or frightening out of your first session. This is about discovering the pleasures of power exchange. After you've talked with your sub, don't play right away. Wait a day or two to build some excitement and help you plan things out. Don't try to script your session, but maybe come up with an outline to follow in your head.

    1) Have the sub come into your presence. You can either stand or sit, but you should be dressed. Order the sub to undress, item by item ("take off your shirt. Now take off your shoes and socks...") When the sub is naked, move over to the sub and inspect his body. Touch him, caress his body, make comments about what can be improved (unless your sub is really insecure about his looks). Get to the sexual parts last. Make him bend over and display his ass. Finger his asshole. Squeeze his cock and balls or nipples. This idea here is to objectify the sub's body and establish that his body is your plaything. Take your time with this whole step--it builds tension and excitement and makes it clear that you're playing at your pace, not his pace. Staying clothed while your sub is naked reinforces the power differential.

    2) Order the sub to kneel. Ask him if he wishes to serve you for a few hours. Give him a safe word. (I often say "If I don't hear that safe word come out of your mouth, I'm gonna do whatever I feel like to you.") Then order the sub to worship you. The sub is to caress your body, lick your boots, rub his face in your crotch, talk about how wonderful you are, and so on. This part may feel awkward if you've never had it done before, but again, this is about establishing your superior position. You can tell the sub how to worship you or you can let the sub do what he's inspired to do. Hold off on getting any oral service for the moment. I often tell the sub that he's not convincing me he's glad to be there.

    3) When you're ready for oral service (getting head), draw the sub's head to your crotch and ask him if he wants to suck/lick/finger you. When he says yes, tell him you don't think he's eager enough. Make him beg for it. Remind him what a reward your cock/pussy is, and he's going to have to give you his best service if he wants to get that reward again. You can draw this out--make him beg to see your cock/pussy, then make him beg to touch it. You can order him to use just his tongue to start with, then let him add his lips, then his fingers. If you like humiliation play, tell him he's not doing a very good job, or give him instructions about what you particularly like. Again, this reminds him of who's in charge.

    4) Once you're satisfied, give your sub some attention. This is the time to tie him up, or spank him, or do whatever forms of play he's said he's curious about. Once you've done whatever kinky play you enjoy for a little while (maybe 15 minutes), get more specifically sexual with him. Stroke his cock, suck it, use a toy on his ass. Then go back to kinky play, and alternate these. Build up his arousal this way, but don't let him cum. Make it clear that he doesn't get to cum until you give permission. Throw in more sex--oral service for you, fucking him, whatever you enjoy.

    5) When you're ready to finish (and you probably don't want your first session running more than 2 hours), get yourself off (in your preferred fashion) first. If you like humiliation, consider cumming on his face or body or making him lick your cum off you. Then make him beg for permission to cum. Let him get himself off or get him off yourself. There are two reasons to do it in this order. A) It re-affirms your dominant position. B) Some subs' ability to be submissive declines sharply after orgasm. Their ability to handle pain probably declines. So letting the sub cum first may leave the sub struggling to finish the scene.

    6) Once your sub has cum, play is over for this first session. Untie him if he's still tied, remove any pain toys, and proceed to aftercare (explained in a different post of the FAQ). Ask him what he liked the most, what he wanted more of, and what he liked least or would have liked to be done differently. Share your own feelings about what you liked and didn't like. Talk about what you might like to add next time.

    Obviously there is a lot of room to customize this according to your particular interests and limits. Don't rush this session, but don't go much over an hour or two, even if things are really going well. You want to finish with both of you eager for more. Likewise, don't try every form of play you're interested in--try one or two things. Tie him up and spank him; next time tie him up, blindfold him, spank him and torture his tits. The idea here is to slowly explore, add one or two new things each time, until you've built up a repertoire of things to do and you've developed the confidence to play without planning things out.
  3. rufusz

    rufusz New Member

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    Sebastian: Thank you. Exactly what I was looking for. I'm sure once we somehow start experiencing these new things, fantasy will catch up pretty fast and we'll figure out on ourselves. :D
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Let me also add that hot wax is probably not a good form of play for a first session. It's very messy, requires specialized tools (you do know that not all candles are good for this sort of play, right?), and there is some potential for giving the sub burns; getting injured the first time you do BDSM is going to put you off BDSM for a while. I would suggest learning basic power exchange and work toward wax play--read up on it, find the tools, have a good discussion with your sub, and do it as the first big 'pushing boundaries' session after you've learned the basics.
  5. spike

    spike New Member

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    sebastian: that is great, thank you. I always have hard time how to run the whole session.

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