Other Doms?

Allie · Nov 8, 2008

My Master and I have had an internet and real life relationship. We are long distance and have been together for almost two years now. We have been together IRL several times and I am moving to his apartment in a few months time.

I recently met one of his friends, the first one who was a Domme. The only one I give a lot of respect to is Master, so I treated this girl just as I would any other person. She treated me as a submissive, and I'm not used to that aside from when my Master treats me that way. So I started complaining and talking back, and soon enough we were screaming at each other the entire time. Master is mad at me over this, but I don't think I need to obey anyone but him. I don't want to listen to another person's orders and obey them. Only him.

Is it wrong of me to have acted like this? I know I went a little too far, but I don't think she had any right to order me around and expect me to do as she said. My Maser thinks that I should see all other Dom/mes as above me, but I don't feel that way at all. I think that as long as I'm not their sub, they deserve as much respect as they earn from me.

Share your opinions?

Moskva · Nov 8, 2008

Honestly, I think you (sort of) did the right thing.

Yes, you are submissive, but that doesnt mean you should follow the orders of other dom/mes. You are under the control of one person and ONE PERSON only.

Yes, you did go a little too far. As a friend of your master's - you should have shown her great respect, but she should have also given you the respect that you are not her submissive.

Talk to your Master about this and gauge his reaction. If the reaction he gives is not what you were looking for, then you need to end the relationship. I know thats hard to think about since you've been with him for so long, but if the relationship doesnt please both parties then he isnt the right person for you.

ReallyGreen · Nov 9, 2008

Your Master's friend is a dick (even if she doesn't have one), not a domme. I have to agree with Moskva on this matter.

Allie · Nov 9, 2008

Thank you. I talked to him about it. At first he was still a little mad because of how disrespectful I was to her, but then I apologized for that and we sat down and talked about it. He said that he'd speak with her about it and that he'd make sure that his friends in the future would show me more respect.

Allie · Nov 9, 2008

I don't know what to do now. I just found out that he is giving videos and pictures of me to her. Without my permission. I told him when I gave him the pictures and videos of myself that I didn't want other people seeing it. To some people its okay, but for me its not. I really don't want people seeing me naked, let alone people I don't trust nor like.

I told him this and he just says "Sorry". As if that does anything. And he just keeps on giving them even after he apologized. I don't know what to do now. Was it me or him that should have acted differently?

Moskva · Nov 10, 2008

Him, definitely.

As I've said before, while you are a submissive you still have the right to basic respect and the ability to set your own limits. If you clearly stated to him that you didnt want anyone else to see those pictures then not only did he disrespect you on an extremely high level, but he broke an oral contract - which is legally binding.

Im sure the idea of suing him is out of the question, but just to throw that out there.

Talk to him about it. Yes, he is the dominant - but he should abide by the rules that you set as well. In all honesty, "submissives are the ones with the true power. All they have to do is say the safety word and everything stops."

If he tries to pull this "I am dominant and I can do what I want" crap - then, like I said, maybe you should reevaluate your relationship. You should probably be doing that anyways since this is the second time in less than a half of a week that you have had a problem with the way he was running the show.

Ask that he take back any pictures/videos that the Domme may still have and (if this would make you feel more comfortable) keep them with your things so that you know where they are at all times.

Sorry to be rambling, (but they're all valid points) I'll wrap this up with one last tidbit. If you havent thought about this before (or dont already have one) maybe you two should negotiate out a (written) contract. Yeah its time consuming and a little boring to do - but it will outline what both of you are willing and not willing to do so these situations wont happen as often, it at all.

ReallyGreen · Nov 11, 2008

Moskva said:
bit. If you havent thought about this before (or dont already have one) maybe you two should negotiate out a (written) contract. Yeah its time consuming and a little boring to do - but it will outline what both of you are willing and not willing to do so these situations wont happen as often, it at all.

I'd recommend finding a new playmate myself. Your dom has clearly demonstrated twice (that we know of) that he doesn't care what you want/think [Hello, he's giving compromising pictures of you away... how many websites are those going to be on next week???] . Thats not a D/s relationship, thats being an abusive ass.

As Dan Savage would say, "DTMFA".

Fire_burns · Nov 11, 2008

Hey Allie,
I read your thread with extreme interest. I must say that while I sympathize I am not sure what kind of fix all action you have in mind. The Dom~Sub relationship is about trust in most cases. I understand you not wanting yourself exposed and personally agree with you, but short of leaving your master, I don't know how you expect this behavior to change.
I read earlier suggestions that a written contract may be brought into your relationship, but this seems strange and wrong to me. As a Dom if a Sub approached me and told me how and what was allowed by a written contract I would be offended and upset. I would not want to be a Dom for that person long.
That being said you should be respected, you should have the right to say when something is too much. If your master is not giving that to you he is violating your trust. Frankly I would not give him anymore videos or pics. I would not move in with him. You have the right to say no if something bothers you. If your not willing to do anything about it you have to put up with it. If it does bother you that much I would say that you will have to find a new Dom who matches you a little better. I wish there were an easier way, but a good Dom is hard to find. If this one isn't your match it is better you end it now before you move in with him.

