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Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by SlyAngel, Nov 26, 2012.

  1. SlyAngel

    SlyAngel New Member

    Hey all. This will be my first post here, but I can think of no better crowd to ask than others who may have been there. I have an ex who was my Master, and in all aspects of that he was perfect. He was my bestfriend. We got married, had two kids and then things went downhill and we had to separate. Now i'm in a relationship with an amazing, but vanilla, man. My ex wants me back, and I still love him.... But if it weren't for the "bedroom" issues and one or two other things there would be no problem with my boyfriend. I crave a Master, and my man can't be that in the way I need... But my ex can... I dint want to try again with my ex like I might if we didn't have children, they dont need to go through that again.... Please help!?!

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  2. Sly,
    This is obviously a simplistic answer to a question that must be far more complex, but here goes...

    Write down the possible decsions you can take, and think about the pros and cons of each.

    Decision 1
    You go back to your ex.

    Decision 2
    You stay with your new man, but say nothing about your feelings in the bedroom.

    Decision 3
    You stay with your new man, but you talk with him about your feelings.

    Only you can predict the most likely outcomes of each decision (and even then you could be wrong).

    However, IMHO the decision that is most likely to leave you feeling unfulfilled and less happy will be Decision 2.

    Decisions 1 and 3 both require active change - whether it's dumping your new boyfriend, or being honest with him.

    Here's the good news. You have the chance to take more than one of these decisions. For example:

    You decide to be honest with your boyfriend. Choose a quiet evening when you don't have the kids around and talk to him. Take it slowly, and do not expose him to the full "gothic horror" of the BDSM world all at once :)

    Broadly speaking he could react in two different ways.

    • He might not be which case you're in the same situation as Decision 2. Now you need to decide if you can continue to live with him on those terms.
    • He may show some level of interest - right up to the point where he might embrace your wildest dreams and the two of you begin an amazing journey of discovery.

    In fact these two reactions are the extreme ends of a spectrum - as long as you give him a "soft landing" on your fantasies it's unlikely that he will be totally uninterested. But it's equally unlikely that he will immediately tie you up and become the Dom of your dreams. You need to manage your own expectations, and enjoy small steps towards something that makes you happier in the bedroom.

    If your new boyfriend is "less interested than you can tolerate", then you still have the option to take Decision 1, and go back to your ex-husband.

    I'm sure you're familiar with the phenomenon that former partners often seem more acceptable after some time has passed. Presumably you split up with this guy for a good reason. You need to be sure you're not just going back to the same situation - especially as there are children involved.

    So the short version is...have a chat with your new boyfriend and tell him how you feel.

    Hope this helps.

  3. Oh by the way...there's an important point to remember if you talk to your boyfriend about this.

    Do not discuss comparisons to your ex-husband. You will not only undermine your new boyfriend's confidence as a Dom, you will also potentially destabilize your emotional relationship with him.

    If, for example, you become a little frustrated that your new boyfriend isn't reacting as enthusiastically as you'd like, please...please don't say "well Fred loved to do that to me!"

    Sorry if that's blatantly obvious, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.
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  4. SlyAngel

    SlyAngel New Member


    I told my boyfriend from the begining that my sexual interests were "intense" and we have already tried a few things to see if he could get into it. I've even tried toning down what I ask fire to give him room to grow... But he just doesn't think that way. He loves my reactions to what he does, but he isn't a Dom... And my ex has learned a lot from everything that has happened... He admits that he lost sight of things, and I found out somethings about myself that can help prevent a repeat... grrrrr....

    and to whomever relocated my post, thank you.
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2012
  5. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

    You have to evaluate a lot of things. Look at the big picture and do what's best for you.

    Do you love this boyfriend? Is he just someone you like to be with for now, or can you see yourself together with him 10-20 years down the line? Would you be more willing to leave him if his feelings weren't hurt by it?

    Also, the problem with your ex-husband that broke you up. Is it still a problem? Are your feelings etc truely the same for him and his for you before you broke up?

    It sounds to me at least a little bit that you don't want to break things off with this new guy but not because you love him or because he fufills you in all aspects of your relationship. It sounds like breaking it off with him just feels like a bad thing so you don't want to do it.

