ok here's the thing....

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by elmo12303, Apr 30, 2013.

  1. elmo12303

    elmo12303 New Member

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    Okay, here's what is troubling me... I want to give my wife what she's been longing for and a year ago she told me she was desiring the need to have this in our life(bdsm)....she wished for me to be the dominant in her life and didn't want to have control of certain aspects as this was possibly sending her life into a spiral... Now some background on my wife... she was a former addict which i had gotten clean, she developed bipolar or it had been hidden by the drugs, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder, with dissociative disorder. All of which she and her therapist have handled with medication... but there are things that make her withdraw....life situations that suddenly arise that overwhelm her....how can I make this happen(being the dominant) and have the wife i want/need and enjoy everything that this lifestyle can bring us?
  2. justine1387

    justine1387 Member

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    i would say communication is key. Maybe discuss exactly what each other want so there are no surprises that can throw things off.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Ok, so your wife is a recovering addict who suffers from bi-polarity, ocd, and dissociative disorder, and she's saying she wants to be submissive to you? Do I have that right?

    I'm no mental health specialist, but I think you're treading on very dangerous grounds. BDSM can be confusing, frightening, and overwhelming for a fully stable and mentally healthy person; trying to do it with a woman who suffers from as many psychological issues as your wife is going to be extremely challenging. BDSM involves a lot of contradictions and paradoxes--you hurt the person you love, the sub wants what she doesn't want, and so on. These contradictions require dom and sub to have a firm foundation of rules, guiding principles, and ethics to help them stay oriented while they turn their perspectives upside down and go down into some of the darkest parts of the human psyche. It's not too hard to get lost, for consensual play to turn into abuse, for doms to cause real harm to subs unintentionally, and so on. I've seen subs have sudden outbursts of tears or anger during play (my first slave once broke down in the middle of a flogging and cried uncontrollably for half an hour about how his mother never loved him). Not everyone can handle the intensity of BDSM, and I suspect that your wife could be one of them.

    But it sound like you really want to try this out, and she wants it too. So here's what I'd suggest if you decide to explore.

    1) Confine your BDSM to bedroom play only. Don't try to do lifestyle BDSM (in which she gives up control over her daily life, does all the chores, and obeys all your commands). Consensual slavery is remarkably challenging emotionally, and I could easily see it overwhelming her and triggering a relapse to her addiction, a major depressive incident, or something like that. If she's Bipolar and OCD, she has a tendency toward extremes, and lifestyle BDSM might really draw that out of her.
    2) Keep your BDSM light and playful. Do spankings, light torture, light bondage, control of what sexual activities you do and so on; don't do heavy pain play, verbal abuse, humiliation, or serious punishment. Those latter items are things that tend to bring up deep emotional issues and tend to flip a normal relationship upside down (you're insulting the woman you love, treating her harshly and so on). Your wife needs to feel at all times that you love and respect her and that she has a right to stop play whenever she needs to. If you decide to venture into those darker areas, do it very slowly and stop if she starts to have a serious reaction. Make sure you keep fantasy play and your real relationship firmly distinct.
    3) Make sure she has a safe word and understands that she can stop at any time. Subs want to please their doms, and your wife has a tendency to go to extremes, so her instincts are probably going to be that she has to endure as much pain as possible. She needs to understand that safe wording isn't failure; it's a basic health and safety technique. She needs to accept her limits.
    4) If possible, talk to her therapist about this. This is tricky. Many therapists see BDSM as unhealthy, even though it's not considered pathological by the mental health organizations. Hopefully your therapist is kink-friendly, or at least open-minded. Being able to discuss your kinky behavior with a trained specialist who understands your wife's issues would be ideal, because the therapist might be able to warn you away from forms of play that might set your wife off.
    5) Before you do this, get some books on BDSM (the Newcomer's FAQ has a good reading list) and learn what constitutes healthy BDSM. That's basic advice for any new BDSM couple, and I think it goes double for you.

    Again, my advice would be to not do this. There are lots of subs out there who are too emotionally damaged to do BDSM in a way that is safe and healthy, and it really sounds like your wife falls into that category. But obviously you know her way better than I do.
    Last edited: May 4, 2013
  4. hephaestus

    hephaestus New Member

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    Hmmm I agree with what you say and you sound more astute than most I have heard on this topic. What I would say is that I endorse your advice to not go along this road......It just requires too many paradox's and contradictions and suspensions of normaility.

    However I would also say to Elmo...... you need to focus on getting to a place that she is confident well and in an emotionally stable place. That way a discussion on exploring aspects of you sexual identity which will have more meaning.
    Last edited: May 4, 2013
  5. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

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    As sebastian said many aspects of bdsm seem paradoxical and contradictory.
    This, I think, stems from the concept that some emotions and sensations are much more vibrant and much more powerful if there is another emotion/sensation to contrast it. Without the contrast of pain the pleasure just feels 'good'. With it the sub has a frame of reference, they can truly appreciate just how much pleasure they're feeling because they're receiving pain too. There are of course physiological reasons why pain 'feels good' such as endorphins and dopamine being released in the brain when a person suffers injury. Not to mention pain threshold levels. The masochists that really do get off on pain usually have been I guess 'changed' in some way at some time or perhaps born for it, they have come to experience pain in certain situations very differently from the average person. For a Dom to properly do serious pain play they need patience and control. You can't just start in on your sub with a whip or a cane as hard as you can, you have to slowly work up to it not just for her to get warmed up, but for the dom to grow accustomed to their sub's threshold. In my opinion there should always be more pleasure than pain, even if it comes to a point where there is almost as much pain as there is pleasure. It takes skill and experience to be able to ride that razor's edge.

    As far as the humiliation/degradation aspect of bdsm, that, I think, is more about the reinforcement of the idea that what they're doing is in some way regarded as a taboo or naughty. Theres a certain thrill in being 'bad' or getting caught doing something. This aspect is much more mental than physical. Verbal abuse (calling a sub a slut or pervert etc) is supposed to help keep them aware of their 'naughty' behavior. In my opinion its better to use it as a kind of encouragement and praise.

    My advice is the same as sebastians. Even if your wife didn't have such difficulties its just good sense to take bdsm play slow and steady when either dom or sub are new at it and most especially when both are.

    Start with bedroom play only. Make sure the has a safeword and make sure she knows it would displease you greatly if she doesn't use it when she should. Stick with domination/submission at first. Take charge and tell her what to do in the bedroom. "Get on your knees and suck my cock", "Legs apart, spread yourself and offer me your pussy", etc. Try physically enforcing your control by holding her in place or holding her down. Fist the hair at the base of her skull, hold her head in place while you kiss her, pin her arms to her sides, above her head, or behind her while you fuck her.

    The whole basis of it is that shes submitting to you willingly, shes given up her control to you, the dominant and WANTS you to do as you like, NEEDS you to take not ask.

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