Moskva · Nov 11, 2008

Fire_burns said:
As a Dom if a Sub approached me and told me how and what was allowed by a written contract I would be offended and upset.

A lot of people think of a contract differently. You must think that one is strict and unbreakable, but the contracts and articles about them I've read make me see a "simple" contract as more of an outline of duties for the slave as well as the Dom/me. Which, of course, can be broken at any time should one or both parties feel its time to part.

Of course, im not trying to change your opinion, just wanted to clarify mine.

But, I agree with Fire and Green, he is just an ass and apparently just wants to exploit you. I didnt want to be sooo blunt with that earlier, but its the truth.

PTs_Pet · Nov 11, 2008

I'm just going to chime in real quick on the contract issue and impart just a little personal info.. my Sir is my fiance. I am his sub. We prepared a simple 'contract' that outlined my promises to Him as my Sir like I'd always do my best to serve him, respect him always, yield to him. There was also what I expected from him as my Master - such as his nuturing, protection, boundaries such as while humiliation is a part of what we choose to get into, he'd not engage in humiliation in front of others like fam/friends - who are clueless to our choices.

Also discussed was how this Dom/sub aspect of our life would affect our household, public lives, etc. On the functional, less lovey dovey side of that was my hard limits such as public play or social interactions in the lifestyle/community until more comfortable and acclimated, we defined for our relationship as a couple and as a Dom/sub what we consider to be inappropriate contact/interaction with 3rd persons so that there's no gray area. Part of this discusses sharing of various forms of media w/ 3rd persons as well as disclosing to fam/friends the meaning of my collar if asked.

the contract was of course not all inclusive as i don't think one can cover ALL the bases.. but since He and i began in a vanilla regular monog relationship and made the decision as a couple to embark on this journey still devoted to each other, the contract just affords us both some understanding and clarity of our individual perspectives and self-imposed responsibilities in this new part of our life. Since this is individually our first full on Dom/sub relationship and there is definitely a power exchange taking place in and outside the bedroom, i find some comfort in that contract and it made me feel good to think when He reads it he can be that much more reminded of my committment and dedication to Him.

over time as our comfort levels change or interests change, we can go back and amend it.

i just personally feel that if any one person is giving control of their life over to another, why not just memorialize some boundaries whatever they may be and hammer out some definitions.. be proactive, not reactive, as my Sir always tells me. if you lay out some ground rules and either one of ya'll breaks a rule, at least he/she can't say 'oh, gee, i didn't know, you didn't tell me'. Also, just working on it led to several different great conversations that We/e'd not even has cause to discuss prior to.

just my 2 cents worth anyway.

on the main topic though, Allie, I think your Master's friend was out of line, even if she is a Dom, she is not YOUR Dom. it's not like your Master, you and the friend were engaged in a scene, right? and you were ordered by your Master to obey the friend/Dom, and that's when you rebelled? .. that would be different. I take it you were in the presence of these two in a social setting. Now if your Master was also your boyfriend/fiance/husband when the friend was so disrespectful of you, he could have stepped in as you significant other. I think that might be the misguided response you were expecting.

re the pic/vid sharing.. well, if you didn't set media sharing with 3rd persons as a hard limit in the beginning and again, this Master is not also your significant other that crosses that line.. and you never actually told him, 'hey, i dont agree for you to share my pics/vids w/ anyone else'.. but then after you discovered he was doing this you did tell him you dont consent to that occurring and he still does it... that's warning flares to me chick. there's no way i'd still be considering moving in with him if he cannot respect your boundaries while not living together.

Moskva, i'm with you.. all the reading and research i've done always suggests/recommends a contract ESPECIALLY in Master/slave scenarios.. and that even the harder core contracts allow for what ifs and revisions or even terms to cause termination - by either party.

Fire, I'm sorry you'd feel that a request for contract (by any definition) would cause you to be upset and offended.. I guess it goes to show how differently people interpret various things.. I'd think if you were entertaining a potential new sub/slave .. the fact that he/she would want to memorialize the committment and devotion being made to each other and the relationship, would feel more like an honor and express your sub/slaves dedication to you.

Other Doms?

Allie

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Moskva

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ReallyGreen

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Allie

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Allie

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Moskva

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ReallyGreen

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Fire_burns

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Moskva

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PTs_Pet

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