Question of Ethics

Blue62 · Oct 31, 2009

Ok a friend of mine (long story short) was raised as a slave (literally) and has been struggling with the sudden lack of both 'owners' (dad arrested for rape sharges relating to abduction, torture and sexual assult in the beginning of the summer and mom killed)
Evidentaly she has picked up a mistriss overseas- she lives in England (though knowing the other party who denies it, unsure who to belive) and that kind of started some things around in my mind

I've recently started exploring BDSM with a freind (almost exclusively through roleplaying wiht our respective characters) and vaguelly wondered if it would be ethical to ask my friend if she would be my 'pet' through email and IM, considering her extremely abusive past and continues struggles with the mindset she' was forced into (she's cited genetics for her submissiveness)

thoughts?

My Love My Lord · Oct 31, 2009

My opinion is that she needs to work through some sort of counseling more that have someone make her their pet. One of the things about BSDM that I love is “safe, sane, and consensual”. Sounds like if she was truly raised as a slave then the consensual part of the equation is missing with her. Even though she’s now an adult (I assume she’s over 18 now), it doesn’t sound like she’s had the opportunity to learn about herself and discover what she wants. She’s just going back to what she knows. In my mind, this isn’t consent, it’s just more mind games. If after some counseling and self discovery she decides that she truly enjoys BDSM, for herself, not because someone raised her to be that way, then I would rethink the offer. But, until that happens, I think you would only be perpetuating a bad situation and not allowing her to grow as a person.

Sparrow69 · Oct 31, 2009

i agree with MLML on this one. She cannot function as a person capable of rational thought at this point in her life if she went thought he experiences you have described, and it would be highly unethical of you to abuse your position of respect as a friend to fulfil your own needs at her expense, and you could do more psychological damage then good. Help her get counseling, help her stand on her own two feet for a while. In the future she wants to return to a subservient life, she'll come to you, or she may not, but either way that choice will be hers alone to make and it will be made freely.

Blue62 · Nov 1, 2009

She's 23 as of a few days ago and *did* manage to escape for about five years when she was 17- the recent charges relate to her kidnapping, torture and rape which left her pregnant (later aborted for related injuries)

It's come up in conversations that she feels lost without the control and I'm more concerned about her falling in with some F-ed up sadist who will take advantage of her- when it's the the point that she freaks out and prepares for punishment because she thinks her adopted family *might* be mad at her and runs away on her birthday for associating it with actual birthday beats- hell, I just don't want her hurt more than she has been and I don't have the stomach for some of the more gruesome things that have happened to my fictional characters.

My Love My Lord · Nov 1, 2009

I understand the desire to step in and try to protect your friend. I just don't think this is the way to do it. It sounds like she's been thru hell and is just lost right now.

One of the key components to consent though is free will. Doesn't sound like thats something she's familiar with. I think the best thing you can do is to help her get the counseling she needs and support her as she learns who she is as opposed to what others want her to be.

GreyMac · Nov 1, 2009

I don't intend to appear to be ganging up on you here but this poor girl is so emotionally scarred that she has no idea how to make basic decisions, let alone live a life of her own. Your impulse to protect her is a good one but protection in this instance means getting her professional help. Please resist the urge to continue the type of life that made her this way.

It's obvious to us that you mean well and genuinely care what happens to her. Help insure that what happens is in HER best interest. Be the friend she so desperately needs.

I totally agree with Sparrow and My Love/ML; You and she both will be so much better off if you let her heal first. Even if she doesn't end up with you, you will have done a great kindness for her that will help the rest of her life.

Mephistopheles · Nov 1, 2009

My Love said:
I understand the desire to step in and try to protect your friend. I just don't think this is the way to do it. It sounds like she's been thru hell and is just lost right now.

One of the key components to consent though is free will. Doesn't sound like thats something she's familiar with. I think the best thing you can do is to help her get the counseling she needs and support her as she learns who she is as opposed to what others want her to be.

Eloquent and succinct... and right on the money.

Over the past year or so there have been some stories in the news (here in America and in Europe) about someone being kept locked in a basement, shed, etc., for years at a time, obviously against their will. My first thought upon hearing these stories was one of horror, not intrigue. The people responsible for this are pure evil and there's undoubtedly a lot of damage that must be undone and help/support that must be given to the victim.

My second thought on hearing of such things was that the victims should be given a baseball bat and unfettered access to their oppressors. All too often, here in the States anyway, it seems like the criminal has more rights that the victim. I can't help but think a sense of justice/vengeance/payback would assist in the healing process. Too much? Perhaps.

Be a friend first.

AMgirl · Nov 1, 2009

Agreed, this poor young woman needs nothing but mental therapy right now. If you really want to help and protect her, help her find a very good therapist that specializes in ptsd and children. I know she is an adult, but when children undergo great trauma, the brain can only focus on surviving, and not growing. In a lot of ways her brain is likely still functioning and processing like a young child's would, which only makes her all the more vulnerable.

Question of Ethics

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