Question from a 100% Virgin Newbie

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by laGuera, May 12, 2011.

  1. laGuera

    laGuera New Member

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    I live in Mexico. My "job" is legal here. Very high priced, selective type stuff, because I am a white woman, blond and blue eyed. I am an unusual commodity in this part of the country, so they pay. Big.
    Anyway, the reason I am here is I have a prospective client who claims to be into something I am uncertain about.
    Pasted below are his exact words:
    "In the interests of full disclosure (and saving time) - I am a VERY selfish dominant - it is only my pleasure that I care about. If you even pretend to waste my time with your needs then we'd never get along."
    I have not asked him exactly what he means. Because from a business perspective it is better if I am able to act as though none of this surprises me and that I know what he is after. But, I really do not know what it means. Have NEVER heard a request like this. So I decided to post this here in the hopes that some fine person on this site can take some time and answer me.
    An explanation of what this might mean, what this guy could be after. I don't want to say the wrong thing and sound inexperienced or unsure and run him off because the amount of money involved will allow me to live WELL for about 6 months.
    So, here, I confess complete ignorance and I am extremely eager to learn and will greatly appreciate the time and effort of anyone who can give me a clue.
    Thanks a million,
    la Guera
  2. WrathofThor

    WrathofThor New Member

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    Hi laGuera,

    The only person who knows what he means is him. It could range from relatively innocent to something extreme and dangerous. I'm sure that most professional dungeons that have dom/sub services have a lengthy interviewing process to be able to establish what the client is interested in and also to make sure it can be safely achieved. So, I wouldn't worry AT ALL about withholding these questions to sound "professional" because they are a professional necessity to ask.

    What happens after that will depend entirely on his response. In safe/sane/consensual play, it's important for the dominant partner to respect the wishes and boundaries of his sub. From that point of view, I would already dismiss this guy as being an abusive asshole and be very careful dealing with him. If the price tag entices you enough to look into it, make sure you do the following:

    1) Find out EXACTLY what he wants so there are NO SURPRISES if his fantasies and desires sound reasonable to you.
    2) Meet him in person first, in public, and with a friend of yours.
    3) Make sure your friend knows exactly where and when you and this guy are together, if you decide to go through with it.
    4) Have a way to signal to your friend that something has gone wrong if it does.

    When playing in BDSM (bondage/discipline, domination/submission, sadism/masochism), you always need to have a "safeword", which tells the dom he needs to stop what he's doing. Anything that goes on after the safeword is spoken is rape and truly abusive. That's why I say he is most likely an abusive asshole: BDSM is about both people enjoying themselves and about the two of you enjoying each others' fantasies. The submissive person is someone who actually ENJOYS being dominated, and vice versa, and at the end of a good "scene" or play session both people will feel satisfaction.

    My advice: leave this guy alone. The money's not worth the risk because he could be very dangerous and if he's coming off that strongly then he's not likely to respect you at all!

    You can do a search for BDSM for common fantasies and ways of playing. The best definition I found is taking something that would otherwise be very unpleasant and making it erotic. Like whipping someone, spanking them, tying them up, humiliating them, making them drink piss, etc... and everyone has different tastes, there are as many as there are people interested. If it's not erotic to you, chances are it's going to be VERY unpleasant!
  3. new1

    new1 Member

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    laGuera, I am so glad you are researching before you jumped in.

    WrathofThor; I'm glad you answered that so well, I was having trouble placing my words in a way that would have been constructive. I just kept thinking.. 'leaping off of a bridge' Wow.
  4. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

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    Welcome to the Forums LaGuera.

    In the simplest terms, BDSM is a power exchange. Basically, every possible kink you could ever think of is possible, but at the core of it, lies an agreement of two people to enter a loopsided relationship. One person, the dominant, gives orders and the other, the submissive, follows. Orders can be as simple as "look left" but generally involve some sort of sexual, hurtful or humiliating element. In order to distinguish these actions from harm and violence, the general consensus is that all actions are governed by either the S.S.C. (Safe, Sane & Consensual) or RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) principles. You can find definitions in the FAQ in this forum. Both principles boil down to the same thing though, ensure that everything that happens is well thought out, that all necessary safety precautions are taken, everyone involved needs to know what he is in for and everyone emotionally involved needs to be okay with what happens. In the end, BDSM is more about trust than anything else, both in yourself and your partner.

    It is also important to note, that from a psychological standpoint, there is a reversal of power. On the outside, the dominant holds all the power, on the inside, the dominants power is entirely reliant on the submissives consent and continued participation, making the submissive the one who actually is in power.

    In regards to your client, consider the following train of thought:
    Two scenarios are possible here, either he knows what BDSM is and wants to practice it safely or he does not know what BDSM is (or doesn't care) and simply wants to abuse. If it was the first case, he would approach you by probing what you know about the subject and wether or not you are into it. In the later case, he is likely to build some sort of pseudo morality that satisfies his concience, like a one time consent.
    He did give you an idea of his desires, but he also made it very clear that he does not care about yours in the least. Instead of approaching a woman or place that caters to his specific interests, he approached you. He successfully drew you in with the incentive of a large sum of money.

    Now, ask yourself, how likely is it, that a man who only cares for his selfish desires and has outright stated so, would take the time and care needed to introduce you to BDSM in a reasonable and safe way? Would he even make good on his promise of payment (at all or in the discussed quantity) in a situation where he holds total power over you? And finally, do you think you would come out sane and healthy from such an encounter without any experience and understanding of what has happened? Personally, I doubt it.

    What you need to understand is that BDSM is charged with psychological tension that requires time and knowledge to be dealt with. Many things we do are outright wrong were it not for the informed consent of the participants. Three nights ago, I strung my fiance up by her arms and whipped her for almost an hour. Between the two of us, it is a sexual game because we both consented, knew what we were in for, took all necessary safety precautions and most importantly, because we both got something out of it. My fiancé enjoys being whipped, I enjoy whipping her. If I did this to a person I just met without her knowing and agree to it specifically, it would be abuse.

    When it comes to BDSM, it is better to err on the side of caution. From my point of view, the mere fact that you are here asking these questions tells me that you are not ready for this client.
  5. jacy

    jacy New Member

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    I think he wants to legally rape you.

    Do you mind if I ask how being paid for sexual services is legal? I am not judging, I am just a very curious person.

    a pm would be fine if you don't want to say here.

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