    Not to mention, You don't HAVE TO get back together with your husband if you leave the boyfriend. Finding someone else all together is an option.
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  6. SlyAngel

    SlyAngel New Member

    I'm going to try this in order... :) yes I love my boyfriend, if it weren't for our varying tastes behind closed doors I would have very little to complain about. 10-20 years down the line I can see us together and still growing. The problems that devided my ex and I have been either eliminated or acknowledged to the point of being able to find a solution. I have no illusions that it would be instant hearts and flowers if he and I got back together. I know there would be a lot of work and probably couples counseling... And yes... To an extent the feelings are a
    ll still there just covered by fear and mistrust... Like I said, couples counseling...

    Regarding breaking up with my guy, well he knows where I stand and he makes my life better just by being a part of it. I won't go into details, but it all seems to come down to an intense, crazy, chaotic life with my ex, or a calm, comfortable, rather predictable one with my boyfriend.

    And as for being with someone either than one of them... I dont know if I could... Most of the guys who seem interested in me are needy, emotionally imbalanced, and/or psychologically imbalanced. grrr btw, I'm a female gamer, which in my area is pretty rare... Mew and grrr!!! finding someone else would probably require moving to another party of the country ;)
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2012
  7. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

    When I was a kid back in the early 90's I thought my uncle was the coolest son of a bitch. He had a big screen tv, owned a video store(when those things were still needed), and had a stripper for a wife.

    Now that I'm an adult, I'll be damned but, my uncle is still cool. Hes got a 2nd wife now. She and my aunt(his first wife) get along real well...

    My point is, is this an option for you? maybe not a menage relationship, but maybe seeing someone else to fulfill your bdsm needs? I wouldn't recommend your husband though, thing's'd get sticky(in a bad way) if you did.

    Would your boyfriend be alright with that? is he open enough that you'd feel ok talking to him about it? maybe every now and then you'd meet up with an s&m friend(like sex friends) to scratch this itch until next time?
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Sly: Stanley and DarkNova have brought up some very good points, so rather than repeating them, let me offer a few other things to consider.

    1) What about your children? Are they comfortable with your bf? Do they get along well with their father? While this has nothing to do with BDSM, obviously it's an important factor for you to think about? You don't want to put them through the pain of a second failure with your husband, but do you think they would be better off with their parents married, or with their parents and two step-parents?

    2) Have you looked at the Newcomer's FAQ and my thoughts about kinkifying a Nice Vanilla Boyfriend? Perhaps you have, and you're totally certain that your NVB will never be into kink, but if you haven't, you might find some things to explore there.

    3) Let's say for a moment that you will never kinkify your NVB--there's certainly a good chance of it. Can you imagine having a satisfying sex life with him without kink (or at least an approximation of a satisfying sex life)? If the answer is no, then ask yourself this: can you see yourself being happy with him 20 years from now if you never do another truly kinky thing? Or will you be sad about your sacrifice or silently resenting him for what you gave up for him? If your relationship with NVB is satisfying enough that it balances out the lack of BDSM, then you can probably make things work with him. If, on the other hand, kink feels too important for you to sacrifice to be with him, then you need to think about other options. Perhaps, as DarkNova suggested, he might agree to let you see a master outside the relationship as a way of meeting your kink needs. Or perhaps he can learn to be kinky enough to satisfy your basic needs even if he never really gets into it (in other words, if kink is this important to you, perhaps he will make the sacrifice of doing kinky things to help you feel happy, even if it doesn't feel great to him). Or maybe you need to give him up and either go back to your ex or find a new kinky bf. What you don't want to do is give up kink and let your resentment erode your feelings for him--that's the worst of both worlds.
  9. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

    Most people, and I include bdsm-ers in this, think bdsm is equal to sex.

    While sex can and often does happen in some form or another before, during, or after bdsm play it is not required. This misunderstanding is made because bdsm is often used to highten a sexual experience.

    However, if you think about it control, bondage, pain and humilation don't need to have anything to do with sex.

    Do you think this avenue would be something you could explore?

    Maybe you could find a master that would participate in some non-sexual bdsm. If that is something that would satisfy your needs, then it might be something your boyfriend might more readily accept.

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