Personals Posting and Reply Guide

Discussion in 'BDSM and Fetish personals' started by Smallest, May 1, 2014.

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  1. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    While the advice below is a guide, not a rulebook, it is a rule to respect other members and treat them well. Abusive behaviour will not be tolerated.

    Using the Personals Forum

    When posting a personal ad:
    • Make the title clear and concise
    • Be specific about what you want
    • Be safe. Don't share your main email/skype immediately (if posted in your thread, you risk it being lifted for spammers anyway)
    • Share whatever details you are comfortable with
    • Focus on the details important to you. Want someone for cybering? List some stuff about what you roleplay. Want someone for not-just-kink? List hobbies and other interests as well. Want it non sexual? Avoid unnecessary physical details.
    • State how you want to be contacted- in the thread, by PM, by email, etc
    • Be polite when you turn someone down.

    When replying to a personal ad:
    • Approach people who are looking for what you have to give. If you are a straight male sub, do not approach a female sub and try to grovel at her until she humiliates you. If you are a dom, don't try to convince other doms that they want to submit to you. They don't.
    • Do not send the same copy/pasted messages to every person. Write a real response, or at least edit it and
    • Show that you actually care and can make an effort in your messages. Part because it is polite, and part because if you do not, people will assume you are just as lazy a partner the rest of the time.
    • Check when the ad was posted and when the member was last online before you reply.
    • Unless the ad directly states that it is what the person wants, do not start by approaching them with explicit fantasies. It is rude, and it is not safe, sane, and consensual.
    • Reply in the manner requested in the thread (thread reply, PM, email, etc)
    • Give details about yourself and participate in the conversation. If you are the one contacting someone, you should be showing why.
    • No answer is an answer.

    In general:
    • Be careful with your information
    • Be honest and direct
    • Be patient
    • Use readable text. Not chat speak, not weird colour fonts, not broken statements.
    • Do not try to start domming or submitting to the person (such as by sending a grovelling message to a Domme or talking down to a sub) until after you have obtained their consent and mutual interest
    • If you are new to kink, read the FAQ, Etiquette, and any other threads of interest, so you can say something other than 'I want to try things!' and can conduct yourself well
    • Respect the other person, whether they're dom, sub, switch, sadist, masochist, man, woman, whatever.
    • Reply to your messages, and keep an eye on your inbox (or email, or thread). It isn't nice to disappear on people.
    • Remember that despite someone's role in BDSM, they are their own person. A sub can refuse you. A dom can need a hug.
    • If someone says 'no,' safewords, or turns you down, let them. Do not harass them, try to change their mind, or continue a scene. It does not matter if they were the one who approached you. It does not matter if they seemed interested before. It does not matter if you want them. It does not matter if you think they are rude. If someone says that they are not interested or want to stop, that is the only thing that matters. Stop immediately and cease contact.
    • Report abuse. We cannot do much if it occurs off of the forum, but if someone is displaying predatory behaviour or harassing you, we can do our best. * If you feel immediately threatened, call 911 or your country's emergency code.

    Now, if you don't know exactly how to say what you need...

    A General Form and Format Guide for Posts:

    If I was seeking kinky cybering, this would look like:
    If I was looking for people to talk kink with:
    Or if I was looking for a serious long term partner:

    Replies should follow the same format, and take their cues from the original personal ad. Always be polite.

    A basic reply:

    If I was replying to a personal looking for a sub, I might say

    Or perhaps if it was on Fetlife or something similar

    I hope this has been helpful and will aid you in your relationship-seeking endeavours here and on other sites.

    NB: I (Smallest) am not seeking, and not into every one of the things I mentioned. All examples here are only examples.
    * The forum and mods have a wealth of knowledge on online safety, how to report criminal behaviour in person or online (stalking, harassment, threats), and how to respond to messages that make you uncomfortable. I (Smallest) am reachable by PM, and if my inbox is full, there is a link to my tumblr at the bottom of this post, and you can send an Ask. I am also Smallest on Fetlife.
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2015